Vivian Elebiyo: Your Virginity Will Not Ruin Your Sex Life
Vivian Elebiyo is passionate – “about life, about God, about things that relate to a woman and everyday relationships… about helping others, people that are broken or in need of answers.” She pursues this passion wholeheartedly as a poet, writer, speaker and entrepreneur. She has been described as A Voice of Clarity in a Sea of Confusion as well as a real, unflinching and blunt young woman who does not mince her words when it comes to abstinence.
Vivian has been a writer for as long as she can remember. Her first book was written and stitched together when she was seven years old. By the time she was in middle school, she was writing articles for local newspapers. “I’ve always loved writing, it’s the best way I express myself,” she informs me.
The title of her book, My Virginity Is Ruining My Sex Life, came about when she was hanging out with her cousin and friends in Florida. “We were having a conversation about virginity, men, the whole issue about sex, should we wait, stuff like that. One of the ladies, was so upset because some guy had broken up with her, and she said ‘My virginity is ruining my sex life!!!’ That was actually how the title came.” Vivian asked the lady to repeat that statement and told everyone that she would write a book with that title. Nobody believed her at the time but she wrote it down and there was no turning back from that point on.
Vivian believes virginity is about more than just sex, and this is one thing she talks about in her book.
“The book also talks about how the only way you can actually save yourself [for marriage] is through God,” she explains. “Virginity involves a lot more than actual sex. A lot of people say ‘I’m saving myself,’ but they do other things. They masturbate, they touch, they do a lot more than a Christian should do – my question is, are you still a virgin if you’re doing all these things? The Bible says if you look at a woman lustfully you’ve committed adultery in your heart. Purity should come from the inside out, it’s really not about the actual act of sex. Spending time thinking about sex or doing things that you are not suppose to do – I think that is the true essence of being a virgin or not.”
Virginity, in Vivian’s view, is “being completely pure. A virgin to me is someone that is keeping themselves pure from whatever type of sin. Is that possible? Yes. Is it hard? Yes. It’s about purity. Holiness. It’s about living a holy life. If you’re living a holy life, you’re trying to do everything to please God.”
Although Vivian enjoys marriage, she is adamant that the single years are a wonderful opportunity to pursue holiness and is convinced they lay a foundation, whether strong or weak, for marriage. “The way you treat God is the same way that you will treat your husband,” she says, in a motherly tone. “Jesus is the Lover of our souls. When you’re single, you’re supposed to focus your attention on Him, not rushing to get married. He is the one who will teach you how to treat your husband. Focus your attention on Christ and let Him teach you so that when you meet that man, you will know how to treat him. Do you respect Christ?”
She pauses and shifts slightly: “Some people choose to be single but I think a lot of people desire to get married.”
If we should pursue holiness when we are single, then where does the desire for marriage come from? “The desire to get married is from God, definitely. The church is the bride of Christ. It’s a beautiful thing. [And] marriage is a beautiful thing. But at thirty-one, or at thirty-five, or at forty, you begin to lose hope. I believe that there is a time and season for everything. Open yourself to God to bring the right person. God may have something completely different frm what you think you want. The Bible says that His thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways. Some people are still single because they said ‘Oh, he’s too short, he’s not rich enough,’ and they keep waiting and waiting for the knight in shining armour that never comes. When Jesus came, people expected a prince riding on a horse with an army, but He was a normal person. Don’t be picky. Open your heart to God. Just pray but don’t be bitter about it because God has a time for everything.”
Sometimes we meet great guys who are everything we dreamed of except for that one superficial dealbreaker – tribe, height, wealth or rather the lack thereof. Prayer at such times usually involves beseeching God to let the man see that he cannot be the one for us. Ladies are often confused in such situations and have no idea what to do. Vivian gives her take: “If you pray, you’re going to pray him out of your life. What I tell people is just be a bit more be open-minded. If he approaches you and is interested in you, give him a chance. Talk to him. Maybe go grab a cup of coffee with him. Sometimes we focus too much on how a person looks or his tribe – tribalism is from the devil. We can have preferences but I think tribalism is from the devil. Give the man a chance. Find out more about him. There are some amazing short men. What if you marry a tall guy, and he beats you up, emotionally abuses you, or he is not good in bed? What if you marry this short guy, and he’s an amazing provider, and he is an amazing father to your children, he loves you, you trust him and you are at peace in the home? I’ve dated tall guys that I thought were men of God and it was horrible. Horrible, horrible, horrible. If someone comes and you think it’s not the right person because of their physical attributes, or because they don’t talk right or don’t know how to use chopsticks, or you speak two different languages but they can’t speak French, or they’re not tall or they don’t dress too well – so what? Give him a chance. I’m not saying if they’re not saved. That, you can’t change. That’s not what I’m talking about.”
Although Vivian’s virginity did not ruin her sex life, and although she maintained it well into her twenties, during a dark period of her life she fell into fornication, something that she regrets but does not allow to get her down. This period, when she was what she defines as “lost”, was the darkest moment of her life. “Sometimes as Christians we feel like we have that out-of-body experience, there are words coming out of our mouths [that we never thought we would say, and we are] doing things that we never thought in a million years we would do. [This period was] me being completely and knowingly outside of the will of God; me being completely opposite what Vivian is. To me, Vivian stands for something and Vivian has this standard and principles and ideals. Vivian is a chosen vessel. Before I was born God knew me and ordained me. Not being that, and to portray myself as something completely different from who I know… to act just like everybody else, I think that was the darkest moment of my life. I’m just recovering from that. I got lost and I didn’t know how to get myself back. There was some regret, of course. I’m definitely happy that I found my way back.”
The fact that she held on for as long as she did is enough to convince her – and probably anyone – that it is possible to remain a virgin until marriage. Being a virgin had become a source of pride for her, something that allowed her to take confidence in her flesh and in her own abilities. Breaking her virginity before she was married put a damper in her spiritual walk, but she did not allow it to break her spirit. She finally decided to move on and forget the past because she realized she could do nothing to turn back time. Learning to forgive herself was one of the best things she ever did. “It’s the most-amazing feeling. Just letting everything go like it never happened before. You have this peace that is just amazing. The day I was able to finally do that completely… I’m not entangled by my past.”
But the top three happiest moments of her life were when she had her son, when she got married and the day she went home to Nigeria after thirteen years.
We shift gears to marriage. She has many wonderful things to say about her husband, and I try my best to get a sneak-peek of her married life. Vivian enjoys being a wife. “It’s fantastic!” she says elatedly. “You can pour your heart out to this person. He is someone I can confide in.”
However, we must also remember to be humble and wise: “The key is remembering to have a humble heart. Putting God first in the home. God being the head of the husband, the husband being the priest. Be patient with each other, nobody is perfect. Women need to be understanding and encouraging. Stand by your man, when he has, and when he doesn’t. When God blesses him, he knows that his wife is a humble woman. Be supportive. Men have feelings too. They need love too. Don’t expect too much. Don’t compare him to your father or to other men outside. Do not share your problems with other people. Whatever is between you and your husband, keep it between you and your husband. Some of these friends don’t have good intentions. You have to be careful. Even the good things! Don’t tell people how good your husband is in bed, or what he does or what he bought you – you’re inviting the devil into your home. Just leave it at ‘My husbnd is an amazing guy.’ Don’t go into details. People are envious, they want what you have.”
Even when people do not feel like loving each other, or when there is no money, divorce is a no-no. “If love is over then it was never there to begin with. There are different levels of love. It changes, but it’s still love. If there was money at before that means there can be money again. If a woman complains about this then they didn’t really love the person. If you love this person, you’ll be there. If a man loves a girl because she has big breasts or she’s really skinny and has hourglass shape, she has a baby and she loses that shape, then what happens?”
She knows about love, because her husband has taught her how to forgive and how to grow in love. “I’ve learnt how to be more quiet and to try to think more [instead of] just speaking all the time. I speak my mind but I do it in a more quiet way. He’s a really quiet person. He’s a really private person. I’ve learnt so much about forgiveness. I expected love to come in a certain way, to come in some kind of package but he taught me love in a different way and stripped me of all these ideas I had of how love should be and how it should feel like. He taught me how to love in a different way.”
Because of her busy schedule and the fact that she has a young son, Vivian’s radio show has taken a back seat. However, she is seeking God about it and it should be back soon. She is working on another book; a play, The Shackles Off My Soul; and a movie called The Marriage Pact. She is trying to get into the media aspect of her ministry in relationships and marriage.
Vivian believes virtue is possible and offers final thoughts to every young woman out there: “Any relationship that doesn’t make you a better person, is not the right relationship. Any relationship that puts you down is not the right relationship. Any relationship that makes you feel less of yourself or less of a person is not the right relationship. If you want to know what the right relationship is, look at God and the way He treats us. When you want to find out what love is, look in the Bible and see how God loves us. That’s what love is. It’s not about the butterflies or the flowers. It’s a relationship. Get closer to God. God will enable you to lead a virtuous life. If you’re single and waiting for that person, don’t rush into it. Pray to God to lead you and put you in the right place because He will fulfill the desires of your heart when it comes to marriage and God will bring the right person. In the meantime just focus on Him because that’s all we need.”
Let’s keep Vivian in our prayers, ladies!
Grab a copy of My Virginity is Ruining My Sex Life by clicking here.
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Wow….You are truly an inspiration Vivian.Thank you for sharing your story with us.God bless you.