Danger Signs To Watch Out For in Courtship
Dear Pea,
I’m not trying to keep an eye out for the wrongs all the time but im just wondering, are there any danger signs we should look for in a relationship?
Brenda
Hi Brenda
Thank you for your question. I agree, it might seem a little hard at first to find that balance between being overly cynical and being completely careless. You don’t want to view the glass as half-empty all the time, but you also don’t want to find yourself flailing blindly in some ditch, wondering how you got there. After all, God has called us to test the spirits. And after all, a glass that is half-full has a gaping space that, it can be argued, needs to be filled.
When people are courting, most times they will put their best foot forward. A man who is trying to win or keep your affection won’t do things he thinks will drive you away. For this reason, danger signs have to be observed in “real time,” in situations where a person has the least control over the way they react to events or to things people do or say. It’s really hard to see the depths of a person’s character if your relationship does not provide for these circumstances.
I think first of all I’ll point out a few things that are “root causes” of problems in relationships.
The first monster is PRIDE (Proverbs 16:18). Pride is the reason a woman will feel a man is not good enough for her because of his job, looks, age, class in society or any other reason. It’s also the reason for every fight in every relationship – the Bible says pride is the source of contention (Proverbs 13:10). Pride is a dangerous sin that everyone must pray about. It is the source of so many other sins. It is also the reason for unequal yokes – a person who does not admit that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God is living with a prideful spirit. The solution is humility; esteeming others better than ourselves; loving them and understanding that God loves them too…
The next monster is a ROOT OF BITTERNESS (Hebrews 12:15). Bitterness creeps up on people. It’s not something you can see written on a person’s forehead, but when you interact with someone long enough you can tell if they’re bitter. They are ice-cold within, often make cutting remarks or flatter people sarcastically, alienate people, or are completely indifferent to things like suffering and pain. If a person constantly exhibits signs of jealousy or covets other people’s relationships, this person may be bitter.
SHAME (Romans 8:1) is the third and final monster. A person may feel ashamed of past relationship mistakes, mistakes made in the current relationship, or may be recovering from rejection or even things in the relationship itself. Many women begin to suffer shame when they do not exercise discernment in processing their friends’ comments. If friends constantly tell a woman that a man is not good enough for her physically, socially, agewise, careerwise, appearance wise, then she can begin to be ashamed. Sometimes shame is the result of a woman’s own insecurities, feeling she is not good enough for a man she is in a relationship with, for example. For many people, shame arises when they fall short of a benchmark they have set for themselves or when they cross boundaries that they have set for the relationship. If you check a thesaurus, you will find that GUILT is actually a synonym for shame.
These three monsters breed other monsters and all the red flags I’m going to talk about below can be branched from any or all of the three.
Before I go on I have to point out that it takes constant prayer to be able to spot things like these. Those happy, marshmallow days of the initial stages of a relationship can really blind us to a man’s true character. There’s an African proverb that says when a woman is in love, a limping man is nothing but a good village dancer.
One of you is not born again.
This is such an obvious point but I’ve found that it’s something we have to keep reminding ourselves. Unequal yokes are a no-go zone!! I know my next statement might seem a little controversial to some but: because I believe in equal yokes I think relationships are more cohesive when both parties are not born again than they are when it’s a lopsided affair with one of them being saved and the other not saved. Jesus said every kingdom (not some kingdoms or even most kingdoms) divided against itself is brought to desolation and every city or house (not some cities or some houses even most cities or even every city and house except yours – but every single one) divided against itself shall not stand (Matt 12:25). Obviously the best scenario is if both parties love God first because like I always say that’s the only way they can love each other healthily. When God is the glue the relationship will always be a success. And by the way, sometimes success means breaking up if God says the relationship should end.
He is not clear; he has no idea where the relationship is headed.
What is the point of your courtship? Does he get uncomfortable when the topic of direction and intentions comes up? There should be no courtship if there is no point. Do you both see marriage somewhere in the not-so-distant horizon or are you just doing it because everyone else is?
There is disrespect.
Any man will tell you that the #1 crime a woman can commit against him is to disrespect him. Do you respect his job, his dreams and goals, do you respect HIM? Does he respect you? Disrespect can cause resentment, even in the disrespectful person. When a person does not respect you they might not want to have anything to do with you but because you are already in courtship they might hang in there only because it is right and they feel obligated to. If you don’t respect a person then it means you are not sure why you are in a relationship.
One person makes all the sacrifices.
This is another cause of bitterness. Relationships are supposed to be a two-way thing. Don’t treat a man like he is an ATM machine, your driver, or some other kind of servant. Appreciate his sacrifices. In the same way, if he constantly treats you like a substandard or second-class human being, this is a huge warning sign. A verse that cures this instantly is Philippians 2:3. Esteem him better than you esteem yourself. If he esteems you better than he esteems himself too, then your relationship will be better for it.
You continually feel used/manipulated.
This can be the result of either person making all the sacrifices but it can also result from other things. Feeling used is one complication that commonly arises from sexual sin.
You can’t communicate.
This is what sex before marriage does. I don’t know what it is about premarital sex that kills communication. You can’t convince me otherwise, even though some people deny it. From my observations, people who have sex get to this stage of confusion where they don’t seem to know if they are married or not. They have given themselves to each other in a way that only married people should, and yet there is no guarantee that the relationship is solid. The only way they now know how to communicate is with their bodies. They have graduated, like I say, to sign language and cannot communicate any other way. Everything two people in courtship build is instantly destroyed the minute they indulge in premarital sex.
However, sometimes people can’t communicate for other reasons. Different backgrounds, for example. And sometimes we women have a tendency to think people can read our minds. Things like this can cause problems.
Rules/Expectations.
Not all men are the same. If one man did something wrong to you in the past, don’t punish another man for it. If one man did something for your friend, don’t expect the man who is courting you to do the same thing or even do it in the same way. Don’t formulate a personality and try to mould a man to fit into it because that is manipulation. Only God can change people. Also, men (and women!) can pick up on when they are not accepted for who they are. Having a set of unrealistic expectations can cause one person to feel rejected. When someone is rejected, they become bitter and begin to suffer shame because they no longer consider themselves acceptable.
I hope this helped!!
God bless,
Paula.
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Very truthful article and I’m certain we can all discern the factors you have mentioned above if we claim to know the people we are to marry.