Nantambu and Grace
Meet Nantambu and Grace, our featured couple for February 2010. Nantambu is a clinical psychologist and Grace is a preschool teacher. They share with us their thoughts on the challenges and triumphs of love and marriage. Enjoy!
Nantambu:
Why Grace?
Grace is a gem. I actually call her johari, which is Kiswahili for jewel. The first time I saw her, she was engaging an intrigued little girl in conversation. It was a beautiful picture and instantly I replaced that little girl with the daughter I one day hoped to have. I made up my mind to get to know Grace. I found out a little about her. Like Boaz, I asked around. I did my investigations. Inevitably before long I got to the point where I realized that if I didn’t keep this gem for myself, I would be a fool. Sometimes I look at her and still cannot believe it, she is my wife. God really loves me.
Is there hope for marriages today? Are marriages in crisis?
There is plenty of hope for marriages today. Because of the culture we live in, yes, marriages are facing more challenges than ever before. But where sin abounds grace abounds more. God is still God and He never gives us anything we cannot handle. Marriage is a gift and an injunction from Him. He would never ask us to do something if He had not provided the grace to get through it. With God all things are possible.
What is one quality every wife must possess in order to have a happy marriage?
I will say just like the man, she must be born again and have passion for the Lord. From there everything can be worked out.
What’s the best day of the week for you and Grace? Why?
Sunday is the best day for me and I believe also for her because after a morning of worship we get to enjoy each other and recap on the week gone by. Sunday is also the day she makes my favourite meal, pilau. Occasionally she will also make mandazi, that’s a puff pastry that we East Africans enjoy. I always look forward to the weekend.
At what age do you think men should get married?
It is not the age that matters. An 18-year-old can be a man just as a 40-year-old can be a boy if we think about it. What the word says is that a man and not a boy shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. The thing is determining who is a man. 18 or 40, a man is spiritually mature enough to pastor his house, economically, physically, sexually mature to run the family, be a good example and leader and facilitate fruitfulness and stewardship.
How important is it for couples to determine their like-mindedness or congruity while in courtship?
Very important. Not everybody who claims to have a relationship with God really has one. There has to be enough time to test the spirits and determine if two people are on the same page. It is also important for them to keep each other on their toes intellectually and in interaction. It takes some time to determine if this man or this woman is serious about the Lord and if they are on the same intellectual level. Although God has been known to bring the strangest of combinations together. The key question is, is God the key?
Someone told me that the wedding period is usually a blur for men. All they remember is “kiss the bride” and the wedding night. Is this true?
Not for me! “Kiss the bride” and the wedding night were definite highlights but I had so much fun at my wedding. I enjoyed the whole process even before the day itself. From getting fitted for my tux, you know it was my very first time to wear a tuxedo so it was very exciting. My closest friends were there supporting me in the line-up, family members I had not seen for years and years graced the occasion and Grace and I danced until our limbs hurt and celebrated our union. It was not a blur at all. I remember almost every detail. I think it’s what you make it. If you’re nervous just tell yourself look, I am going to be here the whole day so why not enjoy it?
What was your biggest challenge in courtship?
Our different backgrounds. I came from a ‘perfect,’ family with two girls and two boys, a dog and a picket fence. Grace came from a broken home. We were poles apart. She would do some things and I would think something was very wrong somewhere. I would say some things and she could not relate at all. It was only when we decided to go to warfare with this situation that it eased up and we got to understand each other better. Understanding is very important in courtship and marriage.
What does it mean for a husband to dwell with his wife according to knowledge (1 Peter 3:7)?
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge. Husbands need to get to know their wives through and through. For me it means understanding that Grace has physical, spiritual and emotional needs. Remembering the things that made her happy before we got married; you know it is very easy to forget to be romantic and to become complacent and let ourselves go. To know Grace, I have to study her and spend time with her. I know what makes her happy, what would make her sad, relaxed or nervous. We have been together for eight years now, courtship and marriage included. She has grown. I have to keep abreast of her and this means dedicating my time to her.
Grace:
Why Nantambu?
He is the perfect match for me. From the very first day I talked to him, he blessed my life and has never stopped. He makes me feel like a queen and strengthens my faith. He is the best gift I could ever ask for. I think I’m the most blessed woman on earth.
A friend of mine asked two questions I want to direct to you: “What’s wrong with having a plan B before a woman gets married? Why should people be stuck together because of some words they uttered in front of family and friends?”
Marriage is a covenant. Plan B comes from this generation of consumerism and contracts and deals. Jesus told us that by our words we would be justified and by them we would be condemned. Nobody holds a gun to people’s heads asking them to make these vows. It is done voluntarily. Words are important. Even on earth, words spoken with a witness present can be very useful to prove a case in a court of law. When people get married, they should tell themselves meaningfully that divorce is not an option in their case. They should seek God to write this understanding on their hearts. This will help them think twice before vows and stick to it when the storms come.
How important is parental approval before marriage?
Very important, but it depends on the scenario. Our parents are an authority over us but God is an authority over our parents. However God can use our parents to express His will concerning marriage.
What do you think is the biggest mistake people make in courtship?
Definitely fornication. It is never worth it. Let me add to that the common trend of cohabiting before marriage.
What are some wrong reasons for marriage?
Some women see marriage as a way out of financial woes. Some think it will quench lust or give them independence. Lately I have been seeing a lot of peer pressure marriages. Somebody celebrates their 27th birthday and all their friends are married so they also want marriage. Another wrong reason is for things like immigration status and documents.
What are three key things that can tell a woman that a man is the one for her?
I think it is a threefold cord. The primary thing like you have said so many times is leadership. A man has to be able to lead his wife and home. However, this leadership has to be tied into the second thing which is spiritual responsibility. If he does not challenge your faith then he will lead you in the wrong direction. The third thing is a spiritually mature leader must also be humble or else he will abuse the woman.
What happens when two incompatible people get married?
Now that they are married and they are one, they just have to deal with it because God hates divorce. Incompatibility to me means that they are not on the same page spiritually which is dangerous and requires prayer. However if it is things like one person leaving socks on the table or not taking out the garbage, these things can be worked out with communication and patience.
What has been your biggest challenge as Nantambu’s wife?
Submission! Without a doubt. I was always very independent and stubborn. Now here I was, married, and my husband can tell me not to do something and I just have to yield? It was a struggle. As a Tanzanian woman I know all too well about submission as we are taught to respect our husbands. However because my family moved to the United States when I was young, some of these things were thrown to the wind. I even became somewhat feministic. God has helped me greatly and understanding who I am as a woman has helped me know that submission does not mean weakness. Thank God for that revelation.
Can love pay the bills?
Not only can it pay the bills but it will pay them. If as a man I love my wife, I will do what it takes to make sure she is provided for. If as a woman I love my husband I will not put a heavy yoke on him and be unrealistic with my expectations. Love will pay the bills in this way. Love will also allow a conducive environment for bills to be paid.
Both:
What’s a couple to do when it truly dawns on them that none of them is perfect?
They can love each other and extend grace. Sometimes we have this fantasy only to discover that the man snores and the woman is a bit messy. Communication is key in all things. They should not keep quiet with their struggles and complaints but they should pray and talk through them and work them out.
What do you do together to strengthen your marriage?
Nantambu: There was a time we had I believe our biggest fight and I was going to roll over and sleep without talking to Grace. I was facing the wall. She came over and knelt beside my bed and tearfully told me she loved me. After that, the fight did not matter. Every time I am about to make a big deal of something, I remember that night. Her gentle ‘answer’ from many months ago turns away my ‘wrath’ to this day just like it says in Proverbs 15.
Grace: Sweetheart makes me laugh. Even when I am about to be sad, he will bring out a joke to lighten the moment.
Both: We revisit our vows every anniversary. We pray, play and laugh together. We discovered this trick a few years ago that works for us: Every day, we take ten minutes just to find out how we are. We say the words “I love you” meaningfully every day.
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I love Graces approach of using a soft answer to turn away wrath, its one example I will certainly use when I get married!
This is simply beautiful. I can’t wait to get married and taste the blessing that marriage bring forth. Sweet couple.