This month, Paula interviewed Jessica Martin, an activist against dating violence, a non-active member of TEAR (Teens Experiencing Abusive Relationships) and author of the Christian Lady’s Dating Constitution, available on www.dating-constitution.com.

Great book! What made you decide to write this?

I was actually training to be a part of a community response team for domestic violence situations in the community I resided in. I learned so much from the training that I received. After receiving that training I became a member of Teens Experiencing Abusive Relationships. The knowledge that I received from both trainings encouraged me to reach teens that are raised in Christian households. It is my belief that Christian many pre-teens and teens face difficulties filtering what they observe in their households, in schools, information from peers, and making a commitment to have a transparent walk with Jesus Christ. The statistics show that Christians are not immune to unhealthy relationships. I decided to write this book to encourage teens to maintain or re-establish a transparent walk with Jesus Christ by sharing my story. My mother has always told me that prevention is better than cure. I hold on to that belief as well. I believe knowledge and testimonies are tools that empowers and may prevent an individual from making poor choices.

What went on between the first thought, “Maybe I should write,” and the day you actually flipped your laptop open and began to type out this book (or opened a notebook and began to write it)?

My book started out as a journal where I was keeping track of the things I learned, scriptures I studied, statistics I gathered, and correspondences that I was having with teens and their parents. I prayed about it a lot and I asked God to make it clear if He wanted me to write this book — and I believe He did. When writing this book I was very nervous because it is written, Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. (James 3:1). So I prayerfully made certain that my book was a tool of encouragement not a teaching or preaching tool.

Did you always want to be a writer? What’s your “day job”?

I began writing songs when I was seven years old. Then it progressed to writing poetry in high school. I never had any intention to write a book; however the desire to write this book pervaded my thoughts for a long time, actually two years before I wrote this book. My day job is that I work as a patient liaison of a Emergency Room Department and I am a nursing student scheduled to graduate soon.

How did you come to know the Lord?

I never thought I would actually commit my life to the Lord. Growing up in a Christian home frustrated me as a teen. I hated going to church and I would purposefully make fun of many if not all the ministers I saw or heard. One day, when I was fourteen years old, my mother purchased DirectTV for their 24 hour Christian station called TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network). We had four televisions in the house at that time all the televisions in the house were tuned to TBN all day. I had no choice but to watch the ministers preaching on the television. One day, I heard a minister on the television preaching and I remember feeling like a dagger went through my heart. I prayed willfully for God to come into my life for the first time and since then I made a conscious decision to pursue a relationship with God.

What has been the most victorious moment of your life so far?

I have had several victorious moments in my life. But the one that sticks out to me is a revelation in my thought life. I realized that the devil is a liar and that God has broken that chains and has set me free from every bondage. So with this mindset that I have, whenever legalism, discouragement, condemnation, fear, and other things creep into my mind and environment, I have learned that those things are not fruits of the Holy Spirit.

In my twenties I have started to develop a character of perseverance in the midst of confusion and discouragement. My greatest victory is coming to the understanding that I do not have to be a perfect person to be a vessel or instrument of God. I believe that I am the clay and God is the Potter and He is continually molding me.

We all feel like giving up every once in a while. What is the one Bible verse that keeps you going at such times?

Quitting is not an option for me because I know God is real and I know that God is ever present. What I constantly struggle with is discouragement, especially when I am challenged to increase my faith and not dwell on what is actually in front of me. The Scripture that encourages me and keeps me going is 2 Corinthians 4.

In your book, you say a few things that may be a little controversial. For instance, you say “believe in yourself and stand by your feelings.” One might say, “but the Bible says believe in God (John 14:1, 1 Peter 1:21, etc), and the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9).” How would you respond to this?

I didn’t intend for anything to be controversial in the book. The Lord says the following [in] Matthew 10:16, I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. 1 John 4:1 [says], Beloved, do not believe every spirit, But test the spirits, whether they are of God… 2 Timothy 3: 13 [says that], evil men and seducers shall wax worse and worse, deceiving, and being deceived. In 2 Timothy 3, it talks about the character of people that will be present in the last days and it instructs women in verse 5 to turn away from such men, which is an action. In verse 6, it indicated that women were taken captive and deceived by ungodly men because they were weak-willed and silly. In verse 15 it discusses that the only way to build wisdom is through the knowledge of the scriptures.

Situations have to be tested and tried against the word of God. I believe it is dangerous for an individual to negate their ability to make sound decisions. I said to believe in yourself because self-doubt many times can cause an individual to do unwise things such as elevate another person over themselves. [This] may expose them to being belittled and/or controlled, which is ungodly. To do anything against your conscious is not a good thing. That person has to hesitate, find out why their red flags are going off  and analyze if the situation or circumstance is unhealthy, goesagainst their standards, or needs to be discussed with a spiritual elder for advice.

You also say, “You have the right to be mean, it is okay!” What do you mean by this?

There are cases when an individual may go along with a situation or circumstance that they do not feel comfortable with; because they did not want to appear mean. The Lord says to submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you, James 4:7. It also says in Ephesians 6:12, For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. 1 Corinthians 5:11, But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.

The definition of resist is, “refuse to comply or stand up or offer resistance to something.” There are situations and perhaps individuals that you may have to walk away from. Peers or family may classify that as being “mean” whereas you are being wise and resisting an avenue for the devil to enter your life.

Your book is directed at teens and pre-teens, since the majority of teens in America begin dating at age 14. Would you recommend dating at age 14?

No I do not believe any one at the age of 14 should be dating. But the reality is that some teens are secretly dating or having unhealthy friendships unbeknownst to their parents or guardians. I believe dating is intended for individuals who are seeking marriage. At the age of 14, teens should be figuring out what direction they want to go in life and should be focused on developing and maturing their relationship with God.

What is the purpose of dating?

I believe dating is intended for individuals who are seeking marriage. It is also an avenue to build a stronger friendship with the person whom you are dating.

At what point is it alright for a woman to begin dating?

I am uncertain, that individual needs to seek godly counsel from a trusted minister or elder.

Many Christian women are resolute in their teens about remaining chaste. However, they get into their twenties, and sometimes into their thirties, and begin to get frustrated by the wait. Can you honestly say it is possible for a woman to abstain from sex before marriage? How can she do this?

It is possible for woman to abstain from sex before marriage. It is all about being strong-willed. If an individual commits their life to the Lord after having a godless life or comes back to seeking Him after walking away from Him, they can definitely recommit to abstain from physical intimacy until marriage. Many are doing it. It is written in Psalm 27:14, Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. Romans 10:11, Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame.

A man that respects you and serves God will wait for marriage. I, as a single lady, am also in the waiting period. I am waiting for the Lord to lead the right individual into my life; however, until that time comes, I am working on my soul to make sure it is healthy. My soul, meaning my mind, my will, and my emotions. I want to be a spiritually and emotionally healthy individual and that pursuit constantly occupies my time and thoughts. I am not an expert and this book was in no way to be an instruction guide but a tool of encouragement by sharing my experience.

What is an abusive relationship?

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, emotional attacks, verbal assaults, mind games, and humiliation.

As you have mentioned, you work with an organization known as TEAR, Teens Experiencing Abusive Relationships. The Cycle of Abuse is similar among teens and among adults. First of all, it is shocking to know that teenagers are being abused, and in many cases by fellow teenagers. What are teenagers looking for – why are relationships starting out so early these days?

Teenagers are following trends. Their parents may have set an unhealthy or bad example or they may not be educating, teaching, or monitoring their children properly. Teens are also bombarded by standards that the media places via movies, magazines, music, and other avenues. Also, I truly believe there are a lot of broken homes nowadays and children are not getting the proper emotional, mental and spiritual guidance. Therefore they are more open to falling prey to unhealthy situations. Job 1:7 says, The LORD said to Satan, “Where have you come from?” Satan answered the LORD, “From roaming through the earth and going back and forth in it.” 1 Peter 5:8 [tells us to] Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

Teens are easy prey because many of them if they are not properly guided by parents are guardians are not able to withstand the tricks of satan.

How do women get into abusive relationships?

The same reasons as teens; many are deceived and were unable to recognize the warning signs. Some bypassed the warning signs, deceiving themselves, thinking that they can change the individual. Therefore getting caught up in an unhealthy cycle of abuse, in which the partner is controlling the individual through either emotional, verbal, or physical abuse.

Are women abusive, too?

Yes, they can be. Abuse is about power and control. The gender of an individual does not dictate abuse.

What causes a person to become abusive in a relationship?

The desire for power and control over another individual.

You say you went through an abusive relationship, but stayed there for years. You are confident and headstrong woman, and so are many women who end up in abusive relationships. How does this happen?

Deception. I was deceived and I was also very young 18 years old. I was away from sound counsel, I wasn’t attending church regularly, and I had the wrong friendships around me. My friends at the time were secular Christians they weren’t very devout in following the Lord. Since I did not wisely control my environment or surround myself in a healthy Christian surroundings and fellowship, I fell into one of satan’s traps. While I was in the friendship stage with my then ex-boyfriend I did detect unhealthy behaviors and beliefs, but I did not take a break to seek godly counsel and I did not understand the urgency to turn away from such individuals who exhibited ungodly characteristics or who were manipulative and controlling. I also put too much unearned trust in my ex-boyfriend.

There is a scripture in which Jesus spoke and said, “You are going to have the light just a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. The man who walks in the dark does not know where he is going. (John 12:35).” It is also written: It is better to trust and take refuge in the Lord than to put confidence in man. Psalm 118:8.

I always say when in doubt, take a break and pray it out. And I believe that an individual has the right to walk away from any situation that may cause confusion or is chaotic, while they are able to recognize the dysfunction. God is not the author of Confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33), and I did not know that at the time. One thing that I was led to believe by my friends and ex-boyfriend was that conflict was normal and I was also led to believe that if I changed the relationship would get better. This is a cycle of brainwashing and emotional abuse. Many times in unhealthy relationships it begins with emotional abuse then proceeds to verbal and physical abuse.

The Bible says that the only situation where divorce is acceptable is adultery (Matt 5:31-32, Matt 19:3-9). What then is a woman in an abusive marriage to do?

I would personally separate myself from someone that is capable of harming me. Statistics show that thousands of women are killed by their significant others each year. I believe God is a just God and He is full of Compassion. I do not believe the Lord wants us to be martyrs for the sake of maintaining marriage vows with an individual who is of no self-control, manipulative, and etc. Such a person is not a man of God. 1 Corinthians 5:11 [says], I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people.

I like to refer to 2 Timothy 3, where it commands that women should not subject themselves to abusive men but should turn away from them. I am not a minister, therefore I would advise any woman in an abusive marriage to seek godly counsel. However, if I were in an abusive marriage and if my husband had no desire to change, divorce would be an option for me, especially if I had children. I would not want my children to grow up assuming abuse was normal and having that abuse imprinted on their minds.

These are some scriptures to consider along with 2 Timothy 3: Matthew 16:19 and Matthew 18:18.

Does dressing have anything to do with date rape?

From the cases that I am aware of that some women unknowingly placed themselves in a dangerous situation. Date rape many times occurs by someone that the victim knows. I am certain that a victim of date rape had no idea that the individual would assault her.

I do believe provocative clothing is not wise, for it is written for women to dress modestly. 1 Timothy 2:9, I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety… Unfortunately the fashion nowadays is anything but modest. But the victim is not to be blamed at all for any rape case. The act of rape is pre-meditated, the rapist makes the conscious decision to assault the victim against their will. Dressing has nothing to do with the act of rape, the rapist does not exercise self-control and purposefully assaults the victim. Blaming a victim for dressing in an unscrupulous manner is merciless and unwise. To blame a victim would be saying that the victim asked and welcomed the assault and therefore deserved it. That is almost never the case.

What would you say to Tamar (2 Samuel ch. 13) if she came to you right after she was raped?

Tamar’s situation was very sad. If she was present in 2010, I would listen to her account of the situation, be a great friend and confidant as she seeks medical, psychological, and spiritual counseling. I would advise that she go to the hospital within 24 hours after the assault to receive medical treatment and file a police report. I would then advise her to go to receive counseling from both a professional counselor of a rape or sexual sssault crisis center and a trusted minister. Rape is a tragic offense and I believe only counseling and the Holy Spirit can help to properly heal a victim.

Do you think Christian women today are desperate to be in relationships?

Yes! Women in general are desperate.

If there was one thing you could tell Christian men everywhere, what would it be?

The Christian community tends to focus a lot on the Proverbs 31 woman. The men need to realize that there was a prophecy concerning how they would be in the last days in 2 Timothy 3. Christian men need to rise a higher standard in regards to their character and set an example to the rest of the world, instead of following the world’s example.

The Bible says whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap (Galatians 6:9). How can single women sow now, so that they can reap bountifully in marriage?

I am not married at the moment, so I don’t believe it is wise for me to give my opinion. I can only speak about myself at the moment. Right now I am focusing on myself and God. I am focused on casting down every thing that tries to take the place of God in my life–this is the hardest task of my life. I want God to be my Father, my Lord, my friend, my brother, and my shield.

What are the marks of a man of honor?

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Galatians 5:22-23

How can a woman know if God has called her to be single?

I am uncertain.

Is it realistic to think virtue is possible in 2010?

Yes, but it is hard. I struggle all the time especially in this society that many times what is wrong is right and what is right is considered to be archaic and wrong. Examples: Cursing, gossiping, excessive partying, foul music, and etc. But to serve the Lord we have to deny ourselves and take up the cross and follow Him, Mark 8:34. I am challenged every day to do that. Sometimes I fail, but I get back up again and continue pressing forward to strive for perfection. Proverbs 24:16, Phillippians 3:14-15.

Should Christian ladies expect more books from Ms Jessica Martin?

I really do not plan [to write] another book, perhaps in the future, 5 years from now (God-willing), I will re-release the book with more information or if I get married I would write an account of the marriage. I do plan [to create] and publish a magazine.

Click here  to visit Jessica’s website.

Click here  to buy The Christian Lady’s Dating Constitution on Amazon.

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