Abort my baby or suffer shame?
Dear Pea,
I don’t know if you can help me. The enemy is on my case. Am engaged to a man I love, I will call him “Jeff.” I met Jeff about three years ago when I was just recovering from breaking up another relationship. I loved my ex very much and he hurt me deeply but I understood I had to move on and did my best to. That was when I met Jeff. A few months ago, my ex who is now married came into the picture again and one thing led to another and we had sex. It was not intended at all. Pea, I found out a short while back that I am pregnant. It has completely confused me. When I found out, I tried to tempt Jeff into having sex with me so that I could say the baby was his, but it did not work, instead he told me I need to reconsider if I want to be his wife as he will not marry a strange woman who is disobeying God before marriage. I don’t know what to do. I have contemplated abortion as it looks the only solution. I feel like if I do it and repent I will be forgiven, because God is love and therefore cannot hate. I can’t of course go back to my ex. He has a wife. I am afraid to tell him. I can’t tell Jeff also. My parents of course cant hear about it. I feel so terrible about what I did. To make matters worse am a born again Christian and am in my church drama group. How will I deal with this? Every slight change in my stomach just kills me and I am already wearing baggy things. How will I tell my church? And how will I tell Jeff, I can’t risk losing him. How do I pray? I have repented and repented again and again. Am 23, I have my whole future ahead of me. Sara
Dear Sara,
Hi, and thank you for your question. This is a very tough one, and as always, God remains the only answer to all problems. I cannot help you, but I can point you to the One who can. It is better to trust in the LORD than to trust in princes (Psalm 118:9).
The first thing I would like to tell you is, do not be discouraged. When you begin to read this response, please do not feel downcast or condemned. If you have repented genuinely, God has forgiven you, but we’ll come to that later.
Next, and in what may appear to be a twist, but really is not, I would like to say that if you are looking for someone to encourage you in sin and smile with you and tell you that God will bless you no matter what you do, then you are in the wrong place. I want to state outright that although you are undergoing a lot of pain, it is not persecution; rather, it is a consequence of your mistakes. Don’t blame the enemy for this. You seem to have accomplished this mess without his help.
You say you met Jeff when you were recovering from another relationship. While it is in the past and cannot be undone, I have to point out for future reference and for those who might be reading this that it would have been nice to give yourself time to heal – deliberately take time out – before getting into another relationship.
You understood that you had to move on. That is true – we all have to move on from certain things. What you did not understand was how to move on. You do not move on from one relationship by jumping straight into another. Please refer to the article on breaking up for a few prayerful tips, and for future reference.
What do you mean when you say your ex “came into the picture”? You make it seem like the picture was already painted, and an invisible hand came and pasted your ex into it with superglue. There is no way that a man will come into your “picture” if you do not allow him to. To say that “one thing led to another” and that sex “was not intended” is absolutely not true and I want to state that it is only in beginning to accept what you have done that you have any hope of making progress. Sex is something that is premeditated. To say it “just happened” would be to imply that you both happened to be walking in the streets, minding your own business, when you bumped into each other, realized you were stark naked and somehow science and a big bang happened and here you are, which is not the case.
And then, to cover up your sin, you tried to hoodwink all involved by seducing Jeff, but unfortunately it did not work. I want to suggest that if it had worked, you would not be seeking help right now, which gives me the impression that you are not looking for help, but rather for a quick solution to what you view as an inconvenience and a problem. Yet I see God’s amazing grace working in all this.
I am very, very blessed to read Jeff’s response. The stereotypical male Christian today is chaste because he is forced to be chaste by the female Christian who will not give her purity away, but I am glad that it is evident from your example that this stereotype is misguided.
God is Love, and because He is Love, He must be capable of hate. He loves marriage, therefore He hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). He loves children, so it must follow that He hates abortion. He is and loves Truth, therefore He must hate the lie. In fact, take a look at a verse that talks about several things God hates:
These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren (Prov 6:16-19).
As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he (Prov 23:7). Let me try and break down the character that your letter reveals.
A lying tongue will say, “Jeff, I’m pregnant! And it’s your baby.”
Hands that shed innocent blood will selfishly and coldly rush to see abortion as the first solution.
An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations will scheme and plan to hide sin by hoodwinking two men.
Feet that be swift in running to mischief will see the ex suddenly “in the picture” and forget that one night of passion can cost a lifetime of heartache.
A false witness that speaketh lies will try to make it look like this is Jeff’s fault, the enemy’s fault, the ex’s fault, the unborn baby’s fault, everybody’s fault but your own.
A [wo]man that soweth discord will participate in defiling a married man’s bed and in trying to plan for two men never to know the truth about a baby, stealing from one man the opportunity to raise his child, and making the other man raise another’s child.
It is here, at this crucial decision-making moment, Sara, that the enemy is trying to take over. It is at this point that you can let him win, or you can count on God to deliver you. Let’s remember that God is Sovereign and could have chosen not to allow you to get pregnant. Let us respect that He allowed it to happen. And now, let us ask ourselves why.
God loves you so much that He was not going to let you continue in a life where you thought you were born again, and everyone around you thought you were born again, but you had bought into the lie that if you say a prayer once in your life, you can do whatever you want to and still have a place in heaven after it all.
You are a member of your church drama group. You are wearing baggy things. You are twenty-three years old and have your life ahead of you. You don’t want to lose Jeff. You don’t know how to deal with this. I think the problem is your selfish focus. And since we’re talking about you, you, you, perhaps this might be a good time to remind you that you might die while trying to kill your baby. What a tragedy it would be for you to meet the Lord while trying to kill a child He created! A child about whom He has said, “Before I formed thee in the womb, I knew thee.” (Jer 1:5.)
Have you stopped to think what becomes of this baby? Do you have any idea what a baby undergoes during abortion? Do you realize that this is a living being that will feel immense pain while some money-hungry doctor reaches into your womb to try and dismember him or her? Do you know that the Lord will be right there in the room, watching as You destroy His creation? Do You know that every single time after that, when you see a child who is the age that your child would be, you will feel regret, even if you have repented and been forgiven by God? Do you know where those thoughts of abortion come from? Do you realize how terrified the enemy is of just one child, that he is willing to destroy an entire generation for fear that someone might come and make a difference by shedding God’s light? The virgin Mary was innocent. If it were ever possible to justify abortion, Mary might have qualified. But what if she had had an abortion? Where would we be? Where would your church and its drama group be?
One of the guaranteed facts of life is that we reap what we sow. We cannot sow beans and reap potatoes. And God has said that the hidden things will come to light. You sowed sex, you reap a baby. You cannot shrink your tummy. Your parents are going to have to find out, and so is your ex. Jeff is also going to have to find out. It would be best if you told this to them early enough. While I have to say that we all deserve the consequences of our sins, it could be that God will have mercy on you and soften Jeff’s heart so that he decides to stay with you and raise another man’s child. It is possible. It may not happen, however. Either way, do not for one second depend on your own devices to get through this. You cannot do it. Only God can help you.
Now, back to repentance. It begins with confession. Confession means swallowing your pride and admitting to God that you have made a mistake. It means saying, “Lord – I was wrong. I am wrong. You are right. I disobeyed.Forgive me…” and genuinely seeing your mistake and desiring that forgiveness (as opposed to a ritual where you have a list of things that your pastor said must be included in a confession, and you tick these things as you go down the list, completing them). Repentance comes in only after this, and it means forsaking the things you have confessed and returning to the path of God’s light. Therefore, it makes no sense to say “Forgive me!” if in the back of your mind you are calculating the costs of an abortion, or how next to trick someone into bed with you. Remember, we can’t kid God. He knows us better than we know ourselves.
Finally, I would like to say that if you cling to God with your all at this time, you will be okay. He is not waiting to condemn you for every evil thought. He has no desire in your demise, and Christ’s death and resurrection are evidence of this. He is waiting for you to run to Him for refuge. He is acquainted with all your ways, and He knows every word before you utter it. He knows your thoughts and your desires, and He is not an “Oops!” God, so this did not take Him by surprise. He knew about this before the foundations of the earth. Run to Him, and not away from Him. Re-examine your Christian walk and remember that loving Jesus means obeying Him (John 14:15). The Bible says there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit (Rom 8:1). In other words, there IS therefore now condemnation to those who are NOT in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the Spirit, but after the flesh. Decide how you want to walk.
If you lose everything, if everyone walks out on you, and you find you have nothing but God, I want to encourage you by reminding you that God is more than enough, more than you need to pick yourself up and continue moving forward. You might be lonely for a while, but that’s okay. Hang in there. Your story has the potential to bless many. Hand the pen over to God, and yield to His will. Saturate your mind in His Word. Read through the psalms of David and see the struggles that even this mighty warrior of God underwent. Remember that from the examples in Scripture and in world history, God is more likely to use a broken pot than a gleaming piece of china.
I am praying for you, and I wish you every blessing. Please keep in touch and let me know how it goes.
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