Dot and Ben

Posted by Yakuti in Archives | | 6 comments

Meet Dorothy and Benjamin, our featured couple for this Christmas issue. Dot is a psychologist and Ben is an auctioneer, but they both have a passion for God and ministry. Find out how they balance that – and many other things – below.

Dorothy:

How did Benjamin propose?

The man set me up! Or I guess I could say that I set myself up! I planned a surprise romantic candlelit dinner for him during one of his long trips down to Baltimore for a visit from New York on the night he was arriving. Unknown to me, he apparently had planned to propose the following day during a dinner date. He says he knew I would suspect what he was up to, and so he took advantage of my very nice set up. So, lo and behold… you can imagine how much farther down he had to kneel to pick up my jaw from where it dropped when he popped the question! Mission accomplished! I did not see it coming.

Did you ever envision yourself married to a mzungu*?

I don’t know if I envisioned myself married, period; at least not in a long time. Guys were just not my thing, and I believed I had my education, career, and ministry to focus on first. God had other plans and a mzungu was part of it. I do know, though, that I was always open to whoever God had in mind for me, especially coming from a family that has inter-married internationally.
*Swahili: “white person”

What is the sweetest thing your husband has ever done for you?

He has loved me unconditionally and continues to do so. God knows I am a work in progress. God will always be my number one, but Ben has loved me more each day despite my imperfections and flaws.

What is the most important piece of advice you would give to a young
woman about to get married?

Let go, and let God! That is the only way. There are many unknowns ahead, but He alone is the all-knowing God. Remember, He loves you enough to know the perfect plan for you and your husband to be.

Has marriage changed you in any way?

Oh! Yes it has. I have learnt a new meaning of the word Joy that is even more Joyous. Jesus first, others second (in this case my Asali* as I call him), then yourself (in this case me). I am happier knowing that by always thinking of him and not just myself in all that I do, we have a higher chance of ending up together on that old swing porch 100+ years to come!
*Swahili: Honey

What can a woman do to get along better with her in-laws?

Don’t develop a defense mechanism from the stigma that has been attached to in-laws over time. Sometimes we do this to ourselves when there is no reason in the first place. First, stop thinking of them as in-laws. Second, remember that out of God’s commandments, love is the greatest of them all. Getting along better shouldn’t be a problem if you can work on your thinking of them as your in-loves instead. Don’t ruin a potentially good relationship before it even begins.

Benjamin:

What do you think is the most attractive thing about Dorothy?

A lot of things. Her spirituality, for one. It touches me to watch her sing and give herself to her Maker in worship. That is actually one of the things that drew me to her when we first met. She was recording an album with one of her friends and her singing struck me as singing that was full of depth; full of passion and soulful. That there, I knew I had to have with me for the rest of my life!

Do you enjoy Kenyan food?

Very much so. I actually ask myself how I grew up without it! That was one less thing Dorothy had to worry about when we got married. I used to, and still do ask her to make me a particular meal that I favor over and over again until she gets sick of it. My excuse is usually that she had it all her life, while I just started my journey! My favorites are pilau, mukimo, (the “green stuff”) as I call it, chapati, and ndengu.* That stuff is prime! Oh! And I love samosas! They are the best. And I love Kenyan tea. I just can’t drink it as much as most kenyan’s do! I personally think they are all addicted to it! What can I say? I love pretty much all Kenyan food! I haven’t come across any food that I don’t quite like.
*Swahili: dengu; lentils/green grams/mung beans

Is there anything you don’t know about Dorothy?

I’m sure there is. But that is why we have a lifetime together to make discoveries. Believe me, everyday, I find out new things about her that I never knew before. When I first met her, I never would have thought in a million years or believed that she had a chizi side to her. Now I know better. But it only makes me love her more.
*Slang/Sheng/Swahili: “crazy”

What was the most helpful piece of advice you were given before you got
married?

Always keep God as the number one in my marriage. He always comes first. The Bible says in Matthew [6:33], “Seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.” So far, in my life and in my marriage this has been so true. We have both been holding on to this and not letting go. The other helpful piece of advice was to love my wife as Christ loved the church; to love her with every fiber of my being without any conditions. She is the love of my life.

Why do you think many women are reluctant to be married today?

There are probably lots of reasons. But from the top of my head, the primary reason in this time and age would be independence. The women of today feel more independent to provide for themselves and feel like they don’t need a man to complete them. That is true to some extent. Only God completes us. The truth of the matter is that God’s mind is not man’s mind. He knew why he designed marriage in the first place.

Would you say that men are hardwired to cheat on their wives?

I don’t believe so. I believe that especially as a true and Holy Spirit filled, upstanding, respectful Christian man, faithfulness should be one of the tools you constantly have in your marriage tool box. A good and successful marriage does not happen miraculously. It takes work for both the man and the woman.

Dot and Ben:

What difficulties have you faced as an interracial* couple? Do you ever experience hostility when you go out in public?

We would be lying if we said no. We have never received open hostility from anyone, but we can always sense or sometimes come face to face with hostile stares from people who are not that open-minded about interracial couples. We like joking about it, that we are so fearfully and wonderfully made and that’s why we attract so much attention from such people! After all, God put us together and saw that it was good.
*There is only one race: human.

Someone once said to me that toilet paper that rolls the wrong way, and toothpaste tubes squeezed in the wrong places are leading causes of divorce. Do you think Christian couples can divorce because the toilet paper rolls inward or outward? How can couples overcome the little irritations of everyday life?

We don’t believe that Christians are the exception from the little irritations of life in general. Yes, Christian couples are also in the crossfire of the enemy when it comes to the little things that break up marriages. You’ve got to exercise the fruit of the Holy Spirit with each other at all times and always remember that it takes three to make a marriage work. God always has to be the number one. He never should take second or third place in your marriage.

Before you got married, did you talk about who would be the disciplinarian in the family? What did you decide and why?

Yes we did. However, we never agreed on who would be the disciplinarian in the family. We needed to get to know each others temperaments first within the marriage, to know who would lean more towards being the disciplinarian. One thing we both agreed on was that we both had to be on the same page and not take sides. There would also be no open disagreements on disciplinary actions in front of the children when they come.

How does ministry affect your marriage?

Since we were both deeply involved in ministry independently before we met and got married, we understand and support each other fully. We are still both actively involved in ministry and continue to serve God together to the fullest capacity that we can with the dynamics that come along with marriage.

How much time do you spend together in prayer?

Every moment of the day or night that we can find time to pray together, we do. This was a trend we set during our dating days. We both agreed that this was a valuable foundation to a great relationship, and it would be the best way to teach our kids the importance of a praying family.

What do you guys feel is the most challenging thing about marriage?

The usual everyday surprises in marriage that are unique to every marriage as you get to know each other. For example, thinking you know your man or woman based on the simple facts of how men and women think and operate. General rules sometimes do not apply to all. We are all unique. But God is always faithful to help us through all our challenges if only we let Him.

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