SP and Joy

Posted by Yakuti in Archives | 10 views since Jan 31, 2012 | 10 comments

SP and Joy are a gifted, radiant African couple with a dream to change the world. Together, they blog, minister, inspire and encourage. In this interview, they share a little about the joy of marriage, the sorrow of losing their child, and the hope and healing that Jesus Christ brings to all who will open their hearts to Him.

SP:

How did you know your wife was the one?

I just somehow knew that I knew that she was the one.There was a chemistry, a desire, a love, God – but I guess one of the greatest tests for me was the time it took. I waited a whole 12 months after I asked Joy if she would consider spending the rest of her life with me, before she said yes.It was the longest I have ever had to wait.

You say your backgrounds are very similar. How has God used your pasts to strengthen your marriage?

Our pasts are both broken and dysfunctional. God has used this to give us a vision for a different future. It is primarily where our passion to serve our generation is born. It is the reason why we do what we do.

What is the first thing your wife does when you get home every day?

It keeps varying… sometimes she is not home when I get home, most of the time she opens the gate for me and welcomes me back home.

What has being a husband taught you about Jesus? What does it mean to love Joy the way Christ loved the church?

To be the best husband to Joy I must love Jesus with all my life. In terms of loving Joy as Christ loved the church:

Be willing to give of myself to the point of death. Jesus loved the church so much He was willing to die for her, and He did. This is the thing about Him that releases the church to submit to Him because the church understands that He is not out to abuse and control her but rather that His heart is for her. Once my wife understands that I will hold nothing back from her, it releases her to submit in freedom because my heart is for her.

Is there such a thing as a soulmate?

Oh yes…it is a wonderful and sweet mystery. The becoming of one even though you are two.

What are the marks of a man of honour?

A lover of God. Commitment. Humility. Strength. Honor. Service

Joy:

What part of your marriage vows stood out the most for you?

All of them were powerful. Right now it’s the part that says for rich or for poor and in sickness and in health. I have had a chance to experience both. My husband and I started with just faith, right now we are still amazed at God’s blessing.

When we lost our son, I experienced a great ministry through my husband. After the cesarean birth I had an infection and it was hard for me to move, go to the bathroom, I was so helpless. There is not a day when my husband was not next to me, he took time off his work and stayed home with me, fixed all the meals, took me to every hospital appointment, helped me read my daily scriptures. I can never trade that experience for anything, now I deeply know that my husband was serious when he made his vows.

As someone who speaks often in public, your husband must get a lot of attention from people. How do you deal with this? Have you ever had to sacrifice “us-time” for someone who needed to be ministered to, and how did this make you feel?

The vision my husband and I have involves him being exposed to the public so I am really okay with that, because the experience with my husband is that he is a humble man. There have been times when he had to sacrifice the “us-time” and it was totally okay with me, because most of the time I get to be involved in what is occupying him. He is also very strong on family so I rarely notice the sacrifice.

What three myths about marriage do you think unmarried women should discard with immediate effect?

“All men are bad.” After I met my husband I totally got over that one. The male figures we grew up with might not have been good to us but they are not all men.

“Marriage is a prison.” I believe marriage is what you choose to make it. If you’re to do it right it will give you life, but if you just do it as you see fit it will suck life out of you.

“A man can not have one woman.” This is a decision that one makes. After I grew up in a polygamous setting and faced all its consequences, I’m determined to be the best woman my husband will ever think about. I’m intentional about this every day.

How have your friendships (especially with your girlfriends) changed since you got married?

My girlfriends and I got married almost the same time so am thankful for that. Though I got married first. It was a little tough with no one to enjoy this stage with [me] but soon they joined me. It’s a joy to look back to where we were and where we are right now. Some of them have children now and I refer to them as our children and it’s so much fun to continue writing the chapters of our story together.

What is a woman’s biggest need in marriage?

It’s just that four-lettered word, “love.” Experiencing my husband’s love just frees me to be and I love that experience.

Both:

What steps can couples take to make marriage less stressful?

Intentionally work at investing in it, so it can produce the desired results.

How can couples raise godly children in these treacherous times?

You cannot expect to raise godly kids if you are not godly yourselves. Also this does not happen by accident, just like a good marriage, it takes time, work and intentionally pursuing this goal.

[One way to do this is] sitting at the feet of those who have done it right though they are scarce.

What are your thoughts on each of these statements?

(1)“Love cannot pay the bills” / “Will we eat love?”

How we define love matters. Love is a behavior, so it’s inseparable from action. If the action is with the motivation of love it will pay the bills.

(2)“There is no marriage in heaven. Don’t kill yourself because of a man.”

While it is true that in heaven there is no marriage, that should not prevent us from doing whatever we have to do to keep our marriage because marriage is a covenant. When we do not get tired in doing good in due time we reap the harvest of a good marriage.

(3)Only married people say singlehood is a gift.

Sounds like one who is not satisfied in marriage and so they long for the singlehood days. It is good for us to live [out] a season, fully enjoy it and let it prepare us for the next phase in life so that there are no regrets.

(4)“Marriages lasted a lifetime in the past because the lifespan/life expectancy was so much shorter than it is today.”

That’s an excuse; the principles of living and marriage are still the same. The fifth commandment exults us to honor our Father and Mother so that we may live longer, this is not a very common practice today, because finally everyone has their rights…

(5)“We’re in a committed and monogamous relationship. We love each other and that is all God expects. Sex is simply an expression of that love. Why should we reduce our union to a piece of paper – after all, that’s what marriage is, and what difference does it make? Look how many miserable couples exist today because of that contract.”

For starters, love is not a piece of paper. There is a difference between a contract and a covenant. A contract is a temporary agreement between two or more parties to give something in exchange for receiving something. Therefore it can be a good thing but very limited. It can be changed, ignored and broken especially in today’s society.

The idea of a covenant is very different. It is two parties mutually entering into an unconditional, life long [agreement] that cannot be broken. Regardless if one of the parties neglects to fulfill their part of agreement, the covenant is still binding.

It is hard for one to tell that you have lost your son, because you exude such joy and have continued to serve and blog, with images of both of you smiling radiantly. How is this possible?

There is a foundation that is deeper than pain… our faith in God. In the morning comes joy. We have found joy in the strength of the Lord as we have waited on Him. Once you understand that you are not the final in-charge person, you can afford to smile.

You had Gabriel’s room decorated and painted while you were still pregnant. Were either of you angry about this and all the preparations you made when he passed away?

It was painful to say the least. We prepared ourselves because we were expectant. I don’t think we were angry. God allowed us this responsibility and the understanding that even though we had prepared a place for Gabriel, He too had prepared a place for him that does not even come close to what we have for him. As we have reflected on this, it has shed a bit of light in understanding the pain that God must go through for everyone of His kids who turn away from the place He has prepeared for them,our eternal home.

Looking back, would you have done anything differently during the pregnancy?

Both of us were glad that we were fully present for our son. And we knew that Gabriel felt the warmth of our love even before he was born. I don’t know if there was anything we would do different.

Did you ever hold your son in your arms? How did it feel to hold him, only to have him taken away from this realm barely hours later? How can we let go of people and things that God takes away from us?

None of us got to hold him in our hands while he was alive, but his mother carried him in her womb for 41 weeks. We miss Gabriel… In terms of letting go: It takes time and we must seek to be authenticate and vulnerable in the letting go process. Only then can we experience true surrender to God. The other thing is understanding that God is the author of life, not us, and He has our best interests at heart. Trust in God is key. He gives and takes away.

What have you gained in this period of loss?

We have grown deeper in our walk with the Lord because He alone can and has comforted us. We have grown to admire pain (we love and are inspired by Philipians 3:10-11). We both can relate to people in pain much deeper.

What can you share with other couples or individuals who may be questioning God’s existence during times of intense pain?

There are several things we could share.

First of all your questions and concerns are legitimate. However, we should be careful not to confuse our facts and the way we feel because of the pain we are experiencing with the truth. Leaning on the truth will hold us up even when our feelings and facts fail us. The other thing is no matter the amount and kind of pain, God does comfort but we must open ourselves up for that comfort. The thing that has also helped us is to understand that we are not the first to suffer. Jesus suffered and He endured.

Joy found it difficult to see how people go through pregnancy alone, eg out of wedlock, according to one blog post. Do you think being married makes a difference when dealing with losing a baby?  If so, how?

Two are better than one. When one is weak the other is strong. The presence of another person (spouse) is a representation of God’s truth that we are not alone.

Click here to read SP  and Joy’s blog!

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