He wants me to be his second wife

Posted by Yakuti in Archives, Relationships | | 1 comment

Hi Pea,

I met my boyfriend in church, we had a wonderful relationship until I found out he was married. I tried to break up with him but it was so hard, and now he says he wants me to be his second wife. He said there is nowhere in the Bible where it says a man should have one wife, if I can find it I should show it to him. According to him even the wisest man on earth was a polygamist and monogamy is legalistic. I don’t know what to tell this man, I am thinking of moving to a different city and starting over but the thing is, is there a possibility he could be right, are there any verses talking about not having more than one wife? I haven’t found a single verse that specifically talks about one man and one wife, when I showed him 1 Timothy 3:2, he said he is not and does not plan to be a bishop. He gave me a ring when he proposed and I have not taken it out because I am a little bit confused, wouldn’t it be adultery to marry this guy? I don’t really mind having a co-wife but I know many women wouldn’t like it. I guess I’m just looking for that one verse that can dispell my fears and show me for sure what to do.

Thanks

W.

Hi, W.

There are verses that speak about having one wife. It all begins in Genesis, when God set the standard and we are told, Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh (Genesis 2:24). This verse does not speak about or even allude to polygamy.

Marriage is a type/analogy of Christ and the church. In Ephesians 5:22-33 we are told husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church. Jesus has only one Bride, one church. Verse 23 says the husband is the head of the wife [singular], even as Christ is the head of the church. In verse 31, we are told again, For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two [not three or seven] shall be one flesh.

You might say, “they two” could mean the man and each of his wives. But how many times and with how many women can the same man be “one flesh”?

In Deuteronomy 17, when God was giving instructions for the choice of Israelite kings, He commanded that they be monogamous. ¹⁴When thou art come unto the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, and shalt possess it, and shalt dwell therein, and shalt say, I will set a king over me, like as all the nations that are about me; ¹⁵Thou shalt in any wise set him king over thee, whom the LORD thy God shall choose: one from among thy brethren shalt thou set king over thee: thou mayest not set a stranger over thee, which is not thy brother. ¹⁶But he shall not multiply horses to himself, nor cause the people to return to Egypt, to the end that he should multiply horses: forasmuch as the LORD hath said unto you, Ye shall henceforth return no more that way. ¹⁷Neither shall he multiply wives to himself, that his heart turn not away: neither shall he greatly multiply to himself silver and gold.

Lastly, Paul writes, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband (1 Corinthians 7:2).

If you look at the families of polygamous men in the Bible, you can pick up on the chaos that it can cause. No man can love two women equally. Jacob loved Joseph more than his brothers because he was the child of the wife he loved, Rachel. Because of this, Joseph’s brothers were jealous of him. In a way, you can say polygamy contributed to Joseph’s being sold into slavery. His life would have turned out to be very difficult and hopeless if it weren’t for God’s plan.

There’s also strife and competition between/among wives. Remember Hannah and Penninah in 1 Samuel chapter 1? Hannah was barren, but Penninah could bear children. However, Elkanah loved Hannah more. Because of Hannah’s barrenness (and possibly the fact that she was favoured), Penninah “provoked her sore, for to make her to fret, because the LORD had shut up her womb” (1 Samuel 1:6). We are not told that jealousy is the cause, but there is definitely competition and malice here.

Men in the Bible who took multiple wives also made other mistakes. The fact that they were polygamous does not mean God endorses polygamy. For example, Solomon is the wisest man who ever lived. Later in his life he allowed idol worship in Israel. Does that mean it is alright to worship idols? Of course not. We are told about the polygamy of these men just the same way we are told about their other mistakes and achievements. God’s word never hides the failures of His children. It also does not endorse these failures.

Thinking about the verse in 1 Timothy 3:2, I have to say that if a bishop should be the husband of one wife, then faithfulness in marriage/monogamy is something that God esteems, otherwise He would not expect it of those who have official posts in the church.

Many times when we find it difficult to obey God, we try to justify our wrongdoing by terming things as legalistic and judgmental. Monogamy is God’s order and God only commands us to do things that are beneficial to us. He has nothing to gain or lose; it is for our sakes that He sets certain structures in place.

To answer your questions: Yes, there are verses in the Bible that speak against polygamy, and yes, it would be adultery to marry this man.

Check out these similar posts:

1. Ladies, Choose One:a: “I Want a Husband.” b: “I Want to be a Wife.”