Love vs Money
Dear Pea,
I am engaged and God forbid but I think financial issues will be the biggest fight of the marriage. My fiancé makes 3 times as much money as I do. He is an aircraft engineer and I am a mere customer service representative, yet he insists that moneys should be split 50/50 when we get married. How can?? I can barely afford to go to the saloon, talk less of taking care of the big house we are hoping to move into. Please am I being unreasonable? Tell us something about sharing costs, provision and et cetera. This women’s liberation thing might not be too good after all. Chivalry cannot be dead????? What should an honourable man of God do and how can an honourable woman of God present this in a non-nagging manner?
Semerian
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Semerian, I got stuck so I forwarded your question to Kenya.fm. Below are his thoughts. 
The answer is not so simple as it may seem. If you consider the whole background, you will see that it requires deeper thought that just “one..two..ways to manage money in marriage.”
Let us begin with reasons for marriage.
REAL reason:
A way through which the Lord God gets to have children, and show them His love for them.
Now the other less glamorous reason:
Why Marry so and so (Christian marriage perspective)
Love of man for a woman.
Woman likes the man, feels she has admiration/respect for the man
This is the biblical reason why Mr Engineer and Ms Sales lady would want to marry each other.
If you accept this, then what follows will be less difficult for you.
If not, I think you will be disappointed by what is below. In that case, I really do not have an answer for you.
So,
All our love ought to be modeled after Christ love; agape love.
“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” (John 15:12)
And a man ought to love his wife as Christ the church.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Ephesians 5:25-28)
What all that means is agape love. (if you need details and definitions, see http://kenya.fm/?p=689)
That means:
He treats/lives with her as Christ treats/lives with his church (you/the believer)
Christ loved you enough to die for you . A man ought o love his wife the same same way.
That means, he will only succeed in marriage if he shows her agape love.
That means that, since agape is Christ given, a non born again person will fail in this area. (see post on this here, http://kenya.fm/?p=689)
If you still agree, then let’s proceed to apply this.
In relation to anything in marriage (e.g. money arrangement in marriage), this means for the man that:
(i) his greatest interest would be you, not your input($x) into the finances area.
(ii)since he is willing to die for you, he will not keep what is his (the $3x) from you.
(iii)what is his is also rightfully yours, by choice, not by law (what is it that Christ has that he would not gladly give you, his church? For example, he is an heir to the throne. You too are a co-heir to that throne. What is His, is also yours)
(iv)there is no longer ‘his’ and ‘yours.’ It ( the $3X+$x) belongs to both. And both decide how to use it for their needs.
If all these seem strange to you, it is. It is because we have been listening to what the world is teaching us about marriage, and not what the Lord is saying. And what the Lord says is not a secret we need to pay a counselor to tell us. It is out there in the open, in the Bible, for anyone who cares to seek. But may also appear strange because most of us really do not want to follow and obey Christ’s commands about marriage. It is so out dated!
So this is what really ought to happen:
- Mr Engineer would say:
(i)“Mrs Engineer, you can give me your $x so that we have a common account or
(ii)you could give me $0.1x, and keep the rest for whatever needs you have ( or some of our needs.)”
Ouch!
Consider this: Christ and his disciples had a common money bag. Did some of that money belong to Christ and some to Peter?
Now, suppose Mrs Engineer gives over her $x. If she trusts Mr Engineer, she need not fear that she will not have her shopping needs met. She will not fear that she has to beg for $ in order to indulge in one or two whims and impulse buys. Same way, since Mr Engineer would do anything for Mrs Engineer, he has no reason to not let Mrs Engineer have access to $x or $2x or ..
Ouch!
(Of course, nothing is cast in stone. For example if it turns out that Mr Engineer loves Mrs Engineer but has a tendency to waste money, and Mrs Engineer is a good money manager, it may be prudent for Mrs. Engineer to manage “her” $x or the family $3X+x. But that is your own choice.)
Conclusion
So given the way things are between you ( that may not be the whole story ), there are two possibilities:
(i)Either Mr Engineer, like most men of today, does not understand the above marriage arrangement as desired by Christ and therefore insists on being in full control or
(ii) he does not agape you enough, as he ought, and therefore sees you in terms of $$ input.
Which is the case? You know that better than anyone else.
Wise but harmless
Open your eyes. Between you and the $3X, he seems to make a big deal of and prefers the $3X (see his defense below). If that were not so, you would not be worried about the $$.
If you already feel your $x is nothing, because “am a mere customer service representative” perhaps your value to him in financial terms is defining the relationship, hence your feeling that way. If that is so, now imagine what would happen to that relationship should you be worth $0.
“I am just..”
Already, you see yourself as a “worm of the earth”, in relation to him. Who are you? Are you born again? What defines you? Does Mr Engineer see you the same way you see yourself? Why do you feel “small”? Does Christ see you in those terms? If Mr Engineer does see you thus, you probably should not be thinking of committing to him. Or do commit, if you know what is coming to you, and are prepared to live with it.
“can an honorable woman of God present this in a non-nagging manner?”
Very difficult. For someone to have the above mindset, (assuming you believe it), is something that he has to have and believe in himself. It is taught by a relationship with Christ. You would be the “teacher” he would listen to least. But if you can, find a third-party who can share these with him.
In his defense:
Since we have not heard his part of the story, we can only speculate. Perhaps if we knew where he is coming from,…
(i)Perhaps he has seen you make a big deal of what modern girls have bought into. Some version of the Women lib thing. Perhaps you treat him the way modern American women treat their men, as prescribed by Women lib “equals” maxim. Of course, men and women are equal. But there is another “equality”, as defined by the Women Lib manuscript, that is a teaching from hell. If you happen to believe that equality stuff, you should not complain. Instead you should be happy you have a man who has seen the “light” towards equality. You cannot have your cake and eat it too.
(ii) Perhaps you are big spender, and by his insisting on that 50/50 arrangement, he seeks to rein in that habit. If that is the case, you should be thankful. Unfortunately, you will still end up “loving” and disliking him at the same time. Why? In your mind, he has all these big buxx and yet he still wants you to spend your meager .5x towards the family affairs. In that case, do you really want to marry him, when the future problems are already so clear before your eyes? What will change 3 years after you marry?
Marriage and money
I know there is a lot of talk about discussing money before marriage.
I say BS. ( No offense to those who believe this.)
Especially more BS if it is motivated by the reason below, which i think it is.
The thought goes something like this: money is one of the biggest sources of marital failure. So fix it before hand, and you will save your marriage.
That suggestion might work in 0.1% of the cases.
But, dealing with the money issue is like treating the symptoms of the disease.
What is the real disease that shows up as money problems later in marriage?
Wrong notions of Love, and the lack thereof.
The wise and the beautiful people of the world tell you “Fall in love, live happy”.
The women’s lib gals tell you “Live as equal partners. Do not subject yourself to the man. Live happy”.
The anything goes, there-is-no-absolute-truth folks tell you “Live without commitment, and there will be no pressure that exists in a marriage ”
But what does the Lord say?
Man, love the woman the same way Christ loves you. Agape the woman.
Woman, respect and honor your man (not necessarily “love” him) as you respect and honor Christ.
Woman, do not commit to a man you are not willing to respect and honor lest you sin against the Lord by disrespecting the man. (of course the word I am avoiding is the O word. The Sunday school song says more that we imagine; “trust and obey, for there is no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey..” )
But we go “That is kinda outdated!” Those ideas are not for the educated and modern men and women. And it all kind of makes the woman less “equal”.
So we reject what the Lord says, and harvest the fruits. And stand in wonder of what just happened.
Get the love angle straight, and your marital problems are reduced by 99%.
Money means power and control.
Power and control. For both parties.
But where there is Christ love, there is serving and giving. There is no desire to control. Money becomes less and less important.
Let us assume we have the love angle all straightened up. The man is born again. The woman is born again. Each is Spirit filled. Can we then now discuss who will have power and control over whom (i.e. money issues) before marriage?
Of course. You may come up with whatever arrangements you wish.
But I assure you that power and control ( money ) will be of less and less importance. It is never about the money. If you really feel it is, then there is a much bigger problem you are not dealing with.
Christ: who is He anyway?
That suggestion above is for those who believe and obey Christ.
But what if both parties care nothing about obeying Christ?
Then, the floor is open for all kinds of wheeling and dealings. I am no authority on such matters, what works and what does not. Every man, every woman should do as they see fit in their own eyes. If Equality in finances works, go for it.
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