New Ways to Treat that Man in Your Life in 2009

Posted by Yakuti in Archives, Guyspeak | | 2 comments

By Jeremy Swaya.

Something about January 1 makes everyone very excited. But when you think about it, this day is no different from December 31st or even October 27th. Who decided that it would be the new year? It’s just another day to a Jew or an Ogiek, after all. Whatever the case may be, I can’t complain – it’s great to be preparing myself for a new transition, a new beginning. All things new! That’s the theme for Yakuti this month and I would like to share some new but simple ways in which you ladies can begin to treat that guy you are in a special relationship with. Please, if you’re doing what you’re not supposed to be doing (like living with a guy you’re not married to or having sex with another woman’s husband, etc), then I’ll tell you the one new thing you can do – BREAK UP. Mara moja! Please! It won’t help you if you keep disobeying God.

Guys and ladies are different emotionally, mentally. I can’t say I wish I was a woman and I know many of you ladies would never wish to be a man. We all like being in our own skin. But the thing is, many times we don’t understand each other and that brings a lot of conflicts in relationships and even for years in marriage. So let me try and break it down. It’s a help us, help you sort of story.

Pray Him Thru!

First ladies, this year, that man in your life needs your prayers. I mean his spiritual life and deepest needs, but also in the things that seem to be shallow. Let’s say you’re attracted to a guy but he doesn’t own a car yet, and you don’t mean any harm but you really would rather not go out on a date in a matatu. Let’s get a different scenario and say he is all that, spiritual warrior, powerful preacher or worship leader, but he has no 9-5 job and you are not comfortable with that. Why not pray for him? I have this friend, his name is Alex but we call him Alekii. Alekii had been going out with this great lady named Maria for about two years when she suddenly began to put on weight. Now I’ll be the first to vouch for my boy, he is not a phony like that but he really cannot bring himself to be attracted to the, erm, healthier of the female species. But he loved Maria. So one day he came to me and shared his quagmire with me. His girlfriend was putting on too much weight and he had no way of telling her without hurting her feelings. He wanted me to join him in fasting. I decided it was crazy but if it meant this much to my pal, we’d do it. We would fast once a week until she lost weight. I kid you not, three months later, Maria was back to a smaller size. When she told him she had lost a few kgs, Alekii confessed to her that he had been praying. She was so touched, she had also been struggling to lose weight and was thankful someone had prayed for her. I am sharing this with their permission by the way. Nothing is too small or too big for God.

Ditch the Insecurity.

Another thing you can do, don’t insult his taste by being insecure. Ladies, this stuff is all in your head. No matter what you do, nothing will remain invariable; God is the only one who never changes. Skin will break out, wrinkles will eventually appear and most dreaded, things will one day begin to head south. If you are so worried about a cracked nail I wonder how you will handle a mixture of wrinkles, cellulite and a flabby behind in a few years! Don’t ask us if your legs are too athletic, your hair is too kinky, or your eyes are too big. Especially those questions about “Is my bust too small?” Please, we are trying hard enough not to look too much in certain directions before we say “I do.” Don’t make it hard for us! If you are insecure it’s an indirect way of saying we don’t have taste. Come on. We saw you, we liked you, and most important we chose you – it’s not easily going to change especially if you take care of yourself.

Say What’s Going On.

We can’t read your mind. When we ask, “Is anything wrong?” and you say “Nothing” we will probably not think it’s code for “I’m mad at you.” We’ll act like it’s nothing and we will be very surprised when you get even more infuriated at us for not knowing what’s going on. Speak out but be tactful. We need your help and we are willing to do our best to treat you like the gifts you are. TALK TO US.

Be Interesting.

Try to be open to trying new things. I’m not saying go bungee jumping on a whim or jumping out of planes. If you can’t play the sport, watch him and cheer him on. Don’t be a whiner or a nag. If things go wrong you can find ways to make them fun. There was a time my car got stuck in the middle of the road, I was with my fiancée and we were headed to a function that we needed to arrive at on time. We were running late. It was raining, my phone had no charge so I couldn’t find the mechanic’s number. Instead of complaining about it, she decided to make the night fun. We prayed about it and decided to chill. We shared my remaining soda which was in the cup-holder, counted the cars that sped past us, made up games and eventually almost before I knew it an askari banged on my window and asked if we needed help. We eventually got towed out of there. I appreciated it that Angie didn’t fuss about me not charging my phone or not being able to do anything about my car. It could easily have been an ugly night but that’s one of the sweetest memories of our relationship. We still laugh about that luminous-yellow-coloured umbrella the askari was carrying and how we thought it was an angel.

Trust Him.

Courtship is about getting to find out if you are willing to spend the rest of your lives together. You can’t do that without trust. Many guys have encountered women who don’t want to open up because of past hurts. I’m not saying you should tell us every single detail on day one. I’m not even saying you should necessarily tell us much. Just by your actions, when I say I’ll be there, do you believe me? When something goes wrong what is your first reaction, do you assume I’m lying or trying to break up with you or something? You can’t have a successful relationship if you’re baselessly suspicious all the time.

At the same time, don’t cling!

It’s such a balancing act but it’s doable. Clingy women scare men. Try not to be all up in our faces all the time. Allow us to miss you and also have your own independent life on the side, not in the worldly sense but rather I mean don’t make us your oxygen or lifeline. That way we will respect you more and knowing you can survive without us will enable us to try our best to keep you around.

Bye Bye Jealousy.

Closely related to this is please don’t be jealous especially if the nature of the guy’s job means that he is constantly around women. This is also related to trust.

Accept him for who he is.

Don’t humiliate a man especially about something that he seems to derive his manhood from. As we were told last month, if you reject a man’s gift, you might as well be rejecting him. Don’t constantly harangue him about not owning a piece of land or driving the latest car like your friend’s boyfriend, please, whatever you do, don’t compare him to another man except in rare cases in a compliment. Love him for who he is. Don’t love him more when he’s rich or less when he does not foot the bill. Don’t act like you’re ashamed of him in public and if you are then there is no point of being in a relationship so don’t waste his time.

Be humble and submissive.

This doesn’t mean be a doormat by any means. But if you are courting, you are getting ready for marriage. believe me things won’t suddenly change on the wedding day. Of course he has no right to run your life (and really won’t, even if you get married) but there is a way to be submissive even in simple courtship. Humility also means being interested in his life, dreams, goals, and not just always talking about yourself all the time. Offer to take the check once in a while or surprise him by sending him credit to load his phone. It will show that you are considerate. There are two different individuals in this relationship, that means there will have to be many situations where compromise is called for. You don’t always have to be the one who is MAKING the sacrifices but at the same time, you don’t always have to be the one who is TAKING the sacrifices.

Lastly I’ll put it this way, “Don’t win the fight, win the man.” You don’t have to be right 100% of the time. Get to understand him, see his point of view and see where he’s coming from. when it comes to disagreements, first step back and ask, yourself if it’s entirely your fault. It rarely is but if it is, apologize and/or make it up to him in a Christlike way. If it’s not, ask yourself if it’s entirely his fault. It’s rarely the case that one person contributes completely to a conflict. But if it’s his fault, then hey, you have the right to blow up and throw a tantrum. But just before you do, ask yourself a third question: Is it worth it???

Peace Out

Happy New Year

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4. YABS-13 – Instructions for Life
5. James on Life Step 3: Drop Everything and Come