Very inspirational I must say.

Do all men a favour and write an article to tell your sisters, “ten ways to stop nagging.” I know by now it is no secret that we – guys read this magazine. I am engaged to a great woman of God but there is one thing that makes me some times doubt if I want to marry her – HER NAGGING IS IRRITATING. If you want to hear a high piched scream from a man with a deep voice. Nag him. I question my decision to make her my wife every time it starts. I would rather honestly sit on a cactus under a hot desert sun with fleas on my skin and jiggers than live with that every day. Please girls it might be a leisure activity for you but we don’t like it. No woman can be happily married or have a happy friendship if she is a nag. I find myself looking for houses with flat roofs just so I can have a special runaway corner up there because the Bible tells me its better!

MWANGI.

Hi, Mwangi.

I’m glad to learn that this website has blessed you in some way. I cannot argue with your mail because the Bible does speak against nagging and contentious women (Proverbs 21:9, 21:19, 25:24, 27:15. I appreciate your thoughts and will do my best to do as you have asked. (Have you tried sharing your concerns with her?) Many of the things I share are taken from different Christians – married and single, male and female.

Ladies, there we have it – a real life example of “it is better to live in the wilderness than with a contentious woman.” I read this question and had no idea where to begin because for starters, I was not sure I fully understood what nagging is. Some people feel nagged when you ask how their day was.  It turns out I have done it a few times, and so I am glad I received this question and had the opportunity to examine my heart. Nagging does not only happen with married people or between people of different genders. It can happen between siblings, friends, parents and children, and bosses and subordinates. According to a few web definitions, to nag is:

-       to bother persistently with trivial complaints.

-       to constantly and annoyingly find fault with others.

-       to remind or urge constantly.

That could be why the Bible compares it to a tap going drip, drip, drip… endless, continuous, persistent, annoying.

Here are a few ways for us ladies to stop nagging, gathered from different reliable sources:

State it when you spot it (Ephesians 4:26).

“She was silent about it for months and months, and one day she just exploded!” Jim says, and he and his wife both laugh at the memory.

Lesson: If you ignore something nine times and then snap the tenth time, it will look sudden and strange to the other party. If someone does something that you do not agree with, state it immediately – politely. The first time something happens, it’s not so annoying and so it will be easier to be pleasant about it. Gently and respectfully but firmly state your view and your reasons behind it. A stitch in time saves nine.

Praise when it’s proper (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

“I just love the gleeful look on my wife’s face when she thanks me for something I have done for her,” Tony says, and I can hear his joy across the oceans.

Lesson: Don’t only notice when things go wrong. Compliment people for the good things they do. Celebrate their gifts and abilities. He might not have called when he was supposed to, but every day in December, he drove to your house early and shoveled the snow off your car in the morning (aren’t you glad it’s summer?). Thank him for the nice things he does and celebrate him for who he is. Maybe he’s not like his friends who are all macho and muscular and know their way around a toolbox. He still has gifts that are unique to him and should be appreciated when they are applied.

Season with salt, don’t coat with sugar (Ephesians 3:20).

Ed says, “I can’t stand it when my fiancée talks to me like she’s talking to a two-year old. I’m sure the two-year-old baby can’t stand it either! Why do they have to screech and speak in high voices when making requests? It’s annoying.”

Lesson: People notice it when you are not being genuine. “Sweetie” should not be a prefix for huge requests. And the truth might hurt now, but in the long run, it leads to freedom. The Bible tells us to let our speech be with grace (Ephesians 3:20). It is possible to make requests without treating the other person as inferior. And grace sometimes provides us with the strength to overlook the things that are not important. You just might come to love the knuckle-cracking. Better still, you might not even notice it after a while.

Take his word for it (Matthew 7:12).

Jeremy says, “Trust us!”

Lesson: If he says he did something and you have no evidence to the contrary, just believe him. Why be in a relationship if you don’t trust each other? Men (and even women!) generally don’t like being interrogated for simple things. If he tells you where he was, why he did what he did, what his reasons are, then as tempting as it may be to question him, hold your tongue, and don’t say “But…!” – at least not until you have prayed and had some time to think about it.

Specific beats vague (Matthew 7:7a).

They say men and women communicate on different levels most of the time. I agree. Men, God bless them, just don’t get some things, and that’s okay. One woman gave an example at church. “When I was a newlywed and I wanted my husband to take the laundry up the stairs, I would leave the basket at the bottom of the stairs. He would walk over it, go up the stairs, get what he needed, go back down the stairs, hop over it again, do this several times in one afternoon, and not notice the load of freshly-done laundry. When I screamed at him in disbelief, he would wonder if I was PMSing. I later learnt that to get him to take the laundry up the stairs, I had to say, ‘Honey? I have left a load of freshly done laundry at the foot of the stairs. Please take it upstairs for me.’”

Sometimes you have to give it to them in steps. “Do the dishes” can be too vague for some.  It is very likely that you’ll have to add “Put them on the rack” and “Dry them and stack them in the cupboards.”

Maria says, “Don’t say, ‘please do this if you have time.’ Just say, ‘please do this.’ That way, it is unlikely that you will ask twice. Asking more than once is nagging.”

“Sticky notes do it for me,” Judy says. “I can’t stand steam on the bathroom mirrors, so I got a Sharpie and wrote in red: ‘Wipe me!’. It worked. I took the idea and ran with it. Drawers had, ‘Please close me when you’re done.’ I didn’t want to yell, and the notes worked wonderfully, especially the funny ones where I would say something like, ‘Judy does not like it when you leave me open.’ After a while, I didn’t need them anymore.”

Do what needs to be done (Proverbs 6:6).

Mabirizi says: “Just do it. For most things when you think about it, it’s not a big deal and not worth a fight. I would make certain requests while sitting on the couch doing nothing and I was not even pregnant. One day I realized I could do them myself!”

If something is in the wrong place, put it where it needs to be without trying to make him feel like he has subjected you to slave labour. Esteeming others better than ourselves literally means not looking down on them.

Don’t give it a time limit (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8).

“I never did understand the rush!” Jim says. “Must it be done today now now? Will it rain bananas if it’s not? Help me understand?”

Lesson: “But I told you to do it yesterday!” or “Why didn’t you do it yesterday like I asked?” is going to provoke a defensive response. Why not try, “When do you think you’ll be able to do abcd…?” Because if you really think about it… what’s the rush?

Don’t do it over (Again, Matthew 7:12).

“I almost threw a fit when my wife angrily redid the dishes right after I’d done them!” Kibet shares, as his wife nods in agreement.

So he didn’t get it 100% right; maybe the dishes in the dishwasher are not exactly as you would like them to be. Well, he got it done, didn’t he? Don’t angrily open the dishwasher and begin banging plates around as a way of hinting that he did not do  things the exact way you wanted them. Be thankful that the dishes are done and compliment him for it.

Be respectful (Philippians 2:3).

“What I read from constant nagging is I’m not good enough,” Bob says. “Just ask nicely. While there is always room for improvement, a man needs to know  that his weaknesses are accepted and he needs to feel like he is treated like an adult.”

Evans agrees. “Don’t roll your eyes at me like I’m some high school jerk. Let’s communicate like two adults.” And then, almost yelling, he says, “And please don’t do it in public!”

While we’re at it, I think I should add that it’s disrespectful to publicly contradict the man you hope to get married to, especially over trivial and inconsequential issues, and especially in front of people he looks up to or people who look up to him, and especially if you’re doing it just to look smart.

Mwangi, how did I do? Those are less than ten, but I believe it’s a good start. I hope we can all learn from and apply these tips.

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