“We Gotta Sample Before We Buy.”
April, 2009 | 
Author: Pea, woman to woman, girl to girl. I want to ask an honest question about marriage and chastity. Okay. You said, sex is catastrophic before marriage but crucial within marriage, something like that. I have never done it but I am getting up there in age and frustrated with controlling my urges and what-not, I have prayed and fasted for God to take away my sexual desires but they still come. My question is, what if when I get married to my boyfriend, I find that he is….well, small? I mean these are realities, right? You know everyone says yeah you can find ways to work around it and all that but is that true? My friend wants to cheat on her husband because of this. She says she has tried everything and she is not satisfied. She doesn’t “feel him in her”. She feels betrayed, set up, she is not happy in her marriage. What do you tell such a person? How does a woman find out before marriage? Isn’t courtship about finding compatibility? Can I tell by looking at him, some people say if a man has a big palm, large feet or long fingers that the same is true “somewhere else”? Or can someone just ask a man about his penile size? Should I ask him for a quick feel? My pals say we gotta sample before we buy. I know this is a strange question and might be banned but it’s something I really need to know because my boyfriend and I are close but I’m scared enough not to get married for this reason. I know many Christian women think about it because I spoke to my girls about it and they said they have the same fears.
Thanks in advance for your honesty and understanding,
Mercy.
Mercy, hi.
Thank you for your very challenging question. I must admit I was tempted to put it aside and send you an email saying I cannot answer it. There were so many excuses flying through my mind – I am not married! What will people think of me answering such a question?… and so forth. But here we are. You do bring out many points and I appreciate your taking the time to write in about your concerns.
I can understand how frustrating it must be to have to wait “so long” before you can have sex but from credible reports I have heard, after your wedding day, that “looooooong” wait will not seem that long, and it will be worth every single minute. The Bible says we glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation worketh patience, and patience experience, and experience hope, and hope maketh not ashamed, because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given to us (Romans 5:3-5). God will not disappoint you.
Because you are hoping to get married, you need your sexual desires. Please do not ask God to take them away. If He does, what will happen when you get married and they are gone? I think that instead, you should ask Him to quiet them or reduce them and to enable you to occupy yourself to the point where you have no time to dwell endlessly on them. His grace is sufficient for you; His strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Acknowledge that you cannot do this without His help and He will not forsake you.
What if you get married and find that your husband is small? Well, what if you find that he is not small? Research has proven that of the things human beings worry about, 90% do not come to pass. God knows your needs and will provide them according to His riches in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19). If you need a “big” man – if your destiny and purpose depend on it – then He will provide one. Jesus said don’t worry! Seek His kingdom first. Tomorrow will take care of its own things (Matthew 6:32-34). Penile sizes vary just like heights, builds, complexions and even fingerprints vary. Social conditioning is what causes people to accept certain things as “norms”. There was a period in the 1980s and early 1990s when Kenyan women bleached their skins because they thought it was better to be light-skinned. The result was catastrophic for many.
I think it is true that couples can find ways to work around this issue. I don’t think every woman who is married to a “small” man is miserable and feels doomed. I believe that anyone who is serious about their commitment and the vows they have made before God will find a way to work seemingly impossible situations out with His help. With men this might seem impossible, but with God, all things are possible (Mark 10:27).
It is sad that your friend wants to cheat on her husband. I know that sex is a huge part of marriage but was that the only reason she got married to him? I pray that she will find biblical counsel and seek God before she makes any move. As for what to tell her, I would say don’t say anything unless she asks. Just pray for her. With such a sensitive issue, it would really offend a person and even make her bitter if you came across as understanding what she is going through when you really don’t because you are not in her shoes.
The only way to find out a man’s size for sure would be to disobey God. Courtship is not about sex. There is more to a person than that; the sex part should be discovered after you have decided that you can spend the rest of your life with this person. Many people who had a wonderful sex life when they were supposed to be courting end up in loveless marriages. I always say that the only incompatible people are a believer and a non-believer (and these are only incompatible if this is the case before marriage). I appreciate things like interests, goals, etc – these cannot be taken for granted but I know of many Christian couples whom the world had written off as absolutely incompatible but who are now happily married and have been for a long time.
You are asking if you can tell by looking at him… well, you can’t. First of all, how long would you have to look and concentrate for you to determine this? What kind of thoughts would you be allowing to get into your mind during this time? I have heard the hand/feet theory several times but there is no known link between penile size and the size of any body part. Height, race, profession, distance between the wrist and the middle finger, all this is nonsense and all you have to do is ask a nurse or doctor the next time you are near a hospital.
As for whether you should ask… Wisdom is the principal thing, my dear. Men are known to be very sensitive about this issue and your question might instill insecurities in his mind. What if you ask this to someone who may not necessarily be small but has been insecure about his size and has been wondering if anyone can love him for who he is and not what he has? How will you know if he is telling the truth? We don’t have to literally sample everything before we buy – if that was the case there would be no online stores. A “quick feel” may not be so quick! And it may lead to other quick feels, slow feels and more-than-just-feels and you don’t want to go there before marriage.
My dear, don’t let this issue scare you. God has not given you a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. You have the power to overcome non-issues, love to appreciate a person for who he is, and a sound mind to think about things as they really are. “Be not conformed to this world, but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” (Romans 12:2.)
I agree that many Christian women worry about this issue and I have actually thought about it too, but your question has reminded me that the conclusion remains “tomorrow will take care of its own things.” God will not bring us to any trial unless He provided the grace before time to endure and overcome it. Take your concerns to Him; He is a loving Father and His Word has promised that He will not give us a stone for bread, a serpent for a fish or a scorpion for an egg (Luke 11:11-12). You are an overcomer and you win in all things. It is well with you and with the husband God has for you. I will be praying for you and for all your friends and I know that God will keep us and all Christian women from trying to use this fear as an excuse to sin against Him.
Much love and thanks again for writing! Remember, “where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” – Luke 12:34.
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Go ahead and have all the fun before marriage. Just be real and stop the hullaballooooooooooo!!!!!
Hi Mercy,
when I read your question so many things started flooding in my mind. And thanks for asking this question that I’m sure a lot of Christian women are thinking but not saying. I remembered Romans 6,7&8 where Paul talks about the law and sin as writes a lot of questions and gives examples. You talked about praying and fasting for God to take away your sexual desires; the desires are part of what helps you resist sin and overcome the devil, if you had no desires how would you fight the law and sin of fornication and be able to proclaim God’s purity by grace. Rom7:7 says”…..I would not have known what sin was had it not been for the law.”, Rom 8:2-4 talks about how the law of the Spirit has set us free from the law of sin and death, and that the law was weakened because we have a sinful nature. Something to think about is how those sexual desires are sowed and bear fruit(urges). One practical thing to do is when your mind wanders or you have conversation, or watch movies or even see things that stir up these desires….counter the effects by not continuing to think about it but pre-occupying your mind with other things that will strengthen your spirit. The bible says to guard your heart because out if it dwell the issues of life, and what ends up in your heart starts in your mind.
I have a couple of friends who are married and I’ve come to realize somethings about marriage that though I am not married, marriage is tailored to each person. So your friend who told you that she is not happy and wants to cheat on her husband a few things to wonder is why she got married to her husband in the first place, if she’s a christian how much did she seek God about her husband before marriage? what other things are happening in the marriage that she’s not and will not tell you? what are her priorities? did she get married for the sex or compatibility, or God’s will, for security, because she was lonely? if she did for a couple of these reasons, how does she prioritize them and what were her motives?. You are different from your friend so your marriage will not be identical to hers. If she cheats on her husband, will it really make her happy? even if she thinks it satisfies her sexually, what are the consequences? As Christians we need to desperately seek God’s will especially in marriage because no matter how you think you ’sample before you buy’ you ultimately cannot know the full potential or capabilities of you and your spouse in different circumstances and how it’ll all work together well without God leading you.
As Christians we have made courtship and marriage much more about the physical, security, sexual satisfaction and less about God. Most people will first of all start talking with a girl or guy before even seeking God for His will. What if his size is not ’small’ and you see it, does that guarantee compatibility? or a good marriage? what if a woman finds out the ’size’ ,does that guarantee good intimacy? is it really beneficial? what are the consequences? I remember one of my distant uncles saying how he has to get a girl pregnant to make sure she is fertile before marriage; what if she gets pregnant and then losses the baby after marriage and can’t have anymore? what if she’s so fertile but nags, is lazy and rude? what will hold the marriage? All things are permissible but not all things are beneficial. We need beneficial(1 corinth 6:12). The bible says “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and every other things shall be added” but now we often do the reverse; we seek every other thing and then the kingdom of God and when we get in and realize that our assumptions and perceptions were wrong we cry out to God to fix it. A man’s size is the least of your worries, begin to seek God seriously about marriage and who He has made you to be intimately and spiritually, and His will and if you are willing and obedient you will eat of the fruit of that land of marriage. I believe God want us to enjoy marriage.
I heard of someone whose boyfriend treated her like a ‘queen’ and gave her everything she wanted, let her have her way and all, and she didn’t pray much during courtship she thought she had it all ‘a 100% compatible man’ but after she got married the music changed, she couldn’t believe it was the same man. She looked at what her eyes could see but God knows the hearts of men so when you seek God He’ll walk you through the real deal. The issue is that we think courtship and marriage and compatibility is all practical and like buying stuffs(following criteria, or what others say, or norms, what we like) and we think just hanging out, talking and stuff equals a great marriage but ultimately God knows who we really are and what exactly is compatible for us. A friend of mine once said to me that Marriage brings out the best and most importantly the worst in a person; because at that point there’s no more hiding or pretending, for the first time especially for Christians you live and spend everyday and intimacy with another person.
Don’t be scared and tell your girls to shake off their fears too. Pray a lot more and ask God to guide you. I was happy when you wrote that you prayed and fasted for God to take away your sexual desires; pray and fast for God to lead you in His will. I’m sure we all want a marriage you’ll enjoy, where the man will love and respect you the way you need to be and enjoy intimacy with him. Well only God knows what that compatible match means for you, so trust Him. After you talk with your friends especially the married friends; ask God to help you sift what you’ve heard and get rid of the rest so that it doesn’t breed fear and uncertainties. I do this a lot and it has been very helpful. Praise God in your singleness that you still have lots of opportunities to seek God first towards a wonderful marriage. I like what Paula said that wisdom is the principle thing. May God continue to give us wisdom. Once again thanks for sharing this question.
Pea your answer is SPOT ON! Glory to God
Have you ever heard of sweet bananas, they are small but they taste better than the bigger ones and most people prefer them. Some people say if you want to know the size, take the guy swimming but even this can be deceptive. Size doesnt matter! Keep it up yakuti