I asked her what was wrong and she told me she didn’t want to talk about it. I have learnt to respect that statement so I let it go immediately and we both focused on the series she was watching. I know from experience that I don’t have to push someone into telling me what is bothering them (even if I am dying to know) but that letting them know I care is enough. With time, they tell me when they are ready and I knew it would be the same with her. She lightened up after and let me in on what was making her sad.

“Do you know those times when you feel like you don’t have any more energy to fight for a friendship?” she asked.

“I don’t exactly know what you mean, so please explain,” I answered.

“Well, I have this very good friend, and in most cases when we have a fight, the time we are not speaking to each other bothers me even when she is the cause of our fighting. I am usually the one that breaks the ice. You get?”

“I get.”

“So something happened, and she lied to me about it. When I asked her for evidence, she acted out and said I don’t trust her. I did my own research and found out she was the one lying to me and somehow, I have lost it. The will to work it out. I am worried about past incidences where I told her my secrets and whether she has been honest with me all this while.”

“So what are you going to do?” I asked.

“Somehow, I am not ready to talk to her. Usually, even with my past relationships, I can tell when a relationship will not go beyond a fight and it might be the same now. It just won’t be the same again when I don’t trust her any more. I think I’m done. We might just remain “hi” friends but not BFFs like we have been.”

Friendship is a gift. Being friends with someone is a will. Like any other kind of relationship, friends fight and usually, in order for reconciliation to take place, one party has to be willing to reach out to the other first. Naturally, because of pride, it can be hard to be the one to reach out first.

The thought of stooping low and being the needy one is not something any red blooded human would easily do but thank God for grace. It is by His grace that we can allow to put others’ needs before ours just like Christ did and also tells us to do as his followers.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves (Philippians 2:3).

“I think you should just talk to her and try to resolve the matter but do not just give up on your friendship like that,” I told my cousin.

“She is the one in wrong so I see no point in being the one trying to make peace. She is the one that needs to apologize” she answered.

All of you clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble” (1 Peter 5:5).

We shall be seen by our works. If in our own relationships as Christians we are not willing to practice humility, how then will others see the Christ in us? We are supposed to live as Christ did as we try each day to be more like him.

But if anyone obeys his word, love for God is truly made complete in them. This is how we know we are in him. Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did(1 John 2:5-6).

I have to admit it is hard to listen to His still small voice with all the many things clamoring for our devotion. The noise around us competes for our attention. Advice from popular psychology, songs, television and bill boards telling us to focus on our feelings, which are all contrary to God’s word.

See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ (Colossians 2:8).

Now… I do not like to wait. If it can be done, let it be done yesterday. If I move before I seek God, then my tendency will be to speak to the manager, take the longer route, or do something tedious, as long as it will cut my waiting time. Waiting in this case means inactivity, you see.

Impatience is a lonely vice because people do not like to be around it. It causes undue pressure – take it, bring it, do it, finish it, now! The tension and frustration are contagious. But it looks like I missed the news bulletin: You can’t pressurize God into doing something that He does not want to do, or even into doing something faster than He wants to do it. If it were possible, He would not be God. I will come back to this point later.

I chose to rush the process and have it done by the end of January. But on the 27th, it looked like I was running out of options. I needed more time. I did not want to make a quick decision and then find out later that I could have done things a different way. Hindsight is always 20/20, they say.

I finally concluded that in this case, waiting was a good thing. For the first time in my life, to my knowledge, I was actually happy to wait.

It was not long before I began to think of this in light of my singleness. A few days into the year, I read an article by Paul and Charo Washer, titled “Becoming Esther.” Something they said really struck and convicted me:

Singleness is not a waste of time or a sitting on the sidelines, but a time that God has set aside especially for the woman, to make her into what He wants her to be, and to use her in ways that just might be impossible after marriage… so that she can offer to her future husband and the world something more than just a pretty face. Remember in your singleness that you are not the only one single, but your future husband is passing through the same stage as you. Would it not be a terrible thing to finally meet the man who is to become your husband only to find that he has used his singleness to serve God and to prepare himself to be a better husband for you. And yet you did not use the freedom of your singleness to serve the Lord, nor did you take advantage of the training God offered you?

We are living in the last days. Imagine the Lord returning to find that I did not use my single years to serve Him. What a waste that would be!

I read in a Yakuti devotion once that one of the biggest tragedies in life is to be married and long for the single years. It can be very depressing to feel stuck in something that should be so beautiful – something in which you had a choice and a responsibility, something you could have walked away from but instead calmly walked into, and now all you hear is the echo of the latch that locked you in. From what I’ve heard, marriage can be a very lonely experience. And the saddest part of everything is that in this day and age, where arranged marriages are the exception and not the norm, it is something for which we each have immense opportunities to prepare.

You know that verse people quote a lot? The one about the locust and the cankerworm, Joel 2:25? I often thought that nobody should feel bad about a late marriage because the Lord will restore the years that the locust and the cankerworm have eaten. But two things are terribly wrong with this statement.

What is a late marriage? If I am walking in the will of God, obeying Him, trusting Him, living entirely for Him, then that means I am in His will. If this is the case, and I am single, then my marriage is not late. Obeying God means being in the right place, at the right time, doing exactly what He says. Because I am God’s child, I know He anoints and orders my steps and is acquainted with all my ways. It is not a difficult thing, by any standard or means – and in fact, it is more than an easy thing – for Him to bring a husband my way. That Jane got married at 19, Anne at 21 and Cynthia at 50 does not necessarily mean Cynthia’s marriage was late. It was later than Jane’s, for sure, but it was probably not late for Cynthia.

But about the years that the locust and the cankerworm have eaten. Is this really true of the single years, if they are used so wisely as to make a worthy contribution to married life and by extension to the generations to follow? Are these not years to rejoice in and maximize? Is it not possible to live “more abundantly” (John 10:10) as a single woman? Is it not possible, even as we refuse to pretend that we enjoy it, to have a fruitful season, knowing that it is just that – a season?

I said I would come back to the issue of not being able to pressurize God. I am absolutely certain now, at the beginning of February, that if I had rushed to complete the process I had started, sure, I would have finished it, but not as wonderfully as I am finishing it now by the grace of God. I knew it even through the process. I know for sure, right now, that it would not be long before I looked back and regretted my decision. Knowing this actually made it easier, and enjoyable, for me to wait. I think of this and replace the process with marriage, and I believe it is the same. I know now, having walked away and seen what followed, that if I had ended up compromising principle A or married to person B, it would be a disaster. Because I am God’s daughter, there is no way He is going to let things happen a second before, or a second after, the time He has determined as right for me.

As I close my article this month, I wonder if God did not just orchestrate my mysterious, aforementioned ‘process’ this way in order to help me better understand the importance of trusting Him as I wait for marriage…

I did not stay around to listen to the better part of my siblings’ argument but it ended in tears, with my little siblings going to my dad to decide who actually had more friends on Facebook.

The passion with which these little ones at home argued over who had more friends got me thinking. In my own life, ever since I joined Facebook and Twitter, I have silently boasted about the number of friends that I have… boasted about how I am more aware of what is going on in people’s lives, even of those that I would not exactly call my friends; just people whose requests I accepted. I get to know and follow the events in their lives, the milestones, disappointments and struggles all from their updates. And it costs me no money. I don’t have to spend money on transport or to buy and send a gift, to buy airtime to call them up and say hi. Why should I when I can read their updates or inbox them in case of personal issues?

It’s been made simple.

Just a click away.

When I had just joined Facebook, I accepted any friend requests that were sent my way because I thought the whole point was networking and getting to know more people. After some time, I found that I actually spent months without even visiting some people’s walls.

I now don’t accept requests from people I don’t know, because I can only do so much in keeping up with all of them. This is what I have chosen to do. But I know of friends that have quit Facebook because they have found the friendships to be “superficial”. It just beats my understanding that in this age, when one can have any number of cyber friends they want, there are more cases of loneliness.

Much as I long to live in my own little blinkered bubble, I have, over time and through experience, come to painfully and conclusively admit that not all the people I know are my friends.

I have found that in my own life, the people I call my friends are those that I can count on to be there for me no matter what. They are people I know. I know not just about where they work and what they do but who they are. I know the fiber of their character, the passion that drives their lives and dreams.

They say friends are the family we get to choose, but when I think of the ones I currently have, I can’t help but think that God specifically handpicked these gems. I met them a few years back. The story of how we all crossed paths is a long one. We happen to be a group of seven with totally different personalities that I would not have naturally befriended. Oh! How I love them.

But I have to mention that being this close has not come easy for us. It has taken some investment. Long hours together, emotions and money. Those that have come to know us admire the family we have become but know not of what it takes to achieve that.

We grow closer as time goes by and it is beautiful to see all of them grow from the young men and women they were when I first met them to the godly, strong people I see them become daily. I have laughed, cried with them, shared my deepest fears and struggles with them and have found in them a warmth and love that even family cannot give.

They’ve practically embodied 1 John 4:7 for me:

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.”

This family is not one I have developed by simply reading their Facebook updates or by following them on Twitter. It is a family in which I have been vulnerable enough to open myself up to love and to be loved. I know that true friendship is no child’s play, but it is worth a risk. I say risk because it is no guarantee that your love will be reciprocated. Sometimes it is hard. But that is what friendship is. It may sound like a cliché, but mine is a true circle of friends.

Reminds me of Point of Grace’s song title, Circle of Friends. It is in this circle that some of my friends have gotten to know Christ and grow into knowing Him. This has happened because God has graced some of us in the group to love them in their unbelief, live lives worth emulating through initiating Bible studies and eventually, God has used that to draw some of them to Christ. That journey has practically lived out Proverbs 12:26 to our group:

“One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.”

These lyrics from Point of grace’s melody simply nail it in for me on this one.

“We were made to love and be loved
But the price this world demands will cost you far too much
I spent so many years just trying to fit in
Now I’ve found a place in this circle of friends
In a circle of friends we have one father
In a circle of friends we share this prayer
That every orphaned soul will know
And all will enter in
To the shelter of this circle of friends
If you weep, I will weep with you
If you sing for joy the rest of us will lift our voices too
But no matter what you feel inside there’s no need to pretend
That’s the way it is in this circle of friends
In a circle of friends”

A great lesson to behold here for me is this: Loneliness is not driven away by the number of friends you have on Face book or of those following you on Twitter. What drives it away is how much love you have at heart. It is not just about whether you are in physical company of people or not because one can still feel lonely in a crowd.

Virtual friends are good and in some cases, the only way we can reach some friends is online. But for those we can meet in person and call them “friends” we should endeavor to invest time, presence and everything we can if we are to experience true friendship since “Greater love has none this that he lay down his life for his friends (John 15:13)” anyway.

Well, I speak of time because it is my love language but for some, it is how many gifts you give them, how much you verbally affirm or touch them.

I choose real friends over virtual friends. What will it be for you?

I hope Romans 15:5 serves as a good launching pad for the journey of transforming your own friendships.

“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ”.

The rain pelted my windshield. I was struggling to see. Oncoming cars blasted their lights at me. I should have listened to the eye doctor and gotten that anti-glare thingie, I thought to myself. And I really need to change these wipers. I shivered, praying the car would warm up faster. At every Stop sign, I rubbed my palms together, trying to figure out which storage bin contained my warm clothes and gloves, and making a mental note to figure that out when I got home.

It was then that the déjà vu began to wash over me. I realized, more than I had in those past few weeks, that I was Here. So close to my twenty-somethng’th birthday, that one that is so close to thirty, and – shock on me – I was back in a place I thought I was finally leaving for good.

To the people who wrote the dictionary, here is an adverb, and it simply means “In this place; in this spot or locality.”

But to me, and I’m sure to every single woman, Here is a proper noun. It’s anything but simple. It is either that place that chronically refuses to leave you, or it is that familiar hole you find yourself struggling to climb out of after every relationship. Here is that season in life where women get to do things their fragile, delicate bodies were never created to handle – things like assembling bulky furniture.

Here, it’s almost impossible to have a decent conversation with a guy without him thinking you are shopping for a husband. The bold few say they are sure you are their wife, but then ask, “How come you’re single? You’re beautiful – are you a drama queen?”

It’s difficult to plug in at church. The Singles Ministry seems to have the sole goal of keeping you single for life. After all, you’re Single with a purpose, they say. Single but not alone. They invite you to conference after conference, and if you’re still there in your 40s, they will continue to invite you to attend and tell you that you are Single but whole. As if you ever disputed it. As if this is the issue.

“Are you married?” you’re asked, when you join the Women’s Ministry.
“No.”
“Seeing anyone?”
“No.”
“Well, I have a son…”

Ah! What would we do without those familiar lines:

I have a son.
I have a friend.
Your day will come.
Ohh… sorry! God will help you…

“Oh, you’re single,” many of us are told, with that knowing glance and nod, and the ever-so-slight, subconscious, step back. Cue the three-hour whine, people think.

Here can be quite a see-saw experience – from feeling Single and Blessed, to feeling lonely and grouchy and wondering how long the wait is going to be. You come across a picture of an ex and ask yourself, “What kind of issues did I have to ever date this guy?” but you cry hot tears because you did have some good times and you were not dating, but courting, with marriage as the goal.

*

I decided to break up with Jed a month or so before I actually did it. I hesitated because I was scared. I knew in my knower that despite his confession of faith, this was an unequal yoke. I had started to feel that barrier in my prayers – the distance from the Lord; the knowing within myself that I was disobeying, and that my disobedience was more grievous with each day it progressed. I knew I had to do it, but two questions kept coming up in my mind. The first was, How did I ever end up here? And the second: How will I explain this to people?

I knew I had to do it. He deserved a visit, at the very least. But he was unavailable for a while, and procrastinating any further would just delay this. I did not want to change my mind. So I finally ended it. I was indifferent. I was not surprised that we were finally here. I think it is safe to say neither was he.

It’s not that Jed was a bad person. Romans 3:23 says we’re all bad, after all. He was not bad-looking at all. A little too short for my liking, but everything else made up for that.

I think it was the differences, and the onion layers. Discovery is a part of every relationship. But these discoveries were the kind that you are not supposed to make after a certain point in a relationship. The kind that make you wonder if you have any idea who this person is. The kind that have the potential to drive a woman into a depression because she thinks “Is this all my generation has to offer in the name of men?”

Then there were the warning bells. Loud sirens, gongs, clanging every single step of the way. “Nobody has to know,” he once whispered. “Just you and me – we don’t have to tell anyone.” Another time, he said something about me being “our future.”

And the conflicts: I laughed too freely with my male friends, he said. I flirted. Yet, I needed to get more friends. Diversify. I was not social enough.

I needed to get more sleep, because I was doing too much. But then I also needed to work harder and plan my day, because I was not getting enough accomplished.

“You’ve done so much, I’m proud of you,” but “Don’t think your achievements intimidate me.”

He was born again and loved the Lord, but then it was a “personal” thing that nobody needed to know about.

He did things that made me slightly uncomfortable. I couldn’t help but ask myself where they lay in the grand – eternal – scheme of life. What good will building an earthly dynasty with such rigor and commitment do for an eternal destiny where these things are counted as dung? Sometimes I thought maybe I was being too spiritual. Still, it was unsettling.

He heard me out as I explained why things could not go on. All he said was “Okay.”

A few hours after I ended it, he called me – drunk. Way to present another discovery. It was the goodbye gift that told me that I had done the right thing.

Thank God for new years. I think He gives them to us just so we can have a reason to wipe the slate clean. We are so much harder on ourselves than He is on us, and every time we go to Him in tears, genuinely asking for forgiveness, He is more than able to, and always does, give us a fresh start. For us, however, things are hardly ever as simple as repent and keep on moving. We often forget not to look at life with human eyes. Even on a brand new morning, that flesh that is so addicted to the pity-party, the resentment, the vindictive feelings, reminds itself that these eyes have opened in the same room they went to bed in; the words said yesterday still hurt, and most of all, that we are still single.

God knows, and I think that’s why He gave us time and that opportunity to not just flip the page over to a new month, but rather to unhinge the old calendar from the wall, dump it in the garbage, and hang a fresh new one that still has that bookstore smell.

I’ve reflected on my mistakes. I’ve seen where I went wrong – every relationship, and by extension every breakup, involves two people. I’ve also had to sit myself down and make a conscious decision to cut the phoniness.

I know I want to be married someday. Acting like I don’t will do nothing to help me get closer to becoming a wife. I believe single women have been unfairly judged and misunderstood in recent years. This should not be a surprise – we’ve increased in number because of a deliberate attempt to keep women in school longer, delay marriage as much as possible, and discourage those who are married from having children.

This new year, I find myself back Here, and I intend to make the most of it. I consider myself privileged to be able to come and share with you my experiences as a single woman in this space. I refuse to turn this column into a monthly pity-party. There is so much to do; there are so many opportunities to explore. I believe that I am one step closer to the man that God has for me. By His grace, I will make the most of this season. Here is about the mindset. Here is what I choose to make it. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

i am getting married in December this year. i have been so anxious…asking myself if this is God’s will. My fiancee is such a loving man, he is born again and very supportive. he is everything a girl would ever want in a man. i just wonder if God approves of us. i wish there was a way to take away all these anxieties and know or sure that God is leading us all the way.

please help.

‘Maua’

Dear Maua,

First of all, congratulations on your engagement! Many women write to me asking me to pray for them to get married, or asking me to hook them up with men. You are engaged, and to a man every woman would want. Trust me, you are blessed.

I took some time to pray about your question, as always, but I also spoke to a few of my married friends and reflected on some of the discussions we had when they were engaged.

The first thing I can tell you is that what you are going through IS NORMAL. All the friends I spoke to are born again, all of them are married to godly men, but to my surprise, they all said they felt nervous – and sometimes downright terrified – during the time between engagement and marriage. A friend of mine who is married to a worship leader that nobody would ever doubt was meant for her, told me that she was very, very nervous during her engagement.

I’ll say it like one friend told me: it’s a good thing. It gives you another chance to evaluate your relationship and get to know if this is the man for you. It can help you look out for signs from God and ask yourself some serious questions. Have you covered all bases, for example? Is there anything God is saying that you might be missing? It is also a chance to have that clarification from God, that very clear sign that you can then journal and look back on during your marriage if the devil tries to sow seeds of discord. Sometimes, even on her wedding day, a bride is still nervous and has not heard or does not think she has heard anything from the Lord. If this is the case, then just go for it by faith, just like my friends did.

You say, “I wonder if God approves of us.” God approves of all His children. Perhaps you mean to say you wonder if He approves of the fact that you are getting married to each other. If you have obeyed Him, then He approves. It is the Lord who created the institution and covenant of marriage and He has commanded us to get married. He Himself promised that He would never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). He will be with us always until the end of the age (Matthew 28:20). He orders our steps (Psalm 37). He has commissioned His angels concerning us (Psalm 91). I personally believe that if you are not unequally yoked, and if you have been praying throughout your relationship, then you should not worry. God holds tomorrow; worrying cannot delay it or bring it closer or make us taller or shorter. Stand on His Word to you. “Pour out your heart before Him.” Psalm 62:8.

Another thing that you should remember is that the devil is against the institution of marriage, especially between two believers. Marriage is warfare and a representation of Christ’s relationship with the church so the enemy will do whatever he can to try and sabotage it. When he brings doubts and discouragement, remember 2 Corinthians chapter 10 and cast down all those imaginations. Count your blessings and remember God’s benefits to you (Psalm 103) because sometimes it is forgetfulness that foils our faith. There are many women who would want to be in your shoes right now.

Hang in there. Relax. Trust God. Your engagement did not take Him by surprise; in fact, He ordained it. He will not mislead you, ashame you, or let you fall. Ask Him to make it very clear to You that He approves of your marriage. He honors our requests.

Be blessed,

Paula.

I have an issue i would like you to address for me in a christian manner. I’m 24 and I have a boyfriend of 13 months in Texas. He moved out of state when the relationship was 8 months. We are both christians, infact I am a choir mistress  in my church . However, I ve always had this friend of mine who is a muslim that I have known for 5 years and I have feelings for him, and i have a feeling he likes me too. But i cant date him coz he’s a muslim. We ve been communicating a lot lately. I am liking him more each day. As for my boyfriend I don’t talk to him too often because of his schedule. I am confused, what advice do you have for me?

God bless.

Hi.

Thanks so much for visiting Yakuti. We are honoured to be used of God. May He bless you.

This is a tough one but we serve a tougher God. There is nothing too difficult for Him (Jeremiah 32:27). He is not the author of confusion but of peace, and I pray that His peace will fill your heart.

Someone sent in a similar question and it was discussed in a previous issue. You might want to check it out later.

Let’s first talk about your Muslim friend. You say, “I’ve always had this friend of mine… I have known him for five years.” I would have passed by that part had I not been nudged by the Lord to address it. In reality, though we often forget it, the only friend that any of us can say we have always had is Jesus Christ, and He has known us from before we were formed in the womb. There was a point in your life when your Muslim friend was not there, but there has never been any point in your life or mine, or in time, where Jesus was not there. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God… without him was not any thing made that was made (John 1:1-3).

I want to remind you that unequal yokes do not just exist in courtship; they exist in all kinds of relationships. You can be unequally yoked in a friendship or even a business partnership. That you are in consistent contact with your Muslim friend means you are pursuing or building an unequal yoke, which the Lord specifically tells us not to do (2 Corinthians 6:14), and which is therefore blatant disobedience.

You speak about your feelings several times. You have feelings for your Muslim friend, and you have a feeling that he likes you too. Feelings are fickle and deceptive. They are different from instinct (biological impulses/tendencies), conscience (inner sense of right and wrong) and the Holy Spirit (the Spirit of God, which takes control of our instinct and conscience when we become born again). Operating by feelings is operating on the sensual level. It is not bad to like things. But liking something does not necessarily mean it is good for you. In fact, many times we deceive ourselves and end up liking things that are detrimental to our walk. All things are lawful unto me, but not all things are expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any (1 Corinthians 6:12). All things are lawful for me, but not all things are expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not (1 Corinthians 10:23). In other words, Christ has set us free to like what we want, but it is unwise to like everything under the sun in this spiritual battle. Once we submit ourselves to the power and teaching of the Holy Spirit, we are able to apply only those likes and likings that edify. This is because the deceptive, stony heart which is desperately wicked is now replaced with a heart of flesh (Jeremiah 17:9, Ezekiel 11:19).

Now. You say, “…this friend of mine who is a Muslim.” Would it make a difference if he were an atheist, Hindu, or even Christian? Two realities would remain: First of all, you are in a relationship with someone else. Second, and of more importance: let us judge righteously. The fact that he is a Muslim does not make him any less loved of God than you or me. The fact that we are Christian does not make us any more loved of God than him. Jesus died for me, you, the Muslim, the Ba’hai and the agnostic. God loves this man. God loves us. Do we love him? Jesus said, If ye love me, keep my commandments (John 14:15).

If you love the Lord, it is time for you to put your feelings aside and seek God’s agenda for your Muslim friend. Think about the example that you are setting for him, and what your actions are telling him about your faith. You are still an ambassador (2 Corinthians 5:20).Your words may say you are Christian and love the Lord, but your actions might say something else. Jesus said not everyone that says to Him, “Lord, Lord” will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of His Father in heaven (Matthew 7:21). The Bible says, the fool hath said in his heart, there is no God (Psalm 14:1, 53:1). The fool’s words may say there is a God, but his actions reveal what his heart says. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh (Luke 6:45), but as we have seen above, the heart is deceitful and in these last days people may convince themselves they are doing God a favour in their sins. Ye shall know them by their fruits (Matthew 7:16-20) – what fruit is your Muslim friend observing? Double-mindedness or steadfastness? Faith or doubting? You don’t boil a cow and expect to eat beans. You don’t use a tea bag if you expect to taste coffee.

You will definitely like this man more each day if you spend time with him continually. In fact, if you spend more time with him than with your boyfriend, then the day is soon coming when you will say you like him more than you like your boyfriend. When we constantly surround ourselves with people, we grow to like them more. This is true even of our walk – I am sure you agree that if you spend more time with the Lord, you get to love and enjoy Him more. It is the same with all relationships.If Eve had fled from the serpent after the first statement, where would we be? Instead, she allowed herself to remain around him and she continued to listen to his lies (Genesis 3). Jesus, on the other hand, responded to each temptation with the Word (Matthew 4, Luke 4) and refused to tolerate discussion.

In my humble opinion, seeking God’s agenda for your Muslim friend would mean distancing yourself from him for some time, for now. Of course it is God’s desire for your friend to receive Christ, but at this point in time, you might not be the right person to plant and water – seek the Lord about this. Wisdom is the principal thing and it is very easy for you to tell yourself that you are maintaining contact so that you will tell him about Jesus, when instead you are subconsciously practising missionary dating or PCM.

Now, let’s talk about your 13-month relationship. When your boyfriend was leaving, did you both talk about keeping in touch and how often you would communicate? It’s difficult to be in a relationship with someone you don’t see or talk to often, and usually for long distance relationships there are a lot of sacrifices involved. They can work, and I have seen a few succeed. I have married friends who have been in long-distance relationships, some of them even from the beginning. Some have been a three-hour drive apart, and some have been 11,000 miles apart and everything in between. What these friends of mine will assure you is long-distance relationships require prayer, patience, plenty of trust and understanding, and constant nurturing. But they can work.

Remember that while you are in a relationship, you are a steward over this man’s heart and you are responsible to do right by Him. Owe no man anything, but to love one another (Romans 13:8a). If there are explanations and discussions pending, do the necessary. Be open with your concerns and fears. If you do not want to be in a relationship with him, do not lead him on. What you give will come back to you, full measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over – this is not just about money or good things, but applies in the negative as well (Luke 6:38). We reap what we sow (Galatians 6:9). Back to the tea bag and coffee.

This is one of those situations that I say is “pretending to be complex.” It’s one of those very tough positions to be in, but once you pray about it and decide what to do and have the decision behind you, you realize in hindsight that it was actually very simple. I know that right now it is very difficult. Pour out your heart to God (Psalm 62:8) and share your anxieties with Him (Philippians 4:6-7). His name is Wonderful Counselor – He can show you exactly what to do and exactly how to do it and if you continue to walk after the Spirit you will remain uncondemned (Romans 8:1, 8:31-33). He promised that if we ask for wisdom, He will give it to us without finding fault (James 1:5).

I pray that this helps! Thank you so much for your question. I will be praying for you; please keep in touch and let me know how everything goes.

God bless and be brave,

Paula

…My boyfriend told me he has herpes. Should I break off this relationship?… I am really disgusted by all this. Am I overreacting?…

Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Thanks for your question and thanks for being candid. Toyin tackled the medical part of it and forwarded the rest to me (LOL, she is clever, isn’t she?).

Wow.

Well, many things are going through my mind right now as I think about your question. What does Jesus say about situations like this? Does Jesus even talk about situations like this? What would Jesus do?

Before I begin, I want to say I hope and pray that you two have not been sexually active. I second Toyin in saying that if you are, then I beseech you, please STOP! NOW!

Let’s first give this man credit for telling you that he has herpes. Let’s give thanks to God for revealing this at this time. Think of the many millions of women who end up married to men who have herpes but have kept it from them. Think about those who don’t even know they have it.

I can’t tell you whether you should break off your relationship. What I will say is this: The courtship/relationship period, used wisely, is one where both of you get to know the necessary, gory basics about each other, and make a conscious decision to marry or to refuse to get married to each other. Knowing what you know about this man, and given the information you now have from the Apprentice, are you willing to love him sacrificially for as long as you both shall live?

It’s probably not something you’re going to answer in two seconds. Think about in sickness and in health, during flare-ups (or outbreaks as Toyin calls them) and doctors’ visits and the fact that you too are probably going to get this incurable disease. On the other hand, try to put yourself in his shoes. Imagine how difficult it is to reveal such a thing to a person, knowing that it is more likely for you to be rejected than accepted.

Does the Bible talk about this? I would say yes. Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them, for this is the law and the prophets (Matthew 7:12). I don’t know what you would want him to do to you if you were in his shoes, but I venture to guess that one thing you would not want would be for him to remain in a relationship with you out of sympathy, because that would breed resentment on both your parts.

Also, as cold as this may seem, it is better for you to break off a relationship than to get married and end up divorced and sick. Someone once said, “wedlock is padlock; the key is thrown into the Atlantic Ocean.” So take your time with your decision, and understand that should you choose to get married to this man, then that’s it, for life. And the Lord would want you to remain in the union joyfully, without bringing this up during fights no matter how tempting it may be, and without partnering with the accuser of the brethren in using your words and actions to plant guilt in this man’s heart and mind. You would still have to remain submitted to him and to love him the same way you would if he did not have herpes.

As always, I cannot give you the answer to your question, but I can point you to the One who can. This might sound a little radical, but the Lord is the Great Physician and there is a stripe on the back of Jesus for healing from herpes (Isaiah 53:5). He is also the Wonderful Counselor (Isaiah 9:6) and can give you wisdom beyond what you can imagine. Talk to Him.

I pray that the Lord would give you divine understanding and the strength to carry out whatever you prayerfully decide to do. It’s a tough choice, and if you just found this out, then I would say no, you’re not overreacting, but be careful that it does not become a root of bitterness that will spring up to trouble you later. Forgive him for having herpes – forgive him if you remain with him, and forgive him if you break up. No matter how sinful we are, and no matter how many times we may think we can handle it, none of us ever walk into things honestly wishing for the outcomes that sin brings. I sense a little guilt in your question, and I would ask you to forgive yourself, too, for being disgusted. Whatever you choose to do, if you are walking in the Spirit, you are not condemned (Romans 8:1).

God bless and I’m praying for you both,

Paula.

I hope you are doing wonderfully.

I can’t believe I’m asking this but my boyfriend does not like my jeans. He says they are too tight for a full-figured woman and that they make it difficult for him to keep his thoughts pure. They are not even tight for real. The way I see this I can do one of two things, change up my entire wardrobe because jeans is what I wear most, or look for a man who will take me for who I am. WWJD talk to me.

Hi!

Yes, I am doing wonderfully, thank you.

The first question that came to my mind when I read this was: “Is this really about jeans?”

If, like you say, jeans are what you wear most, then that means that he knew about them when you were starting your relationship, but still chose to go ahead and become your boyfriend.

On the other hand, I’m sure you’ve heard about our brothers and the struggles they have to face in keeping pure. The reason the Bible speaks of modesty is not because a woman’s body is ugly or repulsive. Paul and Peter both speak of an incorruptible beauty that shines from within and never fades; a quiet confidence that does not need to flaunt the externals as a booster to a woman’s self-image. One main reason for modesty is to look out for our brothers and to refrain from stirring up lust in their hearts. Just like men are supposed to protect and preserve the purity of women by leading and exercising self-control before marriage, women are stewards to keep themselves honourable and modest. Men and women are wired differently. No matter how many analogies and metaphors men may use to describe the degree of their visual stimulation, most if not all women cannot really grasp it because we are not wired the same way.

Your boyfriend is crying out for grace, if you ask me. And, God may be using him to speak to you about your dressing. Maybe like you say they’re “not even that tight for real.” Maybe your jeans are alright and your boyfriend is dealing with other issues that are manifesting in this way. Whatever the case may be, truly, what would Jesus do? We know He is love – He is everything expressed in 1 Corinthians 13, and not only that, but His Word admonishes us to love fervently from a pure heart (1 Peter 1:22). Pure, fervent love will be patient with this man, kind to him, humble towards him, behaving appropriately as a woman of virtue, esteeming him above yourself even as he hopefully esteems you above himself according to Philippians 2:3, thinking things through instead of being easily provoked, rejoicing in truth even if it has to subdue facts… (1 Corinthians 13).

I don’t want to seem like I am siding with him over you because I don’t really know his side of the story. I want to assume that his complaints/fussing/pleading (whichever tone he uses) are in a way looking out for you so that he does not take away your purity by sinning sexually with and against you. 1 Thessalonians 4 is a convicting chapter that tells us to abstain from fornication. Abstaining from fornication starts with rejecting the worldly patterns and being renewed in the spirit of our minds (Romans 12:2, Ephesians 4:23. Relationships require compromise. If you run away from this one because of jeans, you might meet a man who doesn’t like your shoes. Seek God about what He is teaching you in this experience so that you do not have to take the test again, for as we all know, our Father never flunks any of His children out – you’ll retake the test until it is evident that you have grasped what is required and can move on to the next level of growth.

Who are you, really? Think about it.

This is not about jeans. Dig deeper. Talk to God. Let Him talk to you. Don’t be surprised if things like “love”, “identity,” “faith”, “virtue,” “humility” and “surrender” come up.

Blessings!

___

Kenya.fm’s version:

Imagine this scenario: you are a missionary. You visit a distant tropical jungle, and find villagers who go about their biz naked.

No piece of clothing whatsoever. After getting over the “shock”, you preach to them, and all the villagers are born again. Should you ask them to wear clothes? Why? You were sent to preach Christ, not clothes. Right? Right.

Jeans or no jeans, sin is not in the clothing, but in the heart.

This means that you could walk stark naked all day long, in the open, with other people present, and the Lord would have zero issues with you.

And, you could walk all covered up, bukha (muslim style, where only the eyes are visible) and the Lord will have a problem with you.

Why? Because sin is in the heart, not in the clothing.

Here is your answer.

To the man
(Please pass it to him)

We all know that men are visual. Visually stimulated. If it were not so, there would be no industry specifically catering to their visual vulnerability.

Let us suppose that the sight of a woman in Jeans causes you to have sexual desire that may lead you to sin.
Whose problem is that? Yours, of course. Not the woman’s.

You cannot stand before the Lord and say
“The woman whom you made to pass before me, she made me sin.”

Man, it is your responsibility to guard your heart against sin.
Yours, not the woman who is tighly clad ot scantily clad.
Yours, not the film and TV shows director that makes movies/shows that ensare you.
Yours, not the owners of websites that offer you adult content.

If you sin, it is your failure, not another person’s. You will be held responsible for it.
You do not pass over your failure to be righteous to someone else. It does not work that way.
If you have a problem, this is what you should do.

Go to the Lord. Tell him,

“Lord, I have impure thoughts every time I see a woman in jeans. I know sin has no power over me.
Help me know how to deal with this issue.”

I assure you, that if you have the Spirit, and sincere seek help  you will know how to overcome that kind of sin. Very easily.

You will know how to conquer all types of sin ( BTW that is what it means to walk in the Spirit ).

If you walk in the Spirit, it will not matter what temptation the devil causes to pass before you; you will reamin standing, a better person.

Being pure is not the absence of temptation ( the tight jeans ) but being able to say no in the presence of temptation.

If you have not the Spirit, then woe unto you, you have no hope in staying sinless. Really.

To The woman

You are free to wear whatsoever you like ( or nothing at all if you so choose). But, if you call Christ Lord,
you will realise that this freedom to do as you wish does not mean license.
You will realise that this freedom may actually be sin to you.

Here is your verse. I will paraphrase it for you.

23″Everything is permissible”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is constructive.

24 No girl should seek her own good, but the good of her boyfriend too.

25Wear anything you can buy from the stores without  raising questions of conscience, 26for, “The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it.”[c]

27If you have a pair of jeans you wnat to wear, do so. 28 But if any of your brothers in Christ says to you, “These jeans are offensive to the brethren,”
then do not wear them, both for the sake of the men who told you and for conscience’ sake[d]— 29the other man’s conscience, I mean, not yours.
For why should my freedom be judged by another’s conscience? 30If I wear a pair of jeans with no intention to draw men to my body,
why am I denounced because of something I thank God for?

31So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.
32Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God—
33even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved.

There is your answer.

Should you listen to the opinion of everyone? No. But, here is someone supposedly close to you,
who is asking for help ( despite the fact that he should bear his own responsibility). That, you should listen to, just as that verse says.

You ask WWJD.
Really, that is the wrong question. You should be asking, what does Jesus command ( WDJC) ?
And there it is, in that verse of 1 Corinthians 10 ( paraphrased of course) .

I assure you, that if your heart seeks after His heart, you will read that and say, “Lord, i will do anything for you!”

“Lord I will not wear this stupid thing if it causes one of your sons to sin against you.”

What next?

You say “The way I see this I can do one of two things, change up my entire wardrobe because jeans is what I wear most, or look for a man who will take me for who I am. WWJD talk to me”

You know what I hear in those words? “I really do not care that much for this man, I could drop him and get another”.
I hear “I do not care whether he sins or not, as long as I get to wear what I want.”

I say to you, why on earth is he then your boyfriend? And more important,  Do you really care what Christ thinks?

Both of you, I say, have issues many times bigger than the jeans…

I am engaged and God forbid but I think financial issues will be the biggest fight of the marriage. My fiancé makes 3 times as much money as I do. He is an aircraft engineer and I am a mere customer service representative, yet he insists that moneys should be split 50/50 when we get married. How can?? I can barely afford to go to the saloon, talk less of taking care of the big house we are hoping to move into. Please am I being unreasonable? Tell us something about sharing costs, provision and et cetera. This women’s liberation thing might not be too good after all. Chivalry cannot be dead????? What should an honourable man of God do and how can an honourable woman of God present this in a non-nagging manner?

Semerian

___

Semerian, I got stuck so I forwarded your question to Kenya.fm. Below are his thoughts.

The answer is not so simple as it may seem. If you consider the whole background, you will see that it requires deeper thought that just “one..two..ways to manage money in marriage.”

Let us begin with reasons for marriage.

REAL reason:

A way through which the Lord God gets to have children, and show them His love for them.

Now the other less glamorous reason:

Why Marry so and so (Christian marriage perspective)

Love of man for a woman.

Woman likes the man, feels she has admiration/respect for the man

This is the biblical reason why Mr Engineer and Ms Sales lady would want to marry each other.

If you accept this, then what follows will be less difficult for you.

If not, I think you will be disappointed by what is below. In that case, I really do not have an answer for you.

So,

All our love ought to be modeled after Christ love; agape love.

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” (John 15:12)

And a man ought to love his wife as Christ the church.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Ephesians 5:25-28)

What all that means is agape love. (if you need details and definitions, see http://kenya.fm/?p=689)

That means:

He treats/lives with her as Christ treats/lives with his church (you/the believer)
Christ loved you enough to die for you . A man ought o love his wife the same same way.
That means, he will only succeed in marriage if he shows her agape love.
That means that, since agape is Christ given, a non born again person will fail in this area. (see post on this here, http://kenya.fm/?p=689)

If you still agree, then let’s proceed to apply this.

In relation to anything in marriage (e.g. money arrangement in marriage), this means for the man that:

(i) his greatest interest would be you, not your input($x) into the finances area.
(ii)since he is willing to die for you, he will not keep what is his (the $3x) from you.
(iii)what is his is also rightfully yours, by choice, not by law (what is it that Christ has that he would not gladly give you, his church? For example, he is an heir to the throne. You too are a co-heir to that throne. What is His, is also yours)
(iv)there is no longer ‘his’ and ‘yours.’ It ( the $3X+$x) belongs to both. And both decide how to use it for their needs.

If all these seem strange to you, it is. It is because we have been listening to what the world is teaching us about marriage, and not what the Lord is saying. And what the Lord says is not a secret we need to pay a counselor to tell us. It is out there in the open, in the Bible, for anyone who cares to seek. But may also appear strange because most of us really do not want to follow and obey Christ’s commands about marriage. It is so out dated!

So this is what really ought to happen:

- Mr Engineer would say:
(i)“Mrs Engineer, you can give me your $x so that we have a common account or
(ii)you could give me $0.1x, and keep the rest for whatever needs you have ( or some of our needs.)”

Ouch!

Consider this: Christ and his disciples had a common money bag. Did some of that money belong to Christ and some to Peter?

Now, suppose Mrs Engineer gives over her $x. If she trusts Mr Engineer, she need not fear that she will not have her shopping needs met. She will not fear that she has to beg for $ in order to indulge in one or two whims and impulse buys. Same way, since Mr Engineer would do anything for Mrs Engineer, he has no reason to not let Mrs Engineer have access to $x or $2x or ..

Ouch!

(Of course, nothing is cast in stone. For example if it turns out that Mr Engineer loves Mrs Engineer but has a tendency to waste money, and Mrs Engineer is a good money manager, it may be prudent for Mrs. Engineer to manage “her” $x or the family $3X+x. But that is your own choice.)

Conclusion

So given the way things are between you ( that may not be the whole story ), there are two possibilities:

(i)Either Mr Engineer, like most men of today, does not understand the above marriage arrangement as desired by Christ and therefore insists on being in full control or

(ii) he does not agape you enough, as he ought, and therefore sees you in terms of $$ input.

Which is the case? You know that better than anyone else.

Wise but harmless

Open your eyes. Between you and the $3X, he seems to make a big deal of and prefers the $3X (see his defense below). If that were not so, you would not be worried about the $$.

If you already feel your $x is nothing, because “am a mere customer service representative” perhaps your value to him in financial terms is defining the relationship, hence your feeling that way. If that is so, now imagine what would happen to that relationship should you be worth $0.

“I am just..”
Already, you see yourself as a “worm of the earth”, in relation to him. Who are you? Are you born again?  What defines you? Does Mr Engineer see you the same way you see yourself? Why do you feel “small”? Does Christ see you in those terms? If Mr Engineer does see you thus, you probably should not be thinking of committing to him. Or do commit, if you know what is coming to you, and are prepared to live with it.

“can an honorable woman of God present this in a non-nagging manner?”

Very difficult. For someone to have the above mindset, (assuming you believe it), is something that he has to have and believe in himself. It is taught by a relationship with Christ. You would be the “teacher” he would listen to least. But if you can, find a third-party who can share these with him.

In his defense:

Since we have not heard his part of the story, we can only speculate. Perhaps if we knew where he is coming from,…

(i)Perhaps he has seen you make a big deal of what modern girls have bought into. Some version of the Women lib thing. Perhaps you treat him the way modern American women treat their men, as prescribed by Women lib “equals” maxim. Of course, men and women are equal. But there is another “equality”, as defined by the Women Lib manuscript, that is a teaching from hell. If you happen to believe that equality stuff, you should not complain. Instead you should be happy you have a man who has seen the “light” towards equality. You cannot have your cake and eat it too.

(ii) Perhaps you are big spender, and by his insisting on that 50/50 arrangement, he seeks to rein in that habit. If that is the case, you should be thankful. Unfortunately, you will still end up “loving” and disliking him at the same time. Why? In your mind, he has all these big buxx and yet he still wants you to spend your meager .5x towards the family affairs. In that case, do you really want to marry him, when the future problems are already so clear before your eyes? What will change 3 years after you marry?

Marriage and money

I know there is a lot of talk about discussing money before marriage.
I say BS. ( No offense to those who believe this.)
Especially more BS if it is motivated by the reason below, which i think it is.

The thought goes something like this: money is one of the biggest sources of marital failure. So fix it before hand, and you will save your marriage.

That suggestion might work in 0.1% of the cases.

But, dealing with the money issue is like treating the symptoms of the disease.
What is the real disease that shows up as money problems later in marriage?

Wrong notions of Love, and the lack thereof.

The wise and the beautiful people of the world tell you “Fall in love, live happy”.

The women’s lib gals tell you “Live as equal partners. Do not subject yourself to the man. Live happy”.

The anything goes, there-is-no-absolute-truth folks tell you “Live without commitment, and there will be no pressure that exists in a marriage ”

But what does the Lord say?

Man, love the woman the same way Christ loves you. Agape the woman.

Woman, respect and honor your man (not necessarily “love” him) as you respect and honor Christ.

Woman, do not commit to a man you are not willing to respect and honor lest you sin against the Lord by disrespecting the man. (of course the word I am avoiding is the O word. The Sunday school song says more that we imagine; “trust and obey, for there is no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey..” )

But we go “That is kinda outdated!” Those ideas are not for the educated and modern men and women. And it all kind of makes the woman less “equal”.

So we reject what the Lord says, and harvest the fruits. And stand in wonder of what just happened.

Get the love angle straight, and your marital problems are reduced by 99%.

Money means power and control.

Power and control. For both parties.

But where there is Christ love, there is serving and giving. There is no desire to control. Money becomes less and less important.

Let us assume we have the love angle all straightened up. The man is born again. The woman is born again. Each is Spirit filled. Can we then now discuss who will have power and control over whom (i.e. money issues) before marriage?

Of course. You may come up with whatever arrangements you wish.

But I assure you that power and control ( money ) will be of less and less importance. It is never about the money. If you really feel it is, then there is a much bigger problem you are not dealing with.

Christ: who is He anyway?

That suggestion above is for those who believe and obey Christ.

But what if both parties care nothing about obeying Christ?

Then, the floor is open for all kinds of wheeling and dealings. I am no authority on such matters, what works and what does not. Every man, every woman should do as they see fit in their own eyes. If Equality in finances works, go for it.

Is he getting the milk without buying the cow?

In other words, are you acting married before you are? Are you guarding your heart or do you wear everything on a sleeve? Do you cook for him and do his laundry? Are you having sex? Do you live together? As the months go on and people become emotionally close, it is very easy for two people in love to begin to behave like a married couple, even if they do not live in the same house. Do not fall for that temptation, as it is dangerous and will ruin your relationship. A man is wired to be a leader, but pop culture makes Christian men today shy away from that responsibility. For the most part, no man will treat a woman irresponsibly unless he is allowed to do it. You are not yet his wife and until you exchange your vows, you should not play house. Let him take the risk and ask you to become his wife first.

What do my girlfriends think?

This question assumes that you have godly, likeminded friends who have your interests at heart. Those close to us can objectively point out things we may not notice. If your very close friend constantly complains about not trusting your boyfriend, take note. Our close friends know us better than most people, sometimes even better than family. Take your friends’ counsel seriously and take it before God. He will open your eyes and reveal the truth.

How do I feel after spending time with him?

If you feel worn out, guilty, unsettled, silly, sad, or find yourself questioning your worth every time you hang out with your boyfriend, something is wrong.

How does he feel about church?

Does he love being in the house of the Lord, or is he a holiday Christian? If he does not love God wholly, he will never love you healthily.

Who takes the tab?

A man should be willing to provide for you. There should be a big question mark in your mind if you have paid for all your dates. It is better for him to take you to Kenchic and pay for the soda, than to go to the Intercontinental and ask you to foot the bill. Offering his coat when you’re shivering, opening doors, walking on the side of traffic, these are all signs of a man who wants to protect. African culture is different from the west and some men may claim they do not believe in opening doors, but you should take note if he walks right in front of you, blocks the doorway and allows the door to swing towards you, threatening to hit your forehead, without so much as a glance behind him. Allow yourself to be protected.

Who is taking tablets?

By this I simply mean, discuss health. Genotypes, chronic conditions, medications should all be known in good time so that any decisions on the direction of the relationship can be made with open eyes.

Who’s keeping tabs on us?

Accountability is something we really shy away from as adults, because we are old enough to know what we want and we don’t need anybody keeping tabs on us. Right? Wrong. Accountability is very important in every relationship. As a couple you should be accountable to parents, friends and spiritual leaders. You should be accountable to God and in fact you are, knowingly or unknowingly. Accountability is not the  same as being unreserved or imprudent.

Who is keeping skeletons in the closet?

Some things do not need to be confessed in detail, but if they should be known, let them be known – at the right time, of course. God will guide you and let you know when it is time. Sexual pasts, children out of wedlock, huge debts, etc are issues that should come out before marriage. Do it at the right time; sit down in a private, comfortable place and tell each other your stories… and forgive each other. Be careful – you should not bare your heart to every single man who comes your way.

Are we having fun?

A marriage with a person with whom you never have fun can be a very difficult thing. Marriage is a challenging calling and light moments are a great balm for the tough times. Enjoying your time together is an important ingredient in every relationship.

Is there any compromise?

Where does God feature in your relationship? Behold, He stands at the door and knocks – have you allowed Him to come in and dine in your relationship? Compromise, like someone said, means that when things are right between you and him, they are not right between you and God.

- Compiled by Jacqui and Pastor Moses