How Should Couples Fight?
Dear Pea.
I disagree with you saying you’re a quack. I watched you at a conference in 2008 and was impressed, picked up a Yakuti brochure and have been visiting the site since. My understanding is that you are a professor of Communication but you seem so young. God bless for your work on this magazine. I am curious about something that is in I think your forte: How can couples fight in a way that is beneficial to them? You know those issues that can really cause painful wounds, how do we go about them? Is it bad to fight? I happen to have a very bad temper and have hurt my boyfriend many times when I have been angry. Then after cooling down I think about it and wish I never said some things, and I don’t know how to go about apologizing because I feel he is tired of me doing things and then apologizing. So since people say fighting is healthy, how can we do it without causing so much pain if possible??
Thank you,
Stephanie
Dear Stephanie,
Thank you for your question!
At the conference I think you are talking about, my name tag was accidentally labeled “Professor” instead of “Student.” I’m not a professor of communication (yet!), still working on it, but yes, conflict is an issue that is covered at length in Personal and Professional Communication which is what I majored in. It’s a huge topic and cannot be covered in detail in one or maybe even many answers, but I will do my best to tackle the important parts. Thank you for the blessing and Amen to that. Thanks as well for being a faithful visitor.
Alright. I can already predict that this is going to be a long one, so buckle up and let’s do this.
Although “fighting” and “conflict” are used interchangeably, I have thought about it and concluded that there is a slight difference. Fighting is always used to depict hostility, aggressiveness, force, competition and contention and is therefore unhealthy when exercised against a human being. Conflict, often used as a synonym, has in it a tone of disagreement and differences. Israel fought against the Philistines. If a patch from a new garment is used to fix an old garment, “the piece that was taken out of the new agreeth not with the old” (Luke 5:36). The latter statement shows conflict but not a fight.
Let me elaborate a little more and bring it out the way I see it. A fight is two forces attacking each other with each force making the effort to defend what it perceives as right or as a right. A conflict is an inability to flow or work together that may or may not lead to two forces attacking each other.
So yes, in relationships, it is bad to fight. Ideally, no human being should ever occupy himself or herself with fighting another. This battle is spiritual; two or more individuals fighting the good fight together is a good thing, but two human beings attacking each other does no good.
Conflict, well-managed, is healthy. I like to say that there are two conditions in which a person’s true character, motives and expectations are revealed. The first is when a person is drunk. The second is when a person is angry. Someone recently added a third to my list – when a person is broke. Drunkenness is sin and should not be deliberately induced just to test a person. Conflict is therefore necessary in relationships because it reveals character and if you have had a relationship where you have never disagreed on anything, then either there is some buried hurt that will explode one day, or someone is lying. We are human and we are diverse and unique – no two people will agree on every single thing all of the time, no matter how alike their personalities may be.
Conflict enables you to see if your relationship can work. Many times, it is a destroyer; many times, it is a builder. It is up to two courting individuals to decide what effect their conflict will have on them.
I fully understand what you mean about reacting to something and regretting it afterward. While I studied this issue, I found it hard to believe that anyone could apply the tips provided to manage conflict. I interrupted one lecture to ask my professor if this was realistic. When people get mad, they don’t want to hear about taking a deep breath and counting to ten, or managing conflict in however many steps. Their emotions take over. My question was, what could be done to take the state of anger from a 100 to a 0.5 or less? My professor could not answer my question, but God did:
The key, Stephanie, is to do your best to keep from getting to that point of volatility where your emotions are in control and everything you say is hurtful to the people around you. How do you do that? Here are a few simple steps to begin with:
a) Ask God to remove the capacity for resentment and hostility from your heart. Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord (Romans 12:19). It feels nice to resent people for things they have done, but is this really beneficial? Hostility actually causes heart-attacks, did you know that? There are some things, such as trials, that God gives us the grace to overcome. There are other things I believe He wants to completely remove from us and His grace is sufficient to do that.
b) Next, understand this: There are two kinds of people who hurt others. The first is a hurting person. Many times, rather than deal with their issues, it’s easier (never right!) for people to take out their offenses on those around them. I have heard many pastors say, “A hurting person will hurt somebody else.” But from my observation, that’s not the only situation in which people are hurt. There is another kind of person that will hurt others: an innocently oblivious person. Sometimes, due to culture and other such factors, a person has no idea they are offending others. For example, Ugandans generally consider Kenyans rude and uncouth. Ghanaians call Nigerians rude and uncouth. The British call Americans rude and uncouth. Southerners call New Yorkers hostile and unapproachable. But the underlying issue is basically a difference in lifestyles.
When God takes away bitterness and resentment and hostility from your heart, you will not continually be looking for reasons that a person may be out to get you. The moment someone snaps, you will NOW be able to stop, step back, say a quick prayer, count to ten, and ask yourself what it’s about. Your vision will be clarified. Did he mean to offend you, or does he consider it a joke or even normal? Did he just have a bad day? Maybe it’s not even about you. Maybe they are hurting because of something you did or some other external factor beyond your control. Sometimes it is okay to show your concern and ask, “Did I say something to offend you?” But sometimes, it is better to give it time and let the person cool down before bringing it up.
Sometimes, in that “stepping-back moment” like I call it, the person will have time to think about what they just said, and apologize for it. “I’m sorry I said that,” they might say, and then explain, “I’m really tired and I feel frustrated and misunderstood.”
Alright? That’s simple enough; definitely not easy but very doable. I am blessed by the fact that God has already answered our life questions in His Word. 
What I would say is do not run away from the conflict; do not quietly resent your boyfriend and vindictively try to pay him back for what he has done to hurt you; and remember that God is to be honoured above all.
Let me now share a few practical “classroom” or “talk-show” methods to help you manage conflict:
1. Remember that the relationship is more important than the issue (James 4:1-2). It’s alright to want to blow up the fact that someone was late for a date for the umpteenth time, but when perceptions are properly aligned, where does this issue lie? What does it reveal about the relationship? What does it communicate about individual characters? So this person was late; does that mean the courtship is over and there is no hope for marriage? Have you prayed about everything?
2. Listen, listen, listen. James 1:9: Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.
Don’t pick out just the words that you are looking for.
Here’s an example.
Him: I just felt like it was a little foolish of you to do that.
You: Ohh! Alright! So now I’m foolish, huh!!!
No, he is not saying you are foolish; he is simply saying that as would be normal for every human being, you experienced a moment of foolish action.
3. Love at all times. A friend loveth at all times (Proverbs 17:17). Communicate using language that is a blessing to the other party. Season your speech with grace and with salt (don’t coat it with sugar) – Colossians 4:6. Even during periods of no conflict, try to cultivate the relationship to make the person free to express themselves and feel like they are in a safe environment. Try not to be accusatory or defensive.
Example.
You: Seriously, can’t you keep time? Is that too much to ask? Why are you always late?
Him: Excuse me – you need to back off, okay? Can’t you ever be pleased?
Attack has bred attack. He can pour water on the fire by saying, “I’m really sorry I kept you waiting. Please forgive me. I know you like it when I keep time.” But there will be no fire at all if you decide to let it go, or if you choose your time wisely and bring it up at a more appropriate time. Another thing to keep in mind is, do not go out of your way to belittle or embarrass your boyfriend. Sometimes we react by revenge and this is not good. Appreciate him for even listening to you and be thankful when your point is understood. Try and understand his point of view also.
4. Set a date: To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1).
When you are angry, irritated, tired, frustrated, bored, you cannot communicate effectively. You won’t be a good listener. Conflict does not have to be sorted out right there and then. Forgive the person, and if it is something that will affect your relationship or your future, set it aside for a later time. Some people like to digest stuff and revisit it. Sometimes it is unwise to try and solve a situation in the heat of the moment. You can say, “I’m too angry to talk about this now.” Or, at a later date, you can make an appointment and say, “[Name], is it alright if we sit down and talk?” If it’s not alright at that moment, schedule a time when you will both discuss the issue. Make an appointment to sort out your conflict, and follow through with this appointment to avoid burying the issue only for it to be watered and spring up stronger at a later date.
5. Watch for the speck and log (Matthew 7:3). Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with you, why are you always late? Can’t you keep time?” you can be introspective and honestly say, “I don’t know if I’m overreacting but I really feel hurt when you don’t show up to our dates on time.”
6. Think ahead! Like you say, sometimes you react and then you regret it later. If you continue praying, God will remind you that you should not react in a mean way. One of my favourite verses says, A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself, but the simple pass on, and are punished (Proverbs 22:3, 27:12).
7. Truth vs Perceived Truth. And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free (John 8:32). Check your perceptions. Conflict can exaggerate things and make them appear much bigger than they are. This is especially important in written communication. Ask for clarification where you are not clear. Example:
You: You never have time for me! I went out of my way to be here for you, you didn’t pay attention to me and now you’re leaving after five minutes! How can you expect me not to react?
Him: Does it really appear that I have no time for you? Are you bothered by the fact that I seem to be leaving so soon? Do you feel that I should set more time aside for you?
If this happens, then you will feel that he is actually concerned about your concerns. The questions will enable you to open up and yes, you might even end up crying, but at the end of it, a solution is closer than the horizon.
8. When in doubt, apologize. Moreover he kissed all his brethren, and wept upon them: and after that his brethren talked with him (Genesis 45:15). I learnt this from someone very close to me. Sometimes she will call me or come to me and say, “I’m really sorry if I offended you when I did/said/acted like I thought…” etc. Many times I will say, “What? I wasn’t even offended!” But sometimes, she will refer to something about which I had been offended but chose not to say anything just to avoid a confrontation. The apology instantly removes tension, cuts off bitterness and potential feuds at the root, and even where it is not needed, draws us closer and binds us together with chords of love in Jesus.
9. Lastly, remember that We Win. And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony (Revelation 12:11a). If you have this attitude, your relationship will be better for it. Conflict will be seen as a strengthening test instead of an unforeseen and deep-rooted vendetta. You will do your best to understand each other. If you both exercise love, then each of you will want the best for the other and that way, the only way to go will be forward.
I want to thank you again for your question; I pray that this answer has been of some help.
Shalom and God bless you too!
P
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