Too Accomplished to Scrub Floors

Posted by Yakuti in Archives, Relationships | | 1 comment

Whew whew whew whew. Pea!

I got engaged a month ago to a man I had been seeing for 4 years. He is my prince in shining armour, believe me it is literal because he wears very shiny things. Now, we have a problem. He wants me to be a housewife. A housewife! He has a well-paying job and it is guaranteed to pay our bills and spoil me comfortably lol but the thing is… is this wise? He said its not Biblical for me to work, that the noble woman of proverbs 31 does not mention her degree and her level of education! I am an accomplished woman, an advocate, soon they will be calling me doctor, believe me even if I wanted to sit at home with all this education my clan would demand that I pay back the money that was wasted in school fees! I am not the kind of person to be stuck at home scrubbing floors and cooking and receiving visitors from his village what can I do because this is really causing fights for us and it seems none of us is ever going to budge. How can we compromise if there is even a way to compromise? Can you imagine he is even calling me a feminist.

Suzanne

Suzanne,

Thanks for your question, and thanks for allowing me to share it with others.

First of all, congratulations on your engagement. It’s always fun when we meet people who make these sayings come alive in interesting ways, isn’t it? Good to know you have a prince in shining… um,  attire.

You seem to care deeply about this man, but at the same time I can tell that this issue is frustrating for you. There are so many questions that come to mind when I read your question. What are the reasons behind your fiancé’s desire? Is he afraid your commitment to your job will bear negatively on family commitments, for example, or does his request stem from insecurities?  Has he perhaps seen something that he is concerned about? What kind of job does he have; what guarantees are there that he will keep it, and what  to do if, as with all securities of a worldly nature, these guarantees not follow through? How much easier will the financial load be if you work? How much money does a family really need (1 Timothy 6:8)? Have you asked yourselves these questions? Why do you say “housewife” like it’s a bad thing?

I want to say that I am not against you having a job, and I am not against you being a housewife because both are noble sacrifices. Both have their joys and trials.

Suzanne, allow me to point out some discrepancies in your fiancé’s claims about the noble woman (aka virtuous woman, virtuous wife, wife of noble character, excellent wife, truly good wife, etc). The passage in Proverbs 31 actually refutes the picture I believe one or both of you may have in mind. The Bible says the virtuous woman seeketh wool and flax (vs 13). Of course wool and flax do not grow in her living-room, and if she had plenty in her back-yard, there would be no need to “seek.” She riseth while it is yet night (vs 15). Why would she wake up early if she did not have anything to do all day?

The Bible does not say, “she considers a field, and her husband buys it for her,” or “her husband considers a field, and buys it for her.” It would be perfectly okay if it did but instead, it says, she considers a field and buys it. Of course, on a daily basis, she will consider an onion or some Samona jelly or a pair of socks for her children and buy these, but the idea here is that that aside from what her husband may give her, the virtuous woman has an income that covers her personal needs and leaves enough for her to invest in something big (vs 16). It is a field, not a patch of grass.

She is an astute businesswoman who knows how to deal with the high-and-mighty (vs 24). I am not saying every woman should start a business or leave her house every morning for a cotton plantation to find flax. I am not even saying every woman should buy land. All these things simply point to a hardworking, prudent woman who is good at what she does.

But what does it say after all this? SHE LOOKETH WELL TO THE WAYS OF HER HOUSEHOLD and refuses to be idle (vs 27). In other words, whatever activities she gets up to, she does not neglect her family. Her business accomplishments, her education, whatever she has is not an end in itself, but it is a means to an end – a means to the greatest calling in her life which is to be a wife and mother. Just in case you didn’t notice, the first thing the passage says, right after describing her worth, is that the heart of a virtuous woman’s husband safely trusts in her.

Suzanne, you say you are an “accomplished woman,” and this is wonderful and commendable, but from experience, I would humbly urge you to be very careful that the privileges God has given you do not become a source of pride because they can be gone before you know it. Humble yourself if you want to become great. Enlarge yourself if you want to be humbled. I know many women who have neglected their husbands and children in pursuit of that title, “Doctor” – these have God to answer to. God will never share His glory with anyone’s accomplishments. For your children to arise up and call you blessed, and for your husband to compliment you above all women, they have to have spent enough time with you to know the person you are.

Being a housewife is not just about scrubbing floors and cooking and receiving visitors from the village. Once, a man complained to me about his lazy wife who just sat at home all day and did not want to work. She had quit her teaching job and decided to dedicate her efforts to her home. I dared him to switch places with her for a day and see if he could handle it. He took my dare a notch higher and said he would go three days – Friday to Sunday – and she did not even have to be there to watch. Because his wife had no job, we decided that he would treat her. He gave her money to check into a hotel and enjoy herself. I chuckled and told his wife to keep her phone on. On Thursday night, after tucking the children in, she left for the hotel.

He called her on Friday at 2pm, begging her to return home. Not only did he terribly miss her; but he had burnt the breakfast after his children refused to take just bread and tea, forgotten to give one child his medicine, had a teacher call him for incomplete homework, piled dishes in the sink, and been utterly confused about what to prepare for lunch. His pride had taken a beating and he was starving. It was only then that he truly appreciated his wife and even began to help her around the house.

Homemakers are managers. They turn houses into homes. They nurse the young men that slay giants and the young women that become queens. That man sitting in his office has the strength to keep working because he has his wonderfully made home and wonderful, home-making wife to look forward to at the end of the work day. However, a husband is called to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Where there is love, there is freedom because love hopes, believes, bears and endures and love does not seek its own agenda first. Your fiancé should at the very least allow you to pray about this and seek God on your own. Marriage is not about losing your direction and crushing your hopes, instead it should be about both of you growing together to your full potential as one in Christ. Whatever you choose to do, God’s take should be given priority over a man’s insecurities or a woman’s accomplishments.

“Not budging” is an indication of pride and the Bible tells us that this pride is the main source of contention (Proverbs 13:10). This work issue can be a source of big problems in your marriage because if you don’t sort it out now, every disagreement will dig it up. Think carefully about it, talk to your prince in shining attire , sort it out if need be with counselling, and when you make your decision, be sure that you are sure because once you say “I do,” you are accountable before God to be submitted to your husband. After this point, if anything happens where you are both unwilling to budge, then by default, you will have to be the one to yield your stance (Colossians 3:8 and no, this is not just for the Colossian church nor is it being taken out of context in this article).

Titus 2:3-4 tell us that women should “… be sober, love their husbands… love their children, be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.” Proverbs 14:1 tells us that “a wise woman builds her house but the foolish plucks it down with her hands.”

A prudent man sees evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished (Proverbs 22:3 and 27:12). Have you asked each other what happens if your husband loses his job and you have none? Are you both willing to sit down, count the cost of each choice and each compromise? If it turns out that his reasons are legitimate and do not come from unplumbed depths of insecurity and fear, can you both come to a win-win decision? What if you worked less hours? What will you do about the clan and school-fees conundrum if God tells you to be a housewife?

Having a job is not evil. Being a housewife is not evil. There is no verse in the Bible that specifically says women should not be housewives, but we see from Titus 2 and Proverbs 14 and 30 that after God, every woman’s priority is her family and her family is her priority. If you end up in a position that seems like you are between a rock and a hard place, try to make the choice that will benefit you eternally. In many ways, your academic achievements have been given to you for a reason and can contribute to the kingdom in some way but at the end of the day, it will not really matter how much time and money was spent on accomplishments. It would be very sad if you refused to get married to the man God has for you and a possible bright future simply because you see yourself as above “scrubbing floors, cooking and receiving visitors from his village.” It would be equally sad for him to lose a wife because he cannot encourage her in her accomplishments. The key here is for both of you to examine your motives. God not only searches hearts, He also changes them.

Because this is not something the Bible gets specific about, it falls into the Romans 14 category – where we rely on God to direct us in wisdom, check if we are fully persuaded, and refuse to be condemned by the decision we make.

Whatsoever is not of faith is sin (Romans 14:23). In other words, if you’re going to beat yourself up about something while you do it, don’t do it.

I wish you all the best; do keep me updated!

P

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