Coco and Stan
Meet Stan, a musician, and his gorgeous wife Coco, a chief information security officer. This shy duo prefer to be referred to as a “simple New York couple” and are eager to share a bit of their story without putting their images “out there.” In this part-written, part phone, part face-to-face interview, they speak to Paula about, among other things, the challenges a couple faces when the woman makes more than the man.
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Coco:
How do you handle making more money than your husband does?
My husband is amazing. He actually takes care of everything in the house by himself and does not touch my paycheck. I suggested giving it to him every two weeks but he refused, it became a bone of contention. I could not get him to take money from me for anything since he takes being a provider very seriously. So because there is only so much I can use to go to the salon, do my nails, fix my hair and buy him gifts on birthdays and anniversaries, I use the rest of my earnings to consider a field and buy it or set it aside for a rainy day. My friends tell me I live a fantasy. I tell them thank God my fantasy is reality. The two become one. We don’t see it as my money or his money. It’s our money.
Is it harder to submit?
Because I make more money you mean? No! It’s not harder than it normally would be. I mean as a woman you know how we fight this submission thing. But making more money doesn’t make it harder. He is still my husband, the head of our home and the one with whom the buck stops in our household.
What would you say to someone who says your place is in the home and not in the corporate world?
I agree. We don’t have any children, it has been seven years of marriage and we are still believing God. Sitting at home moping and fantasizing won’t do me any good so I am using this time to do what I can so that I can comfortably focus my attention on my children when they get here. I mean it’s tough in the cut throat world of business. It makes a woman rough and tough and more of a man. I think a woman’s place is in the home.
Having lived on both continents throughout your marriage, would you say that marriage is harder in the US than in Africa?
Haha! God has been faithful. Marriage is marriage, in Greenland, Finland or the Motherland. The only place where marriage is easy is No Man’s Land. It was hard being in a new place but it would have been harder if either of us had come over alone. Because we came together we could handle many things from the cold to the different culture. Two are better than one I tell you. Constant prayer helped. I hated the cold, I cried a lot but without Stan I would not have made it at all.
What three things should a wife ensure she says to her husband regularly?
I respect you, you inspire me, I think you’re all that. Men need that affirmation too, not just in actions but in words as well. I mean my husband is the best thing since sliced bread, microwave and dot com combined together. Saying “I respect you” should be done by not interrupting him when he talks, not correcting him in public or being arrogant, and having food ready and a clean home when he is back from work. Saying “you inspire me” is done by dressing up every day in a way that pleases him and makes him happy to be seen with you and carrying yourself in a way that makes him free to let you go out and say to anyone that you are his wife. Saying “you are all that” is said just like that – “You are all that.” I think my husband is the most handsome man on earth but what use will it do if I tell everyone but him?
What’s the best thing you did as a couple before you got married?
We refused to fornicate. Looking back we now see that it was a very wise decision. It was harder than hard, but it is possible. We also underwent counseling before we got married. That woke us up to reality because we were still dazed and in love and needed a reality check.
Stan:
What about your wife puts the biggest smile on your face?
My wife… how can I start? It’s everything about her from the way she walks to the car as I wait in the parking lot at her job, to the fact that she is loyal and has been with me through thick and thin, to the way she cooks food for me like I’m a restaurant patron, to her beautiful, gorgeous smile.
You’re smiling.
Yeah, see? She just brings it out of me, effortlessly.
Your wife’s profession is the kind that has her constantly surrounded by men. Does this ever make you insecure?
Yes, as a matter of fact it did at first, it was one thing that kept me from asking her for a relationship for nine months. There were all these posh businessmen in suits around her, not just that but I asked myself if she would ever look at me twice knowing what I do. I was terrified but I watched her and she seemed humble. After that point, a few people would make some bothersome comments but she always shut them up with her wise but firm responses, that’s what I mean when I say that she is loyal. Now, it’s not an issue at all especially here in the west. I trust her wholeheartedly. She is beautiful, but she is faithful, the gorgeous, faithful wife of my youth.
Did (or do) your in-laws have a problem with your profession? How do/did you handle it?
I did. They did not think I could provide for their daughter until they stated the dowry conditions and I unflinchingly agreed to meet them.Now they know their daughter is in good hands. A few of them still cringe to think “She married a singer!” but hopefully they’ll get used to it, at this point it’s been seven years and there’s not much I can do to help them see if they don’t want to. Aside from that we do have a very cordial relationship, my in-laws are warm and respectful to me and so am I to them.
What three things should a man say to his wife every day?
I love you, you’re beautiful and I’m here for you. And where necessary, I’m sorry. They should not be said out of obligation but with meaning and with actions as well as words.
What’s the biggest mistake you made as a couple before you got married?
I’d say maybe waiting too long to get married. Looking back I could have married Coco in six months. I knew all I needed to know. But there I was, burning with passion because everyone I knew first had to go through several steps and get a certain amount of money and buy a car before thinking of marriage. I wish I’d known what I was missing! But I’m thankful, it was all a great time.
What would you say to a man who is afraid to approach a woman of a “higher social class”?
I’d say go for it. If she is a real woman she will see the person first and not the job or class. If she does the latter she wasn’t good for you anyway.
Both:
Why are you so private?
Stan: We are a shy couple! Or rather Coco is a shy wife. We wouldn’t be able to pay our bills if I was shy. If there is a way to share our story without getting ourselves all out there, we are all for it. Otherwise, no photos allowed!
How can couples fight fair?
That’s a good question. Don’t hit below the belt. Be calm, think about the implications of what you are saying. If you need to, take some time and step aside for a while to think about things instead of saying hurtful things.
What is one thing you have learnt from each other?
Stan: For one, suits don’t sting! Haha – I was more of a casual dresser but my wife prefers that clean-cut look and it has grown on me.
Coco: I learnt to loosen up a little. I am a freer person now, I don’t just wear dull business colors, I love nature and goofiness and of course – music.
How can a solid foundation be laid before marriage?
Because a wise man builds his house upon a rock, and “if the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do?” It can be laid by constantly praying and by having check points every period of time to see how you are doing. Couples should also be accountable to other couples or a pastor.
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