Dear Pea,

My boyfriend’s parents don’t like me!!!

They are really nice, but we just can’t seem to get along. My boyfriend John-Paul and I have been together for three years and one month, and I met them after about a year and a half. I try to be polite around them without being fake. I feel the reception is very cold each time we have to spend time together with his parents.  I am not paranoid and John-Paul himself has accepted that I am not a star in his family. I am afraid that this could pause a big problem for us if he proposes because I cannot deal with that rejection for too long. What is your view?

April.

Hi, April.

Thanks for your question.

I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. It must be really difficult to think that the most important people in the life of this man that you care deeply about don’t seem to like you. It can’t be easy to deal with and my prayers are definitely with you on this.

I think that for you to be able to figure this out, you’re going to have to ask yourself some very tough questions and do quite a bit of soul-searching.

For the most part, parents want the best for their children in every area of life. They may sometimes seem to be unreasonable, but there is always a base for their actions. It would be highly unlikely for a parent’s concerns or actions to be completely baseless, especially when they are “really nice”, like you say John-Paul’s parents are.

Do they see something questionable or problematic in you? Could it be that in whatever way, however big or small, you are a negative influence on John-Paul’s life? Do you do your best to encourage him to be a better man; has his character been challenged and improved as a result of spending time with you?

Give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it has nothing to do with you. Maybe something happened in the past that they are afraid might happen again and for this you can provide nothing but the assurance that you love their son. If this is the case, only God can do the healing. Maybe you are misreading their actions. Try to see where they are or could be coming from.

Perhaps its miscommunication. Maybe you misinterpret their words or nonverbals. Maybe they misinterpret yours. One party may unconsciously be doing something that causes the other party to draw back, beginning an unending cycle.

Allow them to get to know you. Maybe they need a little more time. Maybe they are still assessing your character before they give their approval. Remember though that they don’t have to be your best buddies. It takes people a while to open up and be free with each other. It will take time for you to build a relationship.

When parents have concerns, they usually point them out to their children.  If a woman tells her son not to play with fire, it is likely that he will ask why, and she will explain that he will get burnt. You say John-Paul knows that you are not “a star” in his family. It could be that he knows why but does not want to tell you as a means of protecting your feelings.

It’s very difficult to give you a cut-and-dry response because this is the kind of question that requires both sides of the story. I would ask you to prayerfully consider asking John-Paul if there is anything his parents have shared with him concerning your relationship that may give pointers and shed some light on this issue.

You could also pray about talking to his parents about your concerns. It would not be wise to go further in your relationship without addressing these matters.

Every man’s first obligation is to love God (Mark 12:30). While he is single (i.e., unmarried), his second obligation is to his PARENTS (Exodus 20:12). In no way should you try to come between them and him. If you are to become his wife, you will need to seek his parents’ blessings before you marry.

Just as an addendum, when he gets married, while he continues to honour his parents, the order of things changes and his second obligation becomes to HIS WIFE (Genesis 2:24). While you must maintain a respectful and loving relationship with your in-laws and extended family, neither of you should allow parents (his or yours) to come between you.

I wish you all the best and am praying for you.

God bless,

Paula.

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