Help! I’m Single!
Q: Help! I’m Single!
“Listen,” Bimbo Odukoya said passionately as she walked across the stage. “If you are not a satisfied single, if you do not have peace – [if] you have not accepted what you are as a single [person], [if] you don’t celebrate your single life, you will never celebrate your married life. You know why? Because it’s the same you that will marry. A person who is not content as a single cannot be content as a married person.”
The more I think about it, the more I wonder why singlehood is made out to be such a miserable state of being. Granted, there are times when it would be great to have an established union (i.e., a husband), or at the very least, a prospective one (i.e., a boyfriend). There was a point at which I often found myself thinking just how wonderful it would be not to have to take out the trash or figure out all kinds of gadgets around the house. On the other hand, there are times when I get home tired and am very thankful for the fact that I don’t have to cook for or tend to or just be around anyone.
Why exactly does the world make it seem like being single is the most devastating experience on the face of this earth? And why do Christian women choose to believe this lie? I have been giving this quite some thought and from my own experience, as well as the experiences that have been narrated to me by friends and loved ones, I have to say that in singlehood, as in all things, life is what you make it.
Our attitudes and reactions are determined by our focus. Isaiah 26:3 says, Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. If we keep our minds stayed on Christ, there will be no time to develop thought patterns that are similar to the ways of this world. There is a hymn which says, Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full on His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.
Jesus said that if we are faithful in that which is least, we will be faithful in the big things also (Luke 16:10). How can we expect God to trust us with the heart of another human being if we are not faithful to keep our own hearts with all diligence (Prov 4:23), for example? How can we be trusted to take care of children and raise them in the Word, if we do not look after ourselves now and love God’s word as singles?
The Bible has some very wonderful things to say about singlehood. The best known example is found in 1 Corinthians 7:34 – The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit.
God knows it when we are single, and it does not make Him any less concerned about us. He still wants us to have joy. And He has provided that joy – all we have to do is receive it. This is the time to prepare ourselves for married life. There are various opportunities for fellowship with other believers. In all things, we should watch our thought processes. The mind is a battlefield and if we have the mind of Christ, we will not see the cup as half-empty when in reality it “runneth over” with God’s grace (Psalm 23:5).
It is in caring for the things of the Lord that any human being can find the most joy. We should learn to seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto us (Matt 6:33). Instead of focusing on ourselves as singles, we should enjoy a life of uninhibited service to the Lord. Not that married life is a barricade against the work of the Lord. But marriage can bring about many distractions and complications that are unknown to the single woman.
If we use our time as singles to grow in the Lord, seeking Him with all our hearts and loving Him with our very being, then when the gift of marriage comes, we will be very ready for it. Like I always say, it is only when one loves the Lord Jesus Christ with her all that she is able to love any other human being healthily. Don’t look at singlehood as a curse. Praise God for it. There are many married women who say, “If I knew what I was going to get into, I would have asked for more time,” or, “I would have planned better,” or, “I would never have gotten married in the first place.” I dare to suggest that the reason for many of these lamentations is the lack of a solid foundation during the single years.
Rest assured: the only miraculous change that happens when a couple says “I do” is the union of a man and a woman to become one flesh. The lifestyles might change gradually over a period of time as the living standard improves or deteriorates, but the deep-rooted desires of the heart, the true personality and character, cannot be transformed by the coming of “Mr. Right.” They can only be changed by Christ.
Therefore, anyone who lives a careless single life and then expects an extraordinary and everlasting wave of miraculous euphoria to descend upon them as they wave at their jubilant guests and drive off in the moonlight to their fancy honeymoon will end up greatly disillusioned.
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Hmmmmm I have a mixed opinion on this article. Whilst I agree that marriage isn’t a “bed of roses” (though I haven’t been married to discover whether its true or not) and christians shouldn’t think as the world thinks, I also believe that if a person is content in being single then that person has no desire to be married. Paul in the Bible was content as he was (single), he didn’t want more (marriage) and so he didn’t get married. If Hannah was content with with childless and loved by her husband would she had gone to the temple in Shiloh asking God for a child? If one is content then they wouldn’t have a desire for their position to change. Unless a person is an enuch as Jesus described in Matthew 19:20 I don’t see how a single can be “content”. To say to a single “be content in your singleness” is like saying “don’t have the desire to get married”. Would a person go up to a childless woman who desires children and say “be content in your childlessness (is that a word? Lol)?” so why should a single be content?
Definition of content; desiring no more than what one has; not desiring more or different; satisfied; willing
Niki,
Interestingly, my views on this topic have changed slightly as I have become older and wiser
and had some experiences. Maybe now I would say single ladies should not pretend that they don’t want to be married, but at the same time, they should desire no more, desire no different, be satisfied and willing to walk joyfully – in THAT season; trusting that God knows best and His timing is perfect. (Many people desire the Lord’s return; many have longed to see it but still passed away. Their desire was not wrong, but if the Lord had returned in 1990, where would some of us be?) Singles can be content in that sense. I am thinking of contentment as trusting and growing in God in a period of waiting. Sometimes the desire for marriage is not really a genuine desire, but rather it is covetousness and seeing the other side as greener.
Nothing magical or miraculous happens when the pastor says “kiss the bride.” Marriage should be two whole people coming together to become one, not two incomplete people. It’s alright to pray for a husband, but there is a purpose in singleness and this period should be maximized.
The desire to get married is one that is placed in us by God and is therefore a good thing. Given God’s promises that He gives to all who ask (eg Matthew 7 and 1 John 5), it should be possible for us to ask, but to keep living… easier said than done, of course. But still very doable.
“In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” – 1 Thess 5:18.
Thanks so much for your comment.