Oshebar and Ebonie
This month, Paula interviewed Oshebar Hardman, the pastor of The HEART Church, and his beautiful wife Ebonie. Oshebar and Ebonie knew each other for just two months before they got married six years ago. They are the authors of a book, “Preparing for Marriage God’s Way”, where they share their story in detail. Their book is available on www.prepareformarriage.net.
Ebonie:
You say, “[Oshebar] officially asked me to court him.” What is the purpose of making things official, as opposed to, say, just ‘going with the flow’ and figuring it out as you go along?
Making things “official” forces a man to make a decision/commitment. It shows that he has set you as priority in his life and is focused, because he has made it official. Going with the flow does not put a woman as a priority. There is no commitment, which welcomes distractions and chaos because there is no focus.
Talk to:
-The young woman who is tired of waiting for Mr. Right.
Continue to wait. If you have a true relationship with God, He will give you the desires of your heart (Psalms 37:4). Now in the meantime while you are waiting, you delight yourself in His word, and grow to be the person He has called you to be (1 Corinthians 7:32).
-The young woman who is tired of encountering Mr. Wrong again and again.
Take a step back from dating and evaluate yourself. We are who we attract. Look at the qualities you possess and determine if there needs to be an inner change. Develop a deeper relationship with Jesus and ask Him to make you more like Him, so that you can attract a man that loves you unconditionally with the love of Christ.
-The young woman who does not believe Mr. Right exists or marriage is for her, and has started preparing herself for a life of singlehood.
I would tell her to assess where the root of that belief derived from. If it is from past hurts or examples of others, then she is not trusting God to bring Mr. Right into her life, and she is basing her future on what man thinks and not what God can do. On the other hand, if the woman doesn’t have a desire to marry and she vows for a life of celibacy, then that is a path that she can take. Paul talks about that in 1 Corinthians 7.
Is it alright for a woman to pursue a man if she is tired of waiting?
No. Never. It is out of order. The word of God is straight forward. It states [in] Proverbs 18:22: Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.” A man finds. Period.
How can a woman tell that a man is serious about her?
A man spends his time with the things he loves most and is serious about. He opens up, becomes vulnerable, and lets her into his inner thoughts and circle He also likes to publicly show others what he cares so much about. He makes her a priority. If he is not serious about her, she is not a priority, and getting to know her on a deeper level never happens.
So, it looks like you had a list! What do you think of Pastor Moses’ article, That List of Qualities Mr. Right Must Have?
I agree with Pastor Moses’ article on not making superficial list. In our book, Preparing For Marriage God’s Way, I go into detail of what my list entailed. My list dealt with character and wanting a mate that mirrored the character of God. I made a list of my vision as Habakkuk did in Habakkuk 2:2. Even though my seventh and final desire in my list might seem fleshly, it was not. It falls in line with both me and my husband’s favorite scripture Hebrews 13:4 (you have to read the book to see what I am talking about).
You both received “affirmation, after affirmation, after affirmation” that you were supposed to get married… how did this happen within a span of just two months?
It’s simple. We just were obedient to God’s voice and “just married”. We use the Nike phrase of “Just do it”. We both heard the voice of God and He made it so clear to us. We were so in tune to His voice because we both had a relationship with Him and knew His voice like a child knows the voice of their parent. When you know His voice, and are obedient, things can happen rather quickly. Usually quicker than the world’s timing standards.
Your husband is now a pastor; what is the biggest challenge you have faced as a pastor’s wife?
Honestly, not being able to miss a Sunday service. We lead by example. I work full time as a Registered Nurse, we have 3 children, and one on the way. Sometimes I would love to just sleep in (smile). What gets me up on those mornings when I am tired is the fact that I am my husband’s biggest supporter and want to support His God ordained purpose in life. My husband’s priorities are in order; His love for Christ, his love for me, his love for his children, and he is walking in his purpose in life. Because He is in line with God, I fall in line with my purpose of supporting him and both my children and I are rewarded spiritually, physically, and financially.
Oshebar:
At what point is a man ready for marriage?
I believe a man is ready for marriage when he understands what he wants in life and the importance of what a woman can bring to him in his life. Most men don’t get it at first unless they have had good godly influences in their life. Often times it takes making mistakes to get them to know the importance of a good woman. I’m sorry to say it, but most times we find out the hard way. It is just the way that we are wired.
How can a young woman know if a man truly loves her; what signs should she look for?
If he is willing to do anything for her including embarrassing himself and his ego to show his love for his woman. He will not hide anything from her. He will come clean on everything in his life. She will never have to wonder where his heart is because he will give it to her. He will pursue this woman. No games will be played.
What is the reason for men’s reluctance to marry?
I don’t think men are reluctant to marry. I think all men have a maturation process (Experiencing life, Finding our self, and Establishing a purpose). The time period is different in all men. Some men get it early and some get it later in life. However, when we get it, we could get married right then and there and it would not bother us. What hinders us is sometimes we let our friends who haven’t matured yet speak negatively into our lives to slow the process.
How much time does a man need to get to know a woman? You guys only knew each other for two months, yet unbeknownst to Ebonie, you had watched her for two years. Before that fateful Bible study, were you deliberately watching her with the intention of wooing her, or did you just sort of “notice” her?
There is no time limit. All a man has to see is if she loves him. There are some things a man will never find out about a woman until they are married. I think this is the way that God wants it because He wants a commitment first so you won’t run out on her when those issues come up.
I wouldn’t say I watched her for two years; however, I did noticed her because of the awkward circumstances I saw her in. The first was that she gave a testimony in church in front of thousands of people about what was actually going on in her life. Who has the guts to do that? Secondly, she was given $100 for her birthday by a well known Pastor who just happened to pick her out of the crowd. These instances got my attention, but I was not at the point I need to be in my maturation to embrace a woman like that yet. I saw her, but I didn’t see her if you understand where I’m coming from. God had my eyes closed until the appointed time when I was ready to see clearly.
Six years later, is the food still as good as it was the first time you went to that Bible study? 
I can unequivocally say that actually the food is as good, if not better. She knows me better and now she fixes it exactly the way I like it.
Ebonie says that God changed your plans the week you met her. You were supposed to be out of town that week. How would you encourage a man whose plans are not going the way he would want them to go?
You must surrender to God. Allow him to guide you in your preparation. He know what is best for you anyway. He created you.
Talk to:
-The young woman who has been heartbroken several times and thinks she’s getting it wrong.
What I say to the woman that is heartbroken is love God and He will teach you how to love yourself and then you will be able to love others.
-The young woman who rejects all men because she was rejected by one man.
When a woman rejects all men based on what one man has done, she is actually rejecting herself. She has gotten to a place and point where she feels that she may be inadequate. Therefore she shuns the guys because she doesn’t want to deal with her inner issues. Begin to be real with yourself and allow God to deal with your issues of hurt, bitterness, and resentment. Forgiveness will allow you to move on.
Both:
You guys knew each other for two months. Eight weeks. How does one go from “I don’t know you from Adam” to “I now pronounce you husband and wife” in approximately 60 days?
It took faith in God to understand that this is what He had planned for our lives. We didn’t know what to expect. All we knew was the word ofGod. We trusted him, and when you trust in Him, He will never steer you wrong.
Shouldn’t people get to know each other as good friends first, before they decide whether they want to be in a relationship?
When we met, it felt like we had known each other forever. We were friends in the Spirit. This surpasses what the world thinks of friendship. It is inexplicable, the bond that we had.
Why would a young woman who has an education, big dreams and high prospects for the future want to give that all up for the prison that marriage is considered to be today?
No one says you have to give that up. Marriage is all about give and take.
Is it ill-advised for people to get married before they finish college?
[Oshebar:] It is not ill-advised. As a matter of fact, I am currently working on my Master of Leadership and Masters of Divinity. While being married, my wife switched careers from being an accountant to now working as a registered nurse. She is also pursuing her Masters in Nursing. We are doing this in addition to me Pastoring and working full-time as an engineer while parenting three kids with another on the way.
How much money should a couple have before they settle down?
We believe it doesn’t matter how much money you have. My wife was bankrupted and I was unemployed when we married. We went to the courthouse and the total spent on rings and the ceremony was about $160.00.
What inspired you to write the book Preparing for Marriage God’s Way?
Over the years we have given countless advice to others and we feel that it is time to share with the world our love story.
What does your book offer to singles today?
We were transparent on how we met, what was going on in both of our lives, and how God had us preparing for marriage. It shows the male and female viewpoint on being single and wanting to marry. The chapters were written individually, to express what was going on in our lives in different seasons.
Click here to get Preparing for Marriage God’s Way!
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