Hi, good article and it makes me think about my own friends, I have one friend, she is single and I know she doesn’t want to be it took a while for me to convince her to let me know she doesn’t like it… I also have another friend who is a great guy and exactly her type…. I was afraid to do anything because I thought hey matchmaking is strictly God’s turf but I see he can do something through people, matchmaking included……but now from the angle of the matchmaker how do i go about it??
Thanks – Barbara

Hey Barbara!

Thanks for your question.

I’ve never been in your shoes but I can imagine being so certain two people are right for each other. I have heard and read so many stories of matchmaking gone wrong and so it’s great that this question opens up a way for us to discuss the issue.

For most people, this is the general idea:

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Every time Lily finds Daisy online, she tries to divert their chat into a whining session about how lonely she is, how she has not been in a relationship her whole life, and how boring her life is quickly becoming. Daisy is tired of it all. She has two options; change her stealth settings and let Lily become one of her “appear permanently invisible to” friends, or hook Lily up with a man. Thankfully, this morning, Daisy ran into her very good and also very single friend Mike on her way to work and the lightbulb went off – he would be perfect for Lily! Well… not really, but she needs to do something to rid herself of Lily’s constant whining.

So one day, over coffee with Mike, Daisy mentions her friend Lily at every available opportunity. “Oh wow, I put too much sugar in my coffee, Lily’s habits have rubbed off on me!” And, “Wow, you know, what you just said reminds me of my friend Lily!” Or, “Whoa… I wish Lily were here to see that… let me send her a text…”

Soon, Mike begins to get curious about Lily. “How come you’ve never mentioned this Lily person that you seem to love so much?” he asks.

Daisy instantly grabs the chance to launch into details about what a wonderful person Lily is. She exaggerates some details and leaves out others, giving Mike the impression that Lily is this spiritual, saintly, demon-busting, epistle-writing, sermon-preaching, youth-mentoring, church-choir-singing prayer-warrior who was born speaking in tongues with a halo over her head and the scent of incense and myrrh around her, and yet at the same time is a fun-loving, interesting, comical, witty, beautiful, intelligent, nurturing, charismatic lady that Mike just would not want to live without.

Daisy may or may not do the same thing to Lily, but at some point, she picks Lily up for a party she knows Mike will attend (and ensures Lily is wearing that beautiful outfit), then makes them “run into” each other. Because Daisy wields some clout at this party, she will initiate games that ensure they have some form of lengthy physical contact (and if they don’t, she’ll pretend to be walking hastily by and elbow Lily so hard that she bumps, arms flailing, into Mike). Finally, Daisy will take lots of photos of them looking good together. Why not capture these memorable party moments? She will make a point of sharing the photos with both of them, and if they don’t get it, she will say, “Aww, you guys look so cuuuuute together!”  If that doesn’t work, Daisy will tell them, “I had a vision of the two of you exchanging wedding rings. This must be of God.”

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Well, Barbara, I hope this is nothing like what you would hope to do to your friend. Everything I say below can be summarized in a basic principle so if you want to avoid lengthy reading, here it is: All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets (Matthew 7:12).

Let me break it down:

• First of all, as with all things, please begin with prayer. Essentially, this is God’s turf, like you have said. But you’re right – God often uses people. God using us to do something does not mean we should stop praying. Commit thy works unto the LORD, and thy thoughts shall be established (Proverbs 16:3). God, who knows the hearts of men, is the Guide you need to consult in your matchmaking venture. In reality, you are just a vessel to introduce the two. God is the one that stokes the flame and keeps it where it should be.

• Next, please don’t try to match two people up unless you know them both very well. Have your references and do whatever research is needed. Prayer will be a big help with this; remember the man Samuel anointed as king was probably the last person he would have expected the Lord to choose (see 1 Kings chapter 16). The LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart (vs 7). Marriage is no joke, and you don’t want to play with people’s lives and hearts.

• Don’t try to match two people unless you can honestly say you think something will work out between them. No-brainer: You don’t want to hook up a believer with a non-believer. You also don’t want people to be uncomfortable around each other. For example, a woman who must attend an active and adventurous social event every week would be easily bored by, and might even intimidate, a man who prefers to spend his time in a quiet environment.

• You might not want to let these people know you are trying to matchmake. It often spoils things, raising expectations. One party may want to rush things or will be excited by the prospect of courtship. Don’t explicitly spell out the fact that you are matchmaking, but don’t lie and deny it if you are asked about it.

• Don’t place the two people in an awkward situation the first time they meet. Group, group, group, group is the way to go. You don’t want them to feel obligated to like each other. Attraction often plays a role and may not be present. Being there during the first meeting (maybe a few afterwards, but not every single time they meet) might help. Don’t ask questions like, “So, Mary! Don’t you think John is handsome?” with three cheeky winks afterwards. Or, “John, let’s say by some remote chance you ended up marrying my very beautiful friend Mary, how many children do you think you would have?” Do NOT go there. Keep it general.

• Don’t try to dominate the relationship.

(a)   Do only what’s necessary – and that’s often just an introduction. Don’t chart the course of their relationship for them or expect it to go like yours is going – even if you were matchmade.

(b)   Don’t give yourself credit for more than you have done because you are only a vessel. And because quite frankly, people will find it boring.

(c)   Show concern – “How are you? How is he/she?” – but don’t be nosy; know your limits. Unless the person has given you “accountability rights” or has started a topic, don’t ask more than general questions. 1 Thessalonians 4:11 tells us to study (ie, learn, or make it a goal) to be quiet and mind our own business.

• Don’t get your hopes too high. There is no guarantee that these people will be interested in pursuing more than friendship. Try not to feel rejected if this happens but if you do feel rejected, that is genuine and understandable and God is willing and able to heal you.
• One last thing. Please do not get green-eyed, should things work out for your friend. It is said that once a man is interested in someone, he becomes interesting to others. Try not to come between the people you have introduced to each other.

I hope this helps!! Remember, do to others what you would like them to do for you.

Much love and God bless,

P

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