He Won’t Ask Me Out, Already!

Posted by Yakuti in Archives, Relationships | | 1 comment

Pea please don’t give me a tough answer, my question is that I have this friend that I like and he likes me too but he is wasting my time and I want to tell him that I like him but everyone says play hard to get. What’s wrong with me just telling him that I want to pursue a relationship? Why must I play hard to get, why can’t I just tell him how I feel, imagine I play hard to get for one year then he announces to me that he is engaged. My plan is to meet him and tell him how I feel and ask him what he thinks. I mean why waste my time if we like each other.

Wynfrith.

Lol.

Hi Wynfrith.

I’m not laughing at you but rather because I understand where you’re coming from. I always say that I was once the kind of person who lived a “we plan today, we execute tomorrow but only if it can’t be done in the next ten minutes” kind of life. And so for a long time before I began to study God’s will on relationships, I actually was capable of walking up to guys and doing the exact same thing you are tempted to do – ask them why they are wasting time (I did it twice, actually – cringe). Thank God for grace.

In contemplating your question, it hits me that impatience is a vice that arises from selfishness. Impatient people – I speak acknowledging that I have been there – actually think, on some level, that it’s all about them. If you get angry because someone is late, what is the real reason? They kept YOU waiting. In fact, your own words provide a good demo – you want to go and tell this man how you feel because you feel he is wasting YOUR time.

Have you considered the possibility, Wynfrith, that this guy might not like you the way you think he does, or might not be considering pursuing a relationship with you?

And have you considered the possibility that he actually has thought about all this and is just preparing a master plan?

Have you realized that this is not about you or him, but about God? That the purpose for all relationships, and for courtship and marriage, is to glorify Him?

There is a way that seemeth right to a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death (Proverbs 14:12). The best way to kill a peaceful marriage before it begins is to take on the man’s role and allow him to be passive. Biblical precedent tells me that men are leaders from the very start. You can encourage him, so to speak. You can be like Ruth and make yourself available in a pure way, but I don’t believe you should ever initiate a courtship. Once a woman “leads” a man into the relationship by demanding or suggesting one, he is likely to look to her to lead all the way. He is not going to take responsibility for anything at all. In initiating a relationship, you make it clear that it’s all about YOU, and so he will let you run it as you please. Seeing as he is a human being, if something ever came up, there is a possibility that he will quip something to the effect of, “Hey – you asked me out.”

Also, there is something that men enjoy about a chase. Conquest intrigues them. Most men will get bored when someone does the work for them.

The generation of men we have today is, sadly, not the same breed that we had in the older days. Men nowadays are portrayed as weaklings – I’m sure you’ve heard people say that one source of evidence for this fact is our comedies. Let’s think of a few examples. My Wife and Kids: How are the father and son portrayed? The King of Queens: Who is the leader of the household; Doug or Carrie? Everybody Loves Ray: Why can’t the head of the house keep his mother from intruding; why  is his wife perpetually frustrated? Think even as far back as the clumsy Andrew Steyn  and even his proud counterpart in The Gods Must Be Crazy. And so on.

Above this, our men are told a huge lie – that it is normal for them to think of sex at least seven times per second, or some crazy statistic like that. A man who is conditioned to think of himself as nothing more than a pervert will never go out of his way to pursue a woman in a dignified and princely manner.

Women’s emancipation and what-have-you make it “alright” for a woman to pursue a man and even propose marriage every leap year or whatever the silly tradition is.

It’s all a lopsided equation and in all honesty we need to pray for the men of this generation.

In regards to your question, however, I would say please be patient and seek the Lord before every step. I would not recommend pursuing him in any way. If you are both doing things that imply your relationship is exclusive then you need to get some clarification and either end it or begin a clear-cut courtship, but if you have been nothing more than good friends (on the same level as your other friends), then I would say if you take your future seriously, wait it out and be confident that your patience will be rewarded. And I don’t know if you’ll understand this parable concerning courtship:

I’ve lived with a cat for a few weeks now and one thing I have observed is he is only interested and alert when the string is moving. As soon as he catches it, he will play for a little while and fall asleep.

God bless,

Paula.

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