Discussing Money Before Marriage
by Paula and Rika
To the average African dating couple, money is like a taboo word that should never be mentioned. The minute you mention it as a woman, you are labelled a gold-digger, especially if you are dating a man of a higher social class than yourself. The average man does not want to discuss his money because he feels the information can be used to trap and control him. Sometimes men feel like they are losing control by committing to a woman and they will then try to cling as much as possible to whatever area they can control. We are making gross generalizations here and we know everyone understands what we are talking about.
However, don’t talk about money and your marriage could be over before it starts. Money is one of the top reasons for the high divorce rates we see today. Couples intending to get married should talk about it if they hope to have a lasting marriage.*
In marriage, the two shall become one (Genesis 2:24). In every area you will be two individuals, but one entity before God. If you are a spender and you marry a thrifty person, you will have to find a way to cohesively live together and make your money work. Now as a married couple, you will not be able to go out and buy expensive shoes on impulse. Every expense will have to be well thought out. The earlier we understand this, the better we will be able to handle our finances.
If you are a single woman and are not in a relationship, if you are hoping to get married one day then you need to be able to read through these questions and make the necessary financial adjustments in preparation for marriage. The virtuous woman does not start being virtuous when she is married, it is a lifelong process.
Money is not something you can talk about on a whim or in any kind of setting if you are to gain from the discussion. It is best for you to find a good time when you are both alert and relaxed. When you tell a man, “We need to talk,” you can cause him to shut down so instead of this approach, try to bring the subject up gently and tactfully. You can volunteer a financial opinion. for example. or relate an experience you have had recently. If you are ready to talk about money then it means you are probably at a stage where you know the man well enough to judge when would be a good time to bring up the money issue.
Ten things you can discuss are:
1. What is your net worth as a couple?
Marie says, “I can’t dare to ask him how much he makes! How can I just ask it so bluntly? I think I will wait for him to offer me the information when the time is right.”
This is the hardest question to ask, but it is the most important and should be asked clearly and within good time. It’s hard enough for most people to talk about their own finances so it’s very difficult to bring this up to another person. Being open about how much you both earn by salary, extra jobs, part-time or full-time, and how much is saved up is very important. You will inherit each other’s financial issues so it is better to go into things with your eyes wide open.
2. Are you in debt?
If one of you is or both of you are in debt, how much is owed? Pray about it and come up with a plan to pay off your debt. Make sacrifices while you are still courting. If you have sacrificed things like sexual activity, you can sacrifice other things. You can go without the internet for example and make use of public facilities. Taking the bus or walking instead of driving. Living in a smaller premises or not eating out so often – there are many ways to go about it. If you have credit cards, pay them off.
3. What kind of “financial upbringing” have you had?
What have your parents taught you about money, from their words and actions? Believe it or not, these things influence us into our adulthood. If someone grew up always having what they wanted, it might be harder for them to save, causing them to appear careless and extravagant and someone who grew up on a tight shoestring budget will find it harder to spend thereby appearing like they don’t care. Do you want to go Dutch or will your man still treat you to the lavish and expensive dinners you had when courting (if you had them)? Discuss who did the shopping when you were growing up, who paid the bills, and what you expect to encounter in marriage. Talk about the pros and cons of having joint accounts and decide what your choice will be.
4. What is your idea of saving?
Talk about this. Prudence is foresight. Life can bring with it unexpected emergencies. To some people, saving is getting $99 shoes for $49, three times in a row. To some, saving is actually putting money aside for a rainy day. Discuss what your backgrounds have taught you about this and how you can alter your perceptions and lifestyles to promote the kind of life you wish to live. Create a saving plan.
5. Can you support/be supported by someone?
Many men want housewives; many don’t. Many women want to live at home; many don’t. What are your thoughts in this area? What is God saying to each of you (and remember God is one, so where He speaks, it will be clear and united). If you want to be a stay-at-home mother, is your husband willing to support you? If he wants you to stay at home, are you willing to be supported or will you feel like this takes away from your identity? The Biblical mandate, though it is debated senselessly, is for a woman’s first priority to be her home, husband and children, and then her career. Therefore if a woman has a career, it is a tool and a means to an end. Talk and pray about this, being honest with each other, and come to a unified conclusion before marriage takes place.
6. Thoughts on who earns more money.
Is the man willing to have a wife who earns more money than he does, and will this change the order of spending in the home? If the woman suddenly gets a job that pays more, does she get to take on more responsibilities in the home? Discuss your definitions of the word “breadwinner” and find scriptural examples to guide you.
7. Giving to God.
Talk about your thoughts on Biblical recommendations for money. Discuss tithes, offerings, charity, investing, credit/debt, and supporting the extended family.
8. Children.
How many children do you want, and how many children can you realistically plan for? How do you plan to raise them, financially speaking? The Bible speaks of midwives, but never nannies. Talk about things like education or college funds, and who will take care of their clothing. Talk about how the finances will be affected while the mother remains at home to raise the child. It is considerate to think of your children before they come so that their upbringing can be as hassle-free as possible. It is hard enough to raise children. The Bible says fathers should not provoke their children to anger (Ephesians 6); one way of doing this is by bringing them into a chaotic family life.
9. Career plans.
Discuss your current jobs and your hopes for the future. Talk about hopes for retirement, promotions, prospective business ventures and come up with a plan or system for these things.
10.Living expenses.
Discuss the kind of area you wish to live in, the schools you want your children to go to, how much travel you will do, how many workers you will hire and even things like the number of cars you wish to own and how they will be paid for. Will you buy, build, or rent? Will you rent first while you build? This is something many couples may overlook, only to explode when one person wants a lavish lifestyle and the other is contented to live in moderate conditions. Create a budget.
Additional Thoughts:
- As you talk about these things, also ask yourselves what kind of wedding you wish to have. Your wedding can go a long way to make or break your financial footing. Wisely think about if you want “a wedding to remember” or “a marriage to emulate.” This will help you decide if it makes more sense to have a huge, expensive, international event or a simple one whose basic intention is to honour God and seek His blessing. The happiest day of your life does not have to be the most-expensive.
- In many African countries, widows are mistreated by their in-laws. While we do not wish for anyone to be widowed, God knows His plans and so it is best for a man to again, with foresight, have a plan for his wife and children’s upkeep should he be called home.
- Continue to discuss these issues after marriage. Review your budget and see if it is realistic; modify it as you grow as a couple. Be determined to communicate about your marriage. Things don’t always go as we expect them to be, but as always, it is better to be prepared than unprepared.
*Couples not intending to get married should not be couples in the first place!!
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