Hey Pea!
I am in a relationship with the cutest man on earth. We met in college. He passionately loves the Lord and is in love with me too. I read this section every month and I am blessed that our relationship is going as we believe God wants it to. Everything is all beautiful, right? WRONG! When we graduated, he got a wonderful job out of state. I did not want him to turn down such a great opportunity on my account so I encouraged him to take the job. Things were ok for a while – we saw each other once a week, until it began to strain our finances. He also got so busy, he now calls me in a hurry on his break just to say hi. I feel like there is more we can do to make this relationship work. In the past three months we have seen each other once! Imagine that! We fight more now that we are apart. I know we both want this, but what can we do to improve things? He is in Houston, TX and I am in Montclair, NJ.

Thanks for your question! Wow, I can imagine what you’re going through, having had one long-distance relationship myself. This is an issue that has been debated endlessly since the advent of the internet and social networking sites, and I doubt that an agreement will be reached any time soon.

Do long-distance relationships work? Not always. Can they work? Absolutely! Like with all good things, success in this area does not come easily and you both have to be ready to put in whatever effort is necessary to make it work. I use the word “effort” reluctantly, because if you truly love a person, then doing things for them should not feel like it is a strain on you.

Allow me to use the analogy of the blind man. What is it about him that enables him to pick up on sounds that seeing people would not normally recognize? How is it that a blind person can accurately tell you the height of a man? How can a blind person walk into a pin-drop-silent room and be able to discern that there is a person, or an animal, in that room? How come a blind beggar can tell how much money you have put in his palm if he cannot see it?

Because one of his senses is impaired, a blind man has to work on the other four and maximize on them to be able to survive. He may long for his sight, but he will not necessarily miss it, especially if he has never experienced it. It is for this reason that people say disability is not inability.

It is the same with your relationship. The most basic need, companionship, is less accessible when distance is involved. As a result, you will need to work on your other “senses” and maximize on them in order for things to work out in your relationship. You may be “disabled,” or “crippled”, but you can still function, and you can still work. The great thing about your case is, it is only temporary.

Men and women are wired differently, and so it might be difficult for each of you to adapt to different situations, but with God all things are possible and so I will share these tips and pray that they work for you.

I’ll break it all down into two categories: Virtues You Can Apply, and Vices You Must Avoid.

A. Virtues You Can Apply.

1. SURRENDER. Do not try to control (reign over; dominate; oversee; steer; supervise) anything in your relationship. If you grabbed it at some point, hand the pen back to the Author of your love story. Give yourselves up completely to Him. This is the only way the steps below will be successful.

2. SUBMIT. Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you (James 4:7). There is an order in these verses. First, you must submit to God, and then the devil will flee from you. Submit comes from the Greek word hupotasso which literally means to arrange under. There is a difference between submission and surrender. To submit is to give in, to surrender is to give up. A criminal surrenders his weapons to the police. A wife submits to her husband’s requests. When we give ourselves up completely to God, then we will give in to His commands and His will for our lives. Without submission, we will be unable to resist the devil, because we have no covering. Submission and surrender are necessary for success in any area of life.

3. STRATEGIZE. Have a plan. Where is your relationship going? What do you want from it? It’s alright to wish that everything will work out eventually and to have faith that it will, but what are you doing between now and “eventually” (James 2:20)? What is your goal? You do not want distance to be an issue for ever. If you are certain that this is a relationship you want to remain in, then one or both of you will have to move. The most important part of strategy is that you must commit whatever plans you have to God (otherwise you are grabbing the pen again). He has promised that He will establish our thoughts if we commit our plans to Him (Prov 16:3). He will provide wisdom on whatever strategies cannot work.

4. SPEAK. Even in normal, or “non-distance” relationships, people need to communicate. In long-distance relationships, this need is probably doubled. Communicate! Because of the distance, you should be in touch at least five times a week, especially at the beginning of the relationship and as you both adjust to it.
Constant communication will help to build your trust for each other. Be honest and sincere. Talk about your concerns. If there is something you don’t like, let him know. If he does something to make you happy, tell him. Speak the truth in love. A generation ago, people wrote love letters to each other across hundreds of kilometres in different high schools. Lovers would hear from each other once a month, on average, but their relationships survived. God has blessed you with the gift of technology. Take advantage of Skype, Yahoo! Messenger, e-mail, and free minutes. Even in “non-distance” relationships, people cannot read minds. To expect this in a long-distance relationship would be to court disaster. REMEMBER: You must also LISTEN to each other. That’s what communication is about.

5. SACRIFICE. Who is making all the trips across the country? Who is making all the phone-calls? Who is sending all the gifts? If there is one consistent answer to this question, let it not be one of you, but both. Be patient with each other and go the distance for the sake of your relationship. Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he reap (Gal 6:7). You will one day see the results of your sacrifice – or lack of sacrifice. Jesus washed His disciples’ feet and told us to go and do likewise. Can you imagine twelve pairs of toes that had been all over the place? The Lord of the universe washed one hundred and twenty toes that night. And He said you should do the same. Not everything is going to be fun, but if it is done as to the Lord, it will be enjoyable.

6. SPACE. Long-distance relationships can be very frustrating, especially if you don’t get to see or hear from a person as often as you want to. It is not easy to sort out your problems on the phone or online. To counter this frustration, you can have a specific day when you do not contact each other, and stick to it. For example, you can say, “Every two Thursdays, we will not call each other,” or “We will spend all our Sundays alone with the Lord.” The result of this will be that you will miss each other so terribly, and you will have time to reflect on your disagreements, present them to God, and sort out your perspectives. More often than not, you will find that these disagreements are not worth it anyway.

7. SPARK. It may not be easy to see each other often in a long-distance relationship. Only patience and prayer can sustain you during the times when you are away from each other. Have something to look forward to as a way of motivating yourselves to be strong. When I was in my first year of boarding school, I would get terribly homesick and would find myself counting days. The semester was fifteen weeks long and so I decided to break it down into bits. First, it was “three weeks until visiting day.” As my parents left on visiting day, I would say, “three weeks until mid-term.” And so on, and so forth, and then it would be, “two weeks until the holiday!” In that way, I managed to look at it not as a torturous term, but as intervals of being away from those I loved. Looking forward to something gave me joy in all other areas and I found that my grades picked up as well. Having something to look forward to is a great motivator. It may be six weeks until you see each other again, or three days until your anniversary. Look forward to it and ask God to give you the patience to make it. Time flies! It is also blessing to go one day at a time, looking forward to the next phone call or email. And when the time comes, make the best of it – there is no point in counting down the six weeks or three days, only to be a grouchy, grumbling mess when you finally see or hear from each other. Make memories that will sustain you as you count down and await your next meeting.

8. SURPRISE. Send him a memorable gift, just because. Or write him a letter. Show up in his city unexpectedly (after much prayer, of course, so that you do not find he had made other plans). You know him best – treat him in ways you know he will enjoy.

9. SMILE. Be positive! You will probably encounter people who will say that your relationship will not work, and just for evidence, they will cite examples of people whose relationships failed. Do not pay attention to negative comments. Remember the God you have trusted. He finishes what He starts. He will keep you.

10. “SERPENCY.” Be as wise as a serpent and as humble as a dove (Matt 10:16). Not everyone needs to know your business. Your relationship will begin to crumble if you try to involve everyone and their uncle and get their advice and opinions. The result of this is plenty of rumours, discouragement and confusion. Know who you can trust with information about your relationship, and even then, do not give every single detail away. “Serpency” also comes into play in your lives while you are apart. It is not virtuous for you to spend hours ogling your computer and waiting for the next email or for him to sign in. Use the opportunities you have to grow in God. Life must go on regardless of the difficulties.

11. SUPPLICATION. Pray fervently for each other. Pray for yourselves. Pray for your relationship. Pray without ceasing (1 Thess 5:17). Seek God every step of the way. Trust Him and present your worries, requests and concerns to Him (Phil 4:6-8), and don’t forget to be thankful (Col 3:15)!

12. SCRIPTURE. As you spend time with God, He will give you a word about your relationship. Or, you may come across one of His promises and feel it applies to your situation. Hold on to this Word and stand on the promise. Remember that God orders your steps (Psalm 119:133) and is acquainted with all your ways (Psalm 139).

B. Vices You Must Avoid.

1. SITUATIONS (a). Many times, as Christians, we consider ourselves too strong for temptation. This is not the case. We are all human. Try and avoid situations that may complicate your relationship. Behave in the same way you would if this were not a long-distance relationship.

SITUATIONS (b). Never sleep in the same room as a man you are not married to, no matter what. If need be, get a hotel room when you get to see each other. Do not think that you are beyond sexual temptation. After days, weeks or months of not seeing each other, it will be very tempting to get intimate. Resist the devil. Flee youthful lusts (2 Tim 2:22). Remember that you always have an escape for every temptation, and you never have any excuse for succumbing to any temptation.

2. SUSPICIONS. They will come up a few times. If he says he will call, and doesn’t, do not immediately assume he does not love you any more or that he is not trying hard enough. Do not jump to conclusions. Trust is crucial in every relationship, and a double dose is required when distance comes into play. Let him have a life wherever he is. He should allow you to have a life, too. Trust the man, but most of all, trust God (Prov 3:5-6).

3. STRANGENESS. Remember what Solomon had to say about the strange woman (Prov 2, 5, 6, 7, 20:16, 23:27, 27:13, 30:20), and embrace the characteristics of the virtuous woman (Prov 31) instead. The fact that you are apart does not mean you will not grow. It is likely that when you meet, you will notice subtle changes in each other as you grow in God and gain wisdom in life. Be realistic and exercise wisdom in such situations.

4. STRESS. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of its own things. Sufficient unto the day is the trouble thereof, Jesus said (Matt 6:34). In other words, even though you must strategize and have a good idea of your general direction, you should not spend (or rather, waste) time worrying about things you cannot control. Commit it all to God in prayer and rejoice in Him because He orders your steps.

5. STORIES. You will hear a whole lot of them. Ignore them if you have no evidence, because entertaining stories about the man in your life is just another way of saying you are gossiping about him (Prov 26:22). Do not discuss him or plant someone to “spy” on him and update you on his activities. It will not work, and when he finds out, as he most likely will, he will not be very happy, and his trust in you will be threatened.

I pray that this has been of some help, and that things in your relationship improve. God is in control, and I am confident that all shall be well.

God bless!

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