Dear Pea.

I love the Lord with all my heart. I’m in a relationship with a man who is five years older than me. I am 24, he is turning 29 in a few weeks. We have been together for about a year and we are very close. However, things are becoming tight. Sexual purity is difficult to maintain especially since we are in the same city and live walking distance from each other. The funny thing is he (the man) seems to be encouraging it. He says we are both sure that we will get married anyway, all he is waiting is for me to graduate. And also that he has waited 29 years to have sex and we have reached a level where we can practice our intimacy so why cant we have sex now? We have done almost everything except penetration, I have started avoiding him nowadays because it is hard to be close to each other. We flirt a lot on the phone and when we meet, and we chat online while we are at work. But with the distance, absence makes the heart grow fonder. How can we go about this? If we went “all the way” we can also repent in any case, cant we? Should I just break up with him? Please do not shout at me put smilies everywhere please….

Uyora

Dear Uyora…

Thanks for your question; Its base is one that Christians in courtship always ask – how far can we go and still not be sinning?

The  simple believeth every word: but the prudent man looketh well to his going (Proverbs 14:15). Another word for this meaning of simple is “naïve”.

The longer you are in a relationship, the harder it is for self-control to be maintained and this is why, although a few years ago I would have thought a five-year courtship to be the norm and even necessary, I no longer hold to this school of thought. It’s possible, but I agree with most Christian leaders when they say that where it can be avoided, it should be. The same God who said Prepare thy work without, and make it fit for thyself in the field; and afterwards build thine house (Proverbs 24:27) and Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands (Proverbs 14:1) also said that it is better to marry than to burn(1 Corinthians 7:9) and while I am not party to the details of your relationship, I can see that wisdom will definitely be needed here (Proverbs 4:7).

What is so different between this 29^th year and the 28 years before it that has made sex such a matter of urgency? Sex is an intimate act but intimacy is not sex. Intimacy is sharing the aspects of your lives with each other. Communication breeds intimacy. Spending time together within reason will create the kind of intimacy that is healthy for courtship. Remember that you are still not married. The fact that you are courting does not guarantee that you will get married – even if you are engaged, there is still no guarantee. If, at your wedding, someone decides to speak right there and then because they cannot forever hold their peace, then it could be bye-bye marriage to this person. There is a level of intimacy that only married couples should share and sex contributes to this but does not necessarily define it.

It’s really unfair to your future husband and to this man’s future wife to flirt with someone you are not married to. Again, courtship is no guarantee of marriage; what if you spend all this time trying to promote a sexual atmosphere between the two of you, only for you to break up in the end? In a slightly related bulletin, one pastor said you should never use words like “sweetheart” on anyone you are not married to. Don’t flirt with this man, but also don’t flirt with a waiter, a flight attendant, a policeman who pulls you over, that man at the African store who is trying to sell things to you at a high price. It’s wrong and it’s unfair; put yourself in your future hubby’s shoes and try to imagine how you would feel if you knew that instead of preparing himself for marriage he was busy giving away pieces of his heart to other women.

The problem with premarital sex is it kills communication. It’s like, you build something for a very long time (let’s say a year, like in your case) and one day, in one sexual encounter, you just kill it – within minutes. Do not stir up things before their time (Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5). If you start speaking with your bodies before it is time, you will be unable to communicate any other way. You will have graduated to “sign-language” and will look for every excuse to have sex.  Sex will now be a source of comfort, a solution to arguments, a silencer when one doesn’t want to hear anything the other wants to say. Any attempts to mend the relationship will not be without pain. And after that, if you get married, you suffer distrust and you begin to see that although you can accurately navigate his anatomy even from the bottom of some deep blue sea, you have no idea who this man is and he has no idea who you are.

I can’t decide for you whether you should break up with him but I can tell you that sometimes breaking up has saved people from what would have been a nasty divorce just a few short years into the future.

I would say, COMMUNICATE. Talk – and talk sense. Talk about things that matter. Why are you in a relationship? Are you glorifying God individually and as a couple? If not, who are you glorifying and what does that say about your love for God (see John 14:15)? Do you truly love Him “with all your heart” as you claim to?

The standards for obedience remain the same no matter what your case may be. We are admonished to FLEE youthful lusts and follow after righteousness (2 Timothy 2:22). FLEE from idolatry (1 Corinthians 10:14)! FLEE fornication (1 Corinthians 6:18). Walk in the Spirit and we will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh (Galatians 5:16). Be perfect as our Father is perfect (Matthew 5:48).

I hope this will make a positive contribution towards helping you figure out what to do. Forgive me for not placing smileys after every sentence. I simply don’t believe this is an issue to smile about. Jesus Christ paid too high a price for us to walk around claiming to love Him while still practicing idolatry and looking for every loophole through which we can push the quickest excuse for sin.

POSSIBLY RELATED ARTICLES:

1. He has herpes… should I break up with him? …My boyfriend told me he has herpes. Should I break off this relationship?… I am really disgusted by all this....
2. She shall be praised A few years back I used to think that I did not need to involve God fully in my life....
3. Evaluating your relationship Love is a choice and the actions based on that choice. Relationships take work. People are unpredictable. Crushes fade. We’ve...

3 Responses to “Help!! He Can’t Wait Any Longer…!!!!”