Evaluating your relationship
Love is a choice and the actions based on that choice. Relationships take work. People are unpredictable. Crushes fade.
We’ve heard these things many times – almost too many times, for some of us. But how well do we know them? It’s already December. For those who are in relationships, how have you spent your year? It is time to sit down and take stock of our actions and choices and determine what we will carry into the new year by God’s grace, and what things and people we need to seek Him for strength to leave behind.
Relationships can make or break a person. I always say that as spiritual as this battle is, one of the biggest weapons used is people. The people we choose to surround us with can derail us from our destiny and our destination.
Here are a few questions you can ask yourself.
One strand, twisted strand or braided strand?
And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. – Ecclesiastes 4:12.
A different version says, “one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves, but a threefold cord is not easily broken.”
A one-strand relationship is a “me, me, me” situation. Everything is about you. If he is late, do you say “Why does he always do this to me?” or “Lord, keep him safe wherever he is”? When was the last time you called? When was the last time you did something together that he liked or suggested? A one-strand relationship is selfish and self-centred, and much like a single strand of string, it is easy to break. All you have to do is tug lightly – snap!
A twisted- or double-strand relationship is slightly stronger. It’s about the two of you. You are in love. You ‘complete’ each other. Everything seems to be fine. However, all one has to do is find a weak point, and once they do, they can separate the strands and unravel them into two individual single strands. Because things are not founded in Christ, it is easy for you to manipulate each other and make decisions that can ruin you. You’re human, after all. And to every man, there are ways that may seem right, but lead to death.
A braided strand is that threefold cord that is not easily broken. It involves you, your partner and your God. Nobody on this planet can ever love another person healthily unless they love Jesus totally. If you date an unbeliever and end up married, then that – your husband – will be your biggest ministry for the rest of your life. Without God in the equation, you will either try to find sustenance in each other, or you will push each other away. If God is the Glue, then things will stick together as they should. You will never lose sleep thinking about your partner, “for so He giveth His beloved sleep,” Psalm 127:2. You will never have a reason not to live without this person, because “I have come that they might have life, and that more abundantly,” John 10:10. You will never hear or say or even think the words “I hate you,” because a man cannot love God whom he has never seen, and hate his brother whom he sees, 1 John 4:20.
Does this person challenge my walk with God?
Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend. – Proverbs 27:17.
In other words, since you began your relationship, how has your walk with God been affected? If the last day you touched your Bible was the first day of your relationship, then you are treading dangerous ground. Does he bring out the best in you? Do you bring out the best in him? What are your moments together like? Do you come out of them feeling beautiful, refreshed and more in love with Jesus, or do you find yourself playing back snide comments or constantly wondering if you measure up? Are things you disapproved of suddenly okay? You once did not smoke and spoke out vehemently against it – do you now give off a tolerant smile and defend it, giving all manner of excuses? Iron sharpens iron. It cuts wood, and wood can make it blunt.
Do I recognize myself?
I am fearfully and wonderfully made. – Psalm 139:14.
Do you ever wake up in the morning and wonder, “Who stole me?!” Do you feel like you are living the life God desires for you to live? Are you going through the motions with a strange uneasiness hanging over your head? Check it.
Do the relevant people approve?
Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. – Proverbs 15:22.
Yes, some opinions are actually irrelevant. You can’t apply every piece of advice you see on your TV unless you desire to be bulldozed off a cliff.
Does your relationship meet the approval of your parents, mentors, and accountability partners? My mother always says that a woman in love cannot see more than an inch away. People who are not as in love as you are will pick up on things you are likely to miss. Like Pastor Bimbo Odukoya says in her book, How to Choose a Life Partner, they might do it in an unconventional way, but they should be taken seriously all the same. God has blessed parenthood and so He might stir up your parents to see something in your partner that you do not see. You father saying something like, “I don’t like his tribe,” or your friend saying, “I don’t know, I just don’t like him,” could be God shielding you from something (or it could not, it’s up to you to investigate it in your prayer closet). Do not take it too lightly.
Are roles properly established?
But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God. – 1 Corinthians 11:3.
Who is leading this relationship? Do your professional or family lives conflict with your relational roles? I will give an example. Mary is the Senior Vice President within an investment bank. She is in a relationship with Tony, a janitor. Does that mean she should take the lead in the relationship? (Hint, the answer starts with N and ends with O.) Leadership is simple – the man should head the woman. If Mary chased John, asked for a relationship, suggests their dates, pays for everything, and is planning to propose on Valentine’s, then something is very wrong. Regardless of who you are wherever you go, the right order for a married couple is for the man to lead and provide, and it is best if this begins during courtship. If the woman makes more, many suggest she should still be able to submit to him to supervise household expenditure. Roles are becoming increasingly difficult to understand and delegate, with the changing times. That is why we must all be crucified with Christ, so that it is no longer we who live, but Him living through and in us (Galatians 2:20). Forget about doing this on your own. It will not work.
Am I passionate about this?
My beloved is white and ruddy, the chiefest among ten thousand. – Song of Solomon 5:10.
How do you feel about this relationship and this man? It is not about butterflies, gigglies or wobbly knees – do you have peace? If you are courting a pastor or someone who is being groomed for church leadership, you had better be prepared to deal with things like women flocking around him after every service, longing for his audience. You had better be able, like I once said, to enjoy his voice – over and over, sometimes even listen to the same sermon – verbatim, even, at the 9am and 11am and Tuesday night services and at a conference in Baltimore. You should be willing to open your house to guests. If you hope to marry a gynaecologist, then be ready to be joyful about him leaving at 3am when Mrs. Somebody across the state goes into labour. If it is a carpenter, be prepared to do dusty laundry and clean boots. Et cetera.
Where are we going?
Where there is no vision, the people perish. – Proverbs 29:18a.
I hope that as you read this, you are not thinking about a courtship that has been going on for something like eight years. Courtship is simply to evaluate your relationship and see if you can walk the rest of your lives together. It is not a time to discover everything about a person – you will be learning new things about the person even after marriage. But it is a time to pick up on the crucial basics – walk with God, doctrine, temperament, vision, ideologies, philosophies, etc. It is important to be purposeful about this from the beginning so that you can redeem the time. Used well and prayed through, even six months can adequately reveal a person’s character. Is there an end in sight? If not, what are you going to do about it?
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